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To be or not to be a Pedophile? I'm confused!


Trucker40
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Okay, I joined this community hoping to get some answers, but now I'm just confused. From some of the posts I scanned before I joined it seemed like the right place to be, but some of the replies I have read since joining have me a bit lost. I only joined yesterday and I know there is a lot of reading here I could do, but I would like to hear from someone who is/has been in the place I believe I am and has some real answers. I am not a teenager by far so hormones is't it. I don't believe it's OCD, but I could be wrong (on the other side of that it seems like OCD and pedohilia could almost go hand-in-hand). One response I read said something to the effect of if a person is a pedophile they will know it (can't say that I honestly agree with that statement - I don't think I would have "known" I was even a year ago). Meanwhile, in a response to someone else I read the original starter of the topic was told they shouldn't label themselves as a pedophile because it would be like giving into the feelings that person has which cause them to fear they are a pedophile. I don't agree with this statement either - that would be like removing the 1st step in alcohol recovery (which would be admitting you are an alcoholic - duh!). Seems to me the first step for a pedophile would be to admit it to themselves (and at some point other people - i.e. family, close friends, etc.).

While this has all confused me more it's better than the previous community I looked into - one responder told a guy he was just "Sick! Sick! Sick!" (I'm not looking to be judged for this, I'm looking for help and some peoples self-righteous attiudes is not going to f***ing help!); another responder said that all pedophiles should just cut themselves off from internet, TV, etc. (I havn't isolated myself enough all ready? Why don't you just stick me in a dark room, bring me food and water once in awhile - or let me starve if it eases your conscience - and while you're at it gouge out my eyes so I can't look at girls, oh and give me a lobotomy so I can't think!); a third responder said that pedophiles are people who have not matured emotionally (that may be true, I don't know to be honest).

With that said I apologize if this gets drawn out, but I feel I need to present as full a picture as possible if I'm going to get any good feedback.

I believe there are a lot of issues that go a long way back which may or may not have contributed to me now believing I am a pedophile, but unless someone has the time and is willing to read a f***ing chapter book of my past I will just skip it for now (if anyone wants to hear/read about it and give me an objective viewpoint I will start a new topic later). Let's just say I was not physically or sexually abused - that I am aware of anyway. I think overall I probably had a pretty good childhood, but there are things that happened that I have not forgotten, so maybe those things play some role. I don't fear believing/knowing I am a pedophile - what I do fear is going to jail, letting down my family, being judged by others I care about and society in general; among other things.

I have been married to the same woman for almost 17 years. I have 2 teenagers at home and an adult stepdaughter living on her own. While my wife has been very supportive in a lot of things it's been a struggle for both of us almost since the beginning. She has always been an open book and I have always been private, secretive, isolated and introverted. The first few years of our relationship we had a decent sex life - at least a couple times a week, sometimes more. She had an idea about some of my fantasies, but I have never been able to open up to her about them - they are varied and many and don't ALWAYS include children, but that has always been recurring and has increased in frequency and intensity over time. She just told me she didn't think it was abnormal early in our marriage, but that didn't stop me from feeling guilt about it or from doing it, obviously.

I think the first time I actually accessed CP was on a military deployment (serving in the National Guard/Reserve, but I also have a full-time civilian job). I had some file-sharing software on my laptop and had searched for something (I don't even recall what I was looking for), but the amount of other crap that came up...Holy S**t!! And wouldn't you know, there were titles with words like "preteen" and "lolitas", which were not even close to what I searched for. Being obsessed with sexual fantasies involving pre-pubescent girls as I was/am I just had to open the files. I found practically a pedophiles dream! There were a few videos of men conducting sexual activity with underage girls or girls who looked extremely young (most looked anywhere from about 7 to possibly 18 in a few). Those went the way of adult porn videos for me (yawn...I would rather have an image of the girl alone and masturbate). Most of the files were photos, again as young as 6 or 7, but possibly as old as 18+. I coudn't tell you the number of pictures I have saved (and later deleted out of fear of being caught and guilt for enjoying looking at the pictures and masturbating). There were other issues as well, some of which my wife knew about at the time and called it "emotional cheating". A couple of months before I came home on leave she gave me an ultimatum - I could stay somewhere else and visit my kids or we could work out the "emotional cheating" issues. I agreed to the latter and saved my marriage from ending in divorce court - for the time being.

