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Confused and need some relationship/PDD/SPS advise


Cece.dedesl
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Hello, Cece.dedesl, welcome :).

I can see that it has to be a big shock after 18 months... :( It seems you haven't yet talk about it with him, but I hope you plan to do so, as soon as you'll get some advise about how to handle this info.

Well, we can't "diagnose" him, neither can you. And if he's a cheater - it depends on the relationship he had with that woman and this can't be told based on what you wrote. Anyway, I can tell you my subjective opinions:

- First of all, "small penis syndrome" is not a mental illness, although it can be related to (it can cause) some disorders as depression which develops because of the suffering men like this often experience.

- It's probable that your partner suffered a lot because of his size and needed reassurance about the fact that it got better after that surgery; that "now he can be attractive enough". So possibly what he's been doing is only related to his self-esteem which could get much better after establishing a strong relationship with you - then he wouldn't feel that need anymore. How strong you suppose your relationship to be? Is it possible that he still doubts a lot about it? (Well, this is always possible, I know...)

- Maybe because of the previous bad experiences with women, now he needs the reassurance from more than one - more than the one he has a strong relationship with - because there were many women who hurt him and so he needs many to "compensate it" (by compliments)...

- Maybe he was lying about being a single virgin to appear to be in the same situation as before - to know whether if he was single now, any woman would like to date him. Moreover; which woman would be prone to talk with him about these issues knowing that he's in a good relationship? Maybe he still struggles too much with the self-esteem and wants to appear as "pity-evoking".

I'd say everything depends on other factors - on the overall quality of your relationship: If it's strong and satisfying enough to you, then this issue could be overcome with the efforts of both of you. He should explain to you everything and then you'll decide if you can accept the truth. Judging anything before explanations, before knowing the truth, would be precocious and could destroy a relationship with a good potential.

I'd suggest you to calm down first and then talk about it with him not in an angry way, not accusing him of being a cheater or mentally ill, but rather telling him about your care, your confusion, your wish to understand and to accept the truth if he has a "good" explanation. You can tell him that he can trust you and that you're sad that by hiding this he expressed his distrust - but he can know make it better by telling you the truth. And, of course, it would be important to ask him how he sees your relationship and it's future - also in this new context.

Good luck!!!

(I hope you'll come back to tell us more, mostly after the talk...)

Edited by LaLa3
Please, read the text here, not in the e-mail: I modified it a bit!
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As someone who suffers over this every single day, I can assure you that LaLa3's points are right on the money. He just wants to be told by women that what he has is adequate. And I suspect he's afraid that you'll leave him someday and he wants to believe that there's someone else out there who will accept him if you go. I don't think he's looking to cheat. The fear of rejection is probably still too great to risk losing someone who accepts him.

I'd suggest you to calm down first and then talk about it with him not in an angry way, not accusing him of being a cheater or mentally ill, but rather telling him about your care, your confusion, your wish to understand and to accept the truth if he has a "good" explanation. You can tell him that he can trust you and that you're sad that by hiding this he expressed his distrust - but he can know make it better by telling you the truth. And, of course, it would be important to ask him how he sees your relationship and it's future - also in this new context.

^^^^^^^ That's the way to approach it right there. And don't press him too much about the size concerns. This is a different kind of animal. It's a very deep-seated feeling of inadequacy. Those of us with this problem are extremely sensitive about it. Finding out that you know about it will probably scare the hell out of him and make him more afraid that you'll leave.

I have to ask........did the surgery work?

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I'm pleased by your reply :); it seems that you both are lucky and have a big chance to overcome this problem. And I'm also glad that you got the answer of LL (somebody with SPS)! :)

Talking about such delicate issues related to lots of emotions and fears of unattended truths is indeed a terrifying idea. But the alternative isn't much better: You'd be full of incertitudes and fears and he, probably, too (-that you'll find out the truth someday, somehow). If you (both) are able to manage this conversation, then it could even reinforce your relationship, your mutual trust, ... He obviously needs "something" to happen to end his ongoing need for this kind of reassurance. And this "something" might be this revelation; your ability to accept his past and to still love him as he is. I imagine that the most appropriate way of telling him about this might be doing it with many compliments and reassurances. I know it may seems as a paradox: You are dissapointed and scared, have good reasons to feel terrible and even angry at him, yet you will be nice and kind o him and expressing lots of loving emotions and reassurances - athought you feel that it's you who would need a reassurance. But this would be your big contribution to the resolution of the problem and a good example for him: He would see what you've done for him and, hopefully, would try to do something similarly big for you (including reassuring you...). But I don't suggest hiding your negative emotions, as I worte in my previous post. I just suggest to talk about them and explain their reasons, not to "act according to them". He also needs to know about your fears and so on (it would seem even strange and unbilievable if you were only accepting and without negative emotions). He needs to see that you can handle those emotions; that there were/are here, but don't represent a danger for your realtionship. This could be also a good experience for the future - for both of you: Knowing that you also can handle strong negative emotions and don't hurt each other with them. (Maybe you could even use some of these ideas - if you like them and agree - in the discussion with him.)

