I Am Disgusted With Myself PLEASE HELP!!!

[Nikolaus54321]

For start let me to apologize for my bad english, english is not my primary laungage.

Ther is so much to say so lets start from beginig. During the war in my country we run in one village and lived there lake refuges. That was very stressful for my family, I had ill brother with asthma and expropriated granny .My father was very frustrated and few times he was physically attacked me and my brother and once even my mother but without significant consequence.I think that he was psychical molested her much more. Few times soldiers are came to our house and threatened that thay will to kick us from house. I was veary afraid during that time, but again i think about that time like hapiest in my life.

Before I forget i must tell that I NEVER HURT any child and I will never do something like that I simply haven't that kind of pearson.

Its all geting worst when we moved to another city. We lived there like subtenant, few months my parents havent get their salaries and I felt very worried, I had always constant fear thats something bad will happen, but luckily its haven't happen the worst, we didn't lose roof. Then again I was moved, this time in another class, that was really devastating for me. I became fat, my spien was crooked and I started to be asocial, then some kids start to teasing me, they keep tealing me that I am reatrd its all continued in middleschool.I started with my sinss when I was 14 (now I have 24), I discoverd internet and start browsing regular porno, than I was found a banner to CP. First i was looking pictures but after a while that sites are turned off. After some time I discovered p2p network and started to downloading videos when I end it with watching, I would immediately erase him from my computer, I didn't wanted to have something like that on my computer. I wouldn't feel exactly a pleasure when i watched, it was more something like mix between feer and adrenalin rush and i will always feel bad after that and when i didn't felt in temptetion i would felt like better pearson but now I know that was just a lie. I simply didn't grasp that what I was doing was so evil or hurtful to children, I know that was bad but I keep telling to myself that was just a old video recordings its all ready heppen and nowbody knows so there is no harm.

Before three months I lied in bad and start thinking about my self, what kind of pearson I am and its all come to me like a flood. I was overcome with extreme guilt, shame, and anxiety. Few times I even considere a suicide, once I went up to fortress in our city and climb up on the wall, I think to myself that closer to death I will feel more alive, I was mistaken but I couldn't do that to my family especialy to my mother, we are weary close and she loves me veary much. I don't know what to do? now even after three months I feel like a garbage and monster, I don't know how I am anymore. Crazy like its seem I always saw myself like a good pearson and I still keep telling my self that deep in my heart I still I am. Now I am feeling like a imposter in my house, I don't want to that my family considerng me for a monster. I told my mother about this forum and about cases like my own and she said thats to her silly that someone want to kill yourself just for watching CP and that she never wouldn't waived me for something like that. I would really appreciated any help even that I know that I dodn't deserve, in last time I don't feel worthy of life anymore.

Once again sorry for my bad english.

[LaLa]

Hello, Nikolaus, welcome to our community!

Just a little thing in the beginning; don't be sorry for your English . It's very good that you can communicate this way and some mistakes don't make it incomprehensible or "bad to read". (By the way, my English isn't very good either (I'm from Central Europe...) and I also felt very embarrassed because of it in the beginning (here).)

Now to your problem:

You do deserve help and what you've done doesn't make you "not worthy of life"! You have mentioned that you have seen "cases like your own" here - that's good and I recommend you to read at least one story - the one of "Musicman" who was addiced to CP and became suicidal because of it and it's more that a year that he's "clean" and he's much better, thanks to pychotherapy. I don't know if psychotherapy would be available for you where you live. However, it's good to see at least one example of somebody who has had a problem worse than yours (you are not addicted, you don't watch it anymore and don't want to!) and who was supported by others (here, for instance) and got much better.

I'm wondering what kind of help you are searching here. It seems to me that you mostly need to discuss your feelings about yourself and start believing that you can "let go" your past and gain a new kind of self-esteem and self-understanding. I believe this could be a good place for it . Maybe you could also send a message to "Musicman" and ask him how he is dealing with the feelings of shame and disgust.

You say you started to think about yourself and became overwhelmed by with extreme guilt, shame, and anxiety because you realized that there was an evil in the CP that you had not seen before. So... this was an important moment, although very unpleasant: You have understood something new. Your feelings are natural and appropriate for the situation, but it would surely not be good to live with them all your life and be suicidal. There is a way to somehow understand it all, make some conclusions about the CP and your future behavior, and ... let the anxiety, disgust, and lack of self-worth slowly disappear. You wouldn't harm any child or any adult, as you say. You don't watch the CP anymore and don't like it. You already know it's evil as it's hurting the children. That all is important. Try to focus mainly on this when you think about yourself... Try to find out what good could you do in this world, not what "bad" you had done.