Some time after I returned home from deployment is when my wife found out about the CP. I don't believe she saw any of the videos, but on several occasions I didn't minimize a window before she could see my laptop screen. And several times she warned me of the consequences (not just going to jail, but what it would do to our kids - both going to jail and the reasons for going to jail because she was not going to lie to them). Each time I would guiltily agree and delete whatever I had on my computer - only to look for more later. The last time this happened was about 3 years ago. I had a new laptop and an external drive. Guess where the pictures went - because God forbid should I delete them yet again. Yep, I saved them on the external hard drive. At this time I would guess that only about 10-15% of the pictures I currently have stored are actually under 18 years of age - and that's debatable as they were way too easy to access. They could be late blooming 18 year olds for all I know - or not; it's hard to say for sure. But that's missing the point isn't it? The fact is, I continue to try to access CP in one form or another. I found several sites over the years that have a link that said "Click link x times for...." - basically to get to the "good stuff". My own fear of going to jail and the public ridicule that would follow have kept me from ever "clicking".

So, here we are today. I'm living in a sexless marriage (at least with my wife anyway). The last time we had sex was over a year ago and before that 2 years (although a year of that was another deployment). I have lied (to both of us) that it is lack of interest on my part. I'm pretty sure she knows better, but she has stopped pushig the issue. I have also gotten better (until recently) about hiding my masturbation. Several nights ago I was sitting at my computer on the dining room table, looking at pictures and fantasizing about young girls and touching myself when my daughter walked into the kitchen! I stopped immediately and if she saw nothing has been said. By the way, at different times in the past I have fantasized about my stepdaughter, my daughter and my wifes niece. A common fantasy for me also is incest (with the aforementioned, as well as, imagined family members - i.e. an imaginary underage daughter, niece or much younger sisters; I don't actually have any sisters).

The most common ages of girls in my fantasies are 11-13; sometimes 14; on rare occasions 15-18; and extremely rarely 7-9, but I usually move on quickly as I feel really disturbed about thinking of having sex with girls that age; I have no idea why that is.

I often wonder if an opportunity presented itself could I stop myself from actually engaging in child molestation. While I didn't necessarily lack in opportunities with the 3 girls mentioned in the previous paragraph (they weren't really abundant either) I never purposely engaged in sexual activity with any of them (although, I have pushed the limit, I know). When my stepdaughter was 8 we were home alone for whatever reason. we had a hide-a-bed in the living room where my wife and I slept because there weren't enough bedrooms for all of us. We were on the bed having a tickle fight and she was on all fours in front of me. I went to tickle her sides and she backed into me and I instantly became erect. Not knowing what else to do I immediately ended the tickle fight in a ball of fear and nervous frustration. When she was 10 I got up early for work one morning, her door was open and she was laying on her bed where I could see her underwear. I went erect instantly and with no one awake to say anythig I masturbated while looking at my sleeping stepdaughter. A similar thing occured about a year later only this time it was my niece and she was 12. She had stayed over and was sleeping on our couch. She wore a loose-fitting tank top and one breast was in full view! Again I masturbated while staring at her! I have never done this with my daughter.

The only other instance of anything like this happening occured years before when I was 16 and for all I know it may be considered molestation by the letter of the law. This particular time a friend and I were staying at his girlfriends dad's house. Rather than sleep in the house we set up a tent in the yard for the night. The girlfiends 10 year old half-sister also slept in the tent and I was between the two girls (the friend girlfriend was actually older than me, by the way). For the first time I can remember I had a young girl laying close beside me (there wasn't much room). I had an erection and didn't know what to do - I was so worried about it I couldn't sleep for a long time. Then, when the others had gone to sleep I did something I never concieved I could do. At first, I tried to reach my hand up her shirt, but I was too shaky from nerves that I only had her shirt halfway up when she stirred and rolled over. Now her back was to me! To make this brief, I did masturbate - with the head of my penis against the crotch of the girls pants. After that I dropped off to sleep and have never been the same. If anyone knew they never said (although, I don't know how anyone could miss the mess I left!) and until now I have never mentioned it to anyone in ayway!

So there it is. I apologize for this being so long, but I needed to get this out somehow. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I or am I not a pedophile? I'm sure the most common answer when asking for help is to get therapy. Okay, but how do I pay for it? I can't exactly stop feeding my family! I suppose I could sell the house we just started paying for, but then where will we live? We barely make it from paycheck to paycheck now, how Am I supposed to afford therapy? Even if I do get into therapy I would have to explain to my wife where the money is going and I am not ready for that discussion yet. I am eligible for military retirement in a year - how is this and getting therapy going to effect the end of my military career? Is there any way this is genetic? Just curious because I have a uncle who recently went to prison for inappropriately touching a child. I can't think of anything else to ask right now. Just asking for some help. Where the hell do I start?

