Super depressed and to talk soon!!!

[Trucker40]

So, while it seems like there is hardly ever anyone here I grew impatient at for need to talk to some one and with there not being chat availaibe here I looked for another place to go get help. New members had to post 5 times before being allowed to enter the chat. I managed to post 3 times and set up my profile while I waited for the posts to be reviewed. Went to bed and couldn't sleep. I think I finally dropped off a couple hours ago and now I have to go to work! Checked into that site to see if my posts were up and if I had any replies. I got banned because I was honest about why I was there! That really sucks! I am tired, deressed and I hate myself more than I have in a long time. I even admitted I wasn't sure if I was a pedophile or if it was a form of OCD or something! Maybe I I told too much about myself! Maybe I should crawl under a rock and die! I need some help!!!

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry for the lack of replies. Does it help to express yourself more?

[Trucker40]

IrmaJean - To a degree it does help, but the feelings of helplessness/hopelessness have lingered all day. I am feeling anxiety now about seeking professional help as I am fearful I will be told there is no hope - basically, that I might as well accept I am a pedophile and be done with it! This thinking has brought me to 2 options: 1) commit the act and turn myself in, which I honestly don't feel I could actually do the former, but who really knows; 2) Just end it all, which I would probably want to do anyway if I did cause harm to a child. It's pretty discouraging when you go someplace that supposedly has a doctor and you get banned for a condition I may or may not have. Researching articles on pedophilia are discouraging, as well, since the mental health community seems split. How would I know if the therapist I go to see will help me or hang me? I read an article by a psychologist who advocated the only way to help pedophiles is long term imprisonment - from a mental health professional! Just because I have thoughts/fantasies doesn't make me a pedophile does it? What about lack of impulse control? I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but by voicing my own concern I am "kicked to the curb"? Not sure what to do now...just live with my problems and force my family to as well?

[Ralph]

This may be worded poorly because this topic is triggering for me. Others here, especially Musicman, can probably say what I have to say better than the way I say it. That out of the way, I think you are using "pedophile" where you mean "child molester". A pedophile is someone whose primary sexual attractions are to children, while a child molester is someone who sexually abuses children. The two are not necessarily the same. If you are a pedophile you could still refuse to act on your attractions and fantasies, which is a possible third option to the two you have identified so far. If you were a child molester, I don't think you would be seeking help in the first place.

When you say, "commit the act" I am assuming you are referring to the act of child abuse, an option that I, as an adult survivor, hope you would take off the table. If you believe you are at risk of losing impulse control and acting on an urge without meaning to, I hope you can find a strategy to separate yourself from children and/or only be in contact with them with another adult such as your wife present.

You said in the thread title that you are depressed. What if you got help for that first? The reason I suggest this is it sounds like you have already played out how any scenario of getting help would go and found it only has a bad end no matter how you look at it. This is a hallmark of cognitive distortion and it is difficult to feel anything but helpless and hopeless when your thinking is going around this way.

As for finding a therapist and getting more information, a site called b4uact.org exists to help people with pedophilia find compassionate treatment. You can find information there about questions to ask a therapist. They also have a peer support email group which may be of interest to you.

[Trucker40]

Ralph - Thanks for the response. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through what you did. I know while I do have the thoughts/fantasies, I get angry and disgusted when I see it in the media. It happened recently here to an 11-year-old girl who was abducted and assaulted. She was found 4 hours later and the perp was caught in a week. She kicked him in the face and bloodied his nose, which I had to cheer. So, with that said, I don't believe I would do something like that and. as I said, I don't think I could live with myself if I did. Although, at times (particularly in the last few weeks) the thoughts become