Your childhood was very hard, your whole life you were surrounded by cruelty. That always necessarily has sad consequences which can be more or less different in different people, according to their predispositions (and so on). In your case, this "CP issue" was surely one of them (-the consequences of the cruelty and fears...). You were not aware of what has been happening to you, you just needed, for some reasons related to your life, to feel the feelings that the watching was giving you. So you did watch. Now you're older and started to think about it, which is hard but also good, as I already said. This is a transient period of time and it's up to you where "to move" next: Suicide would be a very tragic step... Living in constant self-hate would be almost similar. I hope you'll find the right way . Good luck with it!

So, this is how I see it. What do you think?

[Nikolaus54321]

Thank,thank you very much LaLa I already started to think that I am to hideous for talk with anyone on this forum. I think that you are mostly right about my reasons, but I think that deep in side of me I just want to somebody tell me that I am not evil monster, because even now I can't see my self like that.Everyone how my mome know thinkig about me like a good pearson and I want to beliven that at least one tiny part of this is true because i can't accept that this defined me entirety.

In last time I crawling through my memories and trying to find good ane and you know what all my best memories are the one with my family, moments when we are together and when ever i remember this memories I start to cry. i didn't know how much my family mean to me before all this and how much I need them, especialy now.

Reason whay Im doing this is for that I feel more like a human bean when I hiding in my memories. Now its worst that I don't see love of my family for me like real, I simply don't feel loved anymore(espect from my mother). Thank you for your response LaLa It helped me a lot and I think that you are right about allt this, its good thats hepen to me and you konw what I wanted that something like this hapen to me, even before I was have short panic attacks.

[LaLa]

Hello, Nikolaus,

I'm very glad you feel a bit better now .

I just want to somebody tell me that I am not evil monster, because even now I can't see my self like that.

This reminds me my own situation about a year ago. I didn't call myself "evil", just "bad" and my reasons were very different. I wanted a lot that my therapist says me "you are not bad", but I didn't want to ask him to do it because I wouldn't believe him if he told it "only because I wanted to hear it". So I discussed this problem with some members here. And the main thing they wrote me was like this: "It doesn't matter what your therapist or anybody else tells you. It wouldn't change your feeling of being bad. Because it's only you who decide if you feel bad or good. You won't believe him if you're not ready to accept yourself with your "dark sides" and think about yourself in a positive way."

So... I'm telling you now: You are not evil. Does it make you feel good? Do you believe me? I suppose it only gives you the information that "there are some people who can see me as not evil" and it can be pleasant. But it's you who decide what will be your opinion, feeling about yourself.

I want to believe that at least one tiny part of this is true

OK. So let's try to analyze what prevents you from believing it. Any ideas?

i can't accept that this defined me entirety

That's fine, because it did not. I've mentioned "Musicman" lately. When he referred to himself as "pedophile", some people told him: "That doesn't define you. You're a lot more than that."

In your case, you're a lot more than "a person who used to watch CP".

all my best memories are the one with my family, moments when we are together and when ever i remember this memories I start to cry

You're lucky that you have nice memories with your family. There are so many people who don't ...

It's natural to find a place (in your mind) where you feel good - in your case those memories. It's a good way of soothing yourself in the moments when you feel the worst. However, hiding yourself too much, too often might be dangerous for your every-day life. You also need to live here and now... You need to find you "humanity" in the present. It's here, it's not only in the nice moments of the past. But it seems you need to get in touch with it .

Now its worst that I don't see love of my family for me like real, I simply don't feel loved anymore(espect from my mother).

This leads us back to the point where I wrote that you need you feel good - and lovable - yourself before being able to believe what others say to you, before believing they really love you.

Tell me; did something change in the behavior of your mother towards you? Do you have some external reasons to feel less loved than before or unloved? Or it's just a feeling?

Take care!

[Musicman]

Nikolaus, I apologize for not having responded to you sooner, but I don't come to this site as much as I used to. I sent you a short PM. Hopefully, I can help you out.