:confused: :unsure:

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Hi Trucker, and welcome.

Definitely, pedophilia is a difficult topic. I can tell you up front that a fairly large number of our members have been molested as children, which makes it even more delicate. That doesn't mean that we can't discuss it; I just wanted you to know your audience.

Some people seem to divide the topic of pedophilia into fantasies and actions. I hope we're at least agreed that acting on a sexual attraction to children would harm the child; it wasn't clear whether or not you felt that way. I can give you quite clear testimony that it does harm them. Humans are not ready to be sexual before a certain age.

And that makes fantasies about the subject difficult, as well. My personal definition of sex is that it's between two consenting adults, which means two people who are old enough to know what they're consenting to, and that just doesn't apply to children. Fantasy is fantasy; we all have them, and we don't necessarily go out and do what we imagine. People have rape fantasies, for instance, without becoming rapists. But there is a tendency to confirm certain ideas by thinking them repeatedly, and confirming the thought with an orgasm isn't going to help. And inherent in both rape and child molestation is a desire to do violence to someone; sex is secondary, if it really enters into it at all. It makes more sense to investigate why that violent feeling exists rather than to give in to it in one's fantasies.

So that brings us to your marriage. Do you think that your fantasies are the only reason that you and your wife are no longer intimate? See, if I were going to recommend some kind of therapy, it would probably be couples therapy. It feels to me (and this comes in part from my own failed marriage, which also was sexless at the end) that "emotional cheating" may be closer to the truth than you like to think.

I don't know for sure how you would pay for it (of course.) Is there any option through the Veterans Administration? I'm not sure what the benefits are for reservists, but if you've had deployments as long as a year, maybe you qualify for things you don't even know about. And ... you might find that if you talked to your wife about wanting counseling with her, the two of you might be able to work something out between you.

Personally, I think we are who we choose to be. So I'm not going to try to answer whether you are or are not any particular thing; I think that's going to be your job. I do hope that it's off the table to act on these urges with children, though. You have to keep in mind that however it might make you feel, to them it's a violation, a kind of rape, because they're not old enough to choose for themselves.

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Malign - Thanks for the response! Was beginning to wonder. I do feel that at least part of the problem in my marriage has been due to my sexual fantasies. I don't have them all the time, but I do have them a lot and they occur more often over time until at times that is all I can think about! Nothing else stirs any kind of arousal and often as not, giving myself sexual release just "adds fuel to the fire", as the saying goes. I want to look at pictures at every opportunity (doesn't matter if the girls are 18+ as long as they look younger and I can at least imagine that they are). Often I will prolong stimulation for 2 or 3 days before finally masturbating and then I "fix" that problem by doing it once or twice a day (or more) for as many as 3 or 4 days! Usually, by the time I have reached the point where I do allow myself that release my testicles have been aching for a day or 2! During these times I am less social with my family.

It also makes it difficult to be out of the house. We have recently been helping a cousin of mine who doesn't have a car to get around. She has a 9-year-old daughter. Usually my wife picks them up in the morning, drops the daughter off at school and takes my cousin to a friends until she has to be to work. In the evening I take them home as my wife can't see well to drive at night. It is an uncomfortable situation for me because I can't seem to not look at her daughter in a sexual way. I always take my wife or one of my own kids along and that seems to help...a little. But just seeing girls aged 14 and younger on TV or on the street arouses me and stirs my fantasies to life when they have been mostly quiet for a short time.

While I have never tried to have sex with a child, it doesn't mean the thought has not occured to me. Only a couple of days ago I became so overwhelmed by my fantasies that I thought, "Just do it and be done with it!" Not that committing the act would solve the problem and deep down I know this. I also know the consequences of being caught, but nothing changes. An overwhelming sense of guilt and shame is probably the biggest thing that has kept me from talking to anyone close to me about how I feel (the same feeling I get after masturbating or looking at adult porn). I think I must be a hypocrit as well since I get angry and disgusted when I hear about a child being abducted and sexually assaulted while at the same time I am having thoughts/fantasies of doing that exact thing. I guess that's where part of the confusion for me lies.