You said that you're going to live together. This is a big change and can even bring new problems (hopefully not big-ones :)) and maybe incertitudes. Maybe it would be better to wait a bit with the discussion of this topic; so that the first problems around the change can be covercome before. But I don't know; that's just an idea... Obviously I can't know what would be "the appropriate time" - it's up to you to decide. I only think that it shouldn't be "too long", because he could do more of "the things you don't like" (-the on-line reltionships) in the meantime and also he could be more terrified by the long time you will had know "the truth" without telling him. (Sorry for my strange English :P ...)

What if I find out it's even worse than I think?

Personally, I don't suppose this would be probable. However; my answer to this question is: Then it would be even more important to find it out now - soon enough. Much better than after some years. Don't you think so?

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For the record, I don't have SPS. SPS applies to men who are average or larger than average but think they're small. I'm below average size and would literally kill just to be average. Quite frankly, your "very large" boyfriend needs to be served a big tall glass of STFU because he has no clue how bad life could really be. Now that that's out of the way, I'll be glad to take a shot at answering whatever questions you think I may be able to help you with, because even though I'm an angry, bitter, jealous, hate-filled mess, I still do try to help people from time to time.

And yes, you need to talk to him. It will be hard for you and he'll be embarrassed and probably angry at you for looking through his folder, but I seriously doubt that he will leave. At the end of the day, he sees that you accept him (to some degree at least, in his mind) and I just don't see him leaving you, if for no other reason than the fear that he won't be able to find someone else due to his perceived inadequacy. If you don't talk to him, this will gnaw at you and erode the relationship over time. I don't believe that you'll make him feel worse about himself if you go about it the way that LaLa3 has laid it out for you. The key here is to approach this from a place of love and compassion, with a sincere desire to gain a better understanding so you can support him to the best of your ability. You show him that's where you're coming from and he'll probably want to be closer to you rather than run away. Of course, I don't know the guy so I can't guarantee you anything.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Have you considered seeing a relationship counselor? I've found that communication is very important and misunderstandings can screw up everything.

Failing that, i think you really need to sit down and talk to each other, not necessarily about what you discovered, but about what's important to each of you.

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I'm sorry to hear that Cece. After reading all the things you've posted since you arrived here, I really thought you'd be able to get through to him. I'm not saying that you can't ever get through, but it sounds like this thing has an awful grip on him. And it seems to have a different dynamic with him, one that I don't understand. I would think that the last thing he would want to do is try to prove to you that he's not worthy of your love and acceptance. I couldn't imagine doing such a thing if someone were to accept me. I'd be doing everything I could to keep them, not trying to push them away. Obviously it's the opposite with him. Maybe it just works differently in someone who has the syndrome as opposed to someone who is actually undersized. I don't know. That's something the psychologists need to figure out. I wish I had an answer for you. I can see how much you care.

What you posted made perfect sense to me. Maybe as a last resort, you should tell him exactly what you posted but just change the wording to make it personal. "Your need to prove that this makes you unlovable is destroying the person who loves you the most.....me." Those words would hit me so hard coming from someone who loved me.

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I ask what I did that was so bad to deserve this all the time. I never get an answer.

I don't think moving in together is going to work right now, Cece. That often makes a couple's issues get worse. Both of you need to be on good footing for that to work and he's definitely not, so much so that it's causing the ground under your feet to give way.

I don't know why he gives a damn whether or not other women find him attractive and well endowed right now. Worry about that if/when you lose the woman you've got. He needs to understand that worrying about that is going to make him lose the one he's got.

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You're right. Seeing the therapist isn't going to make him accept himself or your love, but in addition to being a support structure for you no matter how the relationship turns out, going there can help you maintain clarity about this situation and you need that, especially if you're going to keep trying to work through this issue with him.

I strongly agree with LaLa3 on this one. Ask him to go to a couples therapy session with you.

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