The fantasies do often tend to be violent, but just as often they are "romantic" and "consensual" even though I know that is not possible. At these times I also get irritable and moody (my wifes observation) if disturbed from searching for or looking at pictures of children or what could be children. I will leave it reluctantly, but go back to it immediatey at the first opportunity. We tried putting software on my computer that blocked certain websites by keyword and my wife was the only one who knew the password - I found a way around it. We could take my computer away, but with the new "paperless Army" I am required to keep an Army email account. It would only stop me from thinking/fantasizing about it for awhile anyway.

My wife and I had considered couples therapy, but it always came down to how we were going to pay for it. In the end we tried several self-help programs as a secondary...to no avail. My fantasies would still get in the way and they were there before I met my wife, so I feel it has been a hindrance in our marriage from the start. I 'm not sure if going together would help at first or not. For one thing I feel this has probably been a problem far longer than I have been married, so I don't know that it's just a marriage issue - it became one when we started the relationship.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on now. Didn't mean to draw this reply out so long. As I said, just looking for someone to talk to and try to figure this out.

By the way, I had considered going to the local Vet Center to a social worker I have seen in the past after my deployments. He is really easy to talk to, but they generally specialize in combat stress as they are veterans themselves...and I'm not sure how far their confidentiality extends.

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Hey, if you're here because of issues with pedophilia, you probably know who I am by now. I guess you could say I'm this site's resident pedophile, and I should point out that the quote you paraphrased about pedophiles knowing they're pedophiles was mine. I apologize for not responding until now, but I don't frequent this site so often anymore, so at best, I tend to check up every few days.

Look, I'm no professional, but I do know a fairly large amount of people who are attracted to children, so I figure I'll chime in. From what you describe, I think it's safe to call you a hebephile. Hebephilia is like an offshoot of pedophilia. It refers to an attraction to children who are in the early stages of puberty. Your primary attraction to girls aged 11-13 is a dead giveaway.

I'm sorry that you are suffering with issues related to CP. That stuff is like a drug. The important thing is that you understand that what you're doing isn't okay, and that you need help. Let me ask you a question. Why don't you have a sex life with your wife anymore? Are you just not attracted to women her age now, or is there something else going on? If I can be frank, having a partner who can fulfill your sexual needs would make quitting CP much easier.

You've talked a lot about wanting therapy. Why do you want it so badly? I understand that it can help you, and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't done me wonders, but my question is if you really need it or not. In my experience in dealing with pedophiles, some can get along fine without therapy while others really need it. Would you say you suffer from real depression? Why or why not?

I'll try to help you the best I can. Feel free to PM me any time, and I should get right back to you. Also, if you're interested, I know a couple other non-offending pedophiles (both had CP addictions at one point or another) who may be able to offer you support. If you're interested, just say something.

Take care!

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Musicman - Yes I did get the quote from one of your threads. I'll have to admit reading them was why I decided to join this community - someone might actually be able to relate to me! It has also encouraged me to do more research. I guess the biggest reason I feel I need therapy is how much it is affecting my life now. It seems like with time it just gets worst. Most recently, I went through a phase where I couldn't stop thinking about sex with young girls while I was awake - it has been many years since I could remember a dream or even having dreams upon waking so I have no way of knowing how it has affected them. I am a local truck driver and this was very distracing. I finally reached a point where I felt the need to masturbate (my testicles really hurt after a few days!), but once was not enough. For several days I did this at least twice a day!

As for not feeling attracted to my wife...it seems like I can't get aroused by anything except young girls. I have even looked at regular porn and it just doesn't seem to arouse me all that much. I love my wife and I hate what this is doing to our relationship. It's not that I don't feel attracted to her at all or even adult women period. Maybe it's just that my fantasies have really taken over and I just need to change how I think - if that's possible.

I have been treated for depression before. For awhile I was going through bouts of severe depression about once a year at about the same time for a few weeks. Then, I thought I was fine when it didn't happen again...until 6 months later. Then I was deployed to Iraq and things got really bad. At one point I didn't try to contact my wife for about 2 months. She voiced her concerns to my parents, who contacted someone stateside in my unit. Next thing knew I was being pulled off the line. The military doc gave me a 30-day supply of Prozac. I did take most of it, but then I stopped. They never pushed me to continue taking it or get counseling. I returned home and other than seeing a social worker a couple of times for PTSD things were actually going quite well. When I went on another deployment 4 years later we were more prepared; we felt our marriage and family were stronger - and we were. Throughout this time I was still seeking CP, though.

And as far as therapy; simply because I feel I never really learned to be an adjustable person. While I was never abused I feel there are some events that took place during my childhood that have affected me sexually - for instance, I have always felt more pleasure in masterbating alone than having sex with a partner. I have always felt a lot of guilt afterward, even though my parents never told me it was wrong - they never encouraged me that it was ok either. I guess my hope for therapy is that maybe I can get help figuring out what all my issues are and try to work through them; maybe even cognitive therapy could help learn to refocus the way my brain thinks. I don't know - it's just a thought.

Another thing...I used to love to write (can you tell?). When I was 14 I knew I wanted to write fantasy novels. When I started a family life took over and writing was put on the back burner. I tried over the years to go back to it, but it seemed like I could never get the old vibes back. Then, my fantasy novels started to take on an overtly sexual theme - something I never originally intended. About 6 years ago my thoughts/fantasies of young girls completely took over my writing. I don't write much anymore.

BTW, last night I deleted all files, temp. internet files, browsing history, bookmarks, etc. relating to porn of any kind from my computer - in as much as my techncal knowledge of computers will allow anyway. This, of course, is not the first time I have done this, but it is the first time I have done it for reasons other than guilt or fear of being caught. So, maybe that's a good sign!

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Let's start from the beginning here. Assume that you didn't watch CP. Would you feel guilty about your attractions? In other words, do you feel like you're a bad person simply for being a pedophile, or is it only related to CP? Also, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there's nothing wrong with masturbation. You said that you prefer masturbation to sex. Why, may I ask, is this the case? Do you find masturbation to be better then sex even without using CP and relying on fantasies?

I'll be honest here. The way you describe your decreased attractions to to women is a bit concerning. It is not unheard of for people who once considered themselves nonexclusive pedophiles to later become exclusive. However, the good news is that as far as I can tell, this is pretty rare, and the odds that this has happened to you are low. My advice is to experiment. Maybe go a week or so without masturbating and see if that improves your reaction to your wife or regular, legal pornography. Also, just be open-minded. If you convince yourself that you're exclusive, you'll have a much more difficult time.

As far as writing goes, if you find it comforting, go for it. It's a great hobby to practice. Write a real story if you can, but try not to bring anything related to sex and children into it. Another suggestion I have is actually to write your own erotic literature involving children. I've never done this, but I've heard some people say that doing so makes it easier for them to control their impulses.

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Musicman-

To try and answer your questions:

- Assume that you didn't watch CP. Would you feel guilty about your attractions?

Without a doubt yes! I never owned a PC until about 12 or 13 years ago. Until that time all I knew about CP is what you get from the media. So, yes I would feel (and have felt) guilty about my attractions with no direct correlation to watching CP. BTW - I never have really been aroused by watching any kind of porn; I was always more aroused by looking at photos; I have actually watched very little CP (and in fact was often somewhat disgusted by it); what I have done is sought out photos of pre-pubescent girls in various states of dress from fully clothed to nude. It really doesn't matter how much or little clothing they have on once I start fantasizing about the subject in the photo.

- Do you find masturbation to be better then sex even without using CP and relying on fantasies?

I have always found masturbation better with and without. I don't know why that is for sure. I would have thought negative feelings would make me not want to, but that hasn't been the case. Couple of situations after I first discovered masturbation might have something to do with it (again negative feelings associated with it), but I am not sure how comfortable I am relating those in an open forum - maybe in a PM. I will say, however, I discovered masturbation at about 10 and didn't have my first sex partner until I was 21 (my wife is my second). I have always been very shy and introverted. I have always got pleasure from the idea of "kinky" sexual activities, but when it comes down to acting them out I have always felt really embarrassed and even guilty which has prevented me from doing it. Also, having fantasies has made it hard to enjoy sex with a partner because I never really feel like it's fair to them that it's hard for me to get aroused before and stay aroused during sex without the fantasies. Keep in mind they have not always been about very young girls, when they are is it fair to the other person involved that you are not thinking of them in the first place - I have always felt a great deal of guilt over this.

- Maybe go a week or so without masturbating

As I said earlier I deleted all porn of any kind from my computer. I have done this before (usually when I start to feel guilty and then depression sets in). I probably will go for a week now without feeling the need to masturbate. After awhile I will most likely start to feel sexual urges (sadly, not associated with my wife). At first it will involve regular porn, but as early as within a few days my thoughts (what I fantasize about and what I want to look at) turn to young girls. So, I will say that I am not being exclusive at first. Also, I have always been attracted to and admired the female body (as is the case with most heterosexual men). I also need to point out that even when my fantasies are not "running wild" I often find myself looking at young girls in the mall, supermarket, etc. It is very hard not to look let alone not be obvious about it. At the same time I do still look at older females as well, but I do still tend to be more attracted to women at least 15 years younger than myself - from what I have read/researched thus far that is not uncommon among older men as it is part of a more primitive male instinct to procreate and younger females tend to be more fertile.

- actually to write your own erotic literature involving children

That is actually why I stopped writing. Usually, I would start to write out a fantasy, but before I was probably 1/4 of they way through I was more than ready for sexual gratification. Already feeling guilty about being aroused by what I wrote I didn't feel comfortable taking my wife back in the bedroom to have sex. Once I fulfilled me "need" to masturbate I no longer felt the urge to write the fantasy out and it goes unfinished. I did join a forum for people to read and submit erotic stories at one time. I even submitted the first chapter of my own chapter story. The rules stated that stories could contain consesual intercourse with characters as young as 14 (while this didn't exactly suit my writing "needs" it was at least close). In stories containing rape/force/coercion/nonconsent/reluctance the characters could not be under 16. I also more recently found a site of copyrighted stories with subjects as young as 7 (in what stories I read). While this did seem to help fulfill the "need" it also became a need in itself - equal to the "addiction" to looking at photos of young girls. I will admit that writing the fantasies could be helpful. Part of the problem I have had with writing my own is feeling the need to add photos to the stories and so I start seeking them out again. Not sure what to do about that other than self-control which becomes extremely difficult after a week or 2.

Sorry, I am not trying sound fatalistic. Just trying to be honest about what I know and have seen in myself. Also, just so you know, my fantasies have taken on an increasing tone of incest over the years - with real family members (including my own daughters and niece!) as well as imaginary. Not sure what this means.

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Musicman -

Thought of some other things in the meantime. I have talked to my wife about a small part of this, but it is difficult. There are many things she does not know and I'm not sure if/when/how I will ever be able to "lay it all out". One thing we did discuss is my past depression and how I changed after my first military deployment. I suppose it is possible this all relates to my depression, but with my changes from the deployment my depression has changed as well (i.e. before my wife could see a noticably drastic change in my mood, where as, now it may be a gradual change that has occured over a few years with highs and lows - the highs getting shorter and less high each time). Not sure how familiar you are with skateboarding, but it's the best analogy I can think of. Imagine dropping a ball down one side of a half-pipe. It will roll to the bottom, up the other side and then come back. Each time the ball loses momentum and can't go as high as before until it finally stops at the bottom. We (my wife and I) are wondering if my depression isn't working in a similar manner. I still feel the fantasies and thoughts are a problem though since I still have them when I'm on a "high", they just don't happen to be right out front - more like in the background. Also, I will say that for some time (probably as long as the last year - maybe even longer) it's almost as if my head has been in a kind of "fog". Since I started looking for help and have talked to my wife a little it's almost as if I have snapped out of it so to speak - which is how I have come out of my depressions in the past. As of a couple days ago I have had a mental clarity I haven't felt in a very long time!

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  • 1 year later...

I was molested as a chiild and i have never had a pedo urge, I think people who do best keep it in their heads once you violate a child in my opinion you forfiet your freedom and if I had my way you would never see the light of day. There is no light side of this for me, becuase if I coul;d i would take my .40 cal and shoot the man who molested me! He is already dead, i have no sympathy6 for any pedofile! best resist those fantasys and urges.

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I was molested as a chiild and i have never had a pedo urge, I think people who do best keep it in their heads once you violate a child in my opinion you forfiet your freedom and if I had my way you would never see the light of day. There is no light side of this for me, becuase if I coul;d i would take my .40 cal and shoot the man who molested me! He is already dead, i have no sympathy6 for any pedofile! best resist those fantasys and urges.

And this is what happens when I try to seek help. I have never harmed a child and have no intention to, but because of thoughts/fantasies I feel like I can't control I am a dispiccable human being. Or maybe I am just not human to you. [removed name-calling] Would it help you sleep better if I go hang myself over my fantasies? I guess helps you. I am not human so if I kill myself tonight who will care? I hope my death sits well on your consience [removed name-calling]. Human beings suck!!

Edited by IrmaJean
removed name-calling
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And this is what happens when I try to seek help. I have never harmed a child and have no intention to, but because of thoughts/fantasies I feel like I can't control I am a dispiccable human being. Or maybe I am just not human to you. Well, fuck you dick! Would it help you sleep better if I go hang myself over my fantasies? I guess helps you. I am not human so if I kill myself tonight who will care? I hope my death sits well on your consience asshole. Human beings suck!!

Trucker, you're clearly still upset about all of this. Why don't we talk?

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This subject matter is likely to bring up strong feelings in many of us. I would ask that we all be respectful of one another and mindful of our triggers. Try talking about feelings as they apply to yourself rather than directing any kind of personal attacks on other members.

Trucker, how can we best support you? Would it help to talk more about your feelings?

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Sorry but I find it kind of funny that no one really seems to want to talk about it until someone makes verbal threats (whether to themselves or others). As for this Suil person...I can't pretend to undetstand how it feels to be molested as I wasn't. My thoughts/fantasies have been there for as long as I can remember and are not related to being molested. BUT I do have things to live for and having slept on it...you're not worth it giving up on life. As for this community...this was my last resort at trying to find help on my own. It seems like we (as a society in general) want to "fix" the problem after it's too late (castration and other extreme forms of therapy come to mind) rather than try to prevent things in the first place. So I am done! I give up! I quit! I will muddle through like I always have and hope that a situation never arises where my thoughts/fantasies and my morals collapse. Yes there are strong feelings concerning this subject matter! When I try to talk about it I feel like I get treated like a monster even though I have never molested anyone I don't know that I am capable of doing so. And that is why I keep it inside and don't talk about it. I guess I am a monster in everyones eyes and I have to live with it.

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Trucker, I would point out that Suil talked mostly about the man who molested him. If you're not going to act on your urges, the bulk of what he said doesn't apply to you.

This is a place where we try our best to hear both sides, because humanity contains both sides, and both sides are suffering.

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Trucker, are you aware of the Virtuous Pedophiles support group? There are a lot of people there who find themselves in similar situations to yourself. When I used to frequent these forums (back then, this place was called Mental Help Net), I always wished more than anything that I could find other people who suffered with my attractions. I only ever met a couple, and they came and disappeared very quickly.

I urge you to talk with me so we can try and figure things out for you.

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  • 7 months later...

Trucker, I admire your courage to be open, but be very careful. The mind is like plasticine and can be moulded. The difference between watching CP and molesting a young child is a very fine line, our subconscious mind can hardly distinguish between reality and imagination. I am a hypnotherapist and I've had a lot of success with sexual therapy for TS and for gays, but I won't be able to do anything for this subject because it is too dangerous, even though I know that hypnotherapy will work. I doubt if any professional hypnotist would dare to dabble with this. If you continue to watch CP soon enough you'll be on the next step. The first thing that makes me angry is that there is not much said for the victims. The more CP you watch, the more is made, so you are directly responsible for the traumatic intense damage to young children. You are damaging the lives of innocent children. Stop being so egoist and selfish and think of these innocent children. Forget your selfish attitude towards prison and shame, because that's just the beginning of the suffering that you deserve. I can't think of anything in the world more evil than tricking an innocent child or even abuse. Actually you're already a child molester because you admitted to masturbating over a young girl. This girl obviously knows and you may have done some damage. Do you realize where these CP videos comes from, they have to be made and 99% forced and abused which will damage a childs life for ever. If most men like yourself would seek help then we could stop this child genocide. So mostly you're concerned about yourself and what your wife thinks, which is petty and selfish when you're dealing with such a cruel and barbaric crime. If you act now, today and seek help above everything else then there still maybe time. If you don't have much finance, then you can seek your own help. Simply practice with self-hypnosis inductions until you're able to reach a trance. Then write a script for yourself, it doesn't have to be very long, just precise, and straight to the point, and always with positive phrases. If you state, "I don't like watching CP" then your mind will perceive this as "I like watching CP" so always use a positive script. It's better to say, "I am free of the addiction to CP" or "CP is horrible and disgusting" and "I enjoy sex with mature women" you can make a list of these affirmations, record them, and repeat them. You then place on an mp3 player an induction to trance then your affirmations and at the end a short wake up script (I will now count up to five and when I reach 5 you'll be fully awake) Please don't leave it till next week, act now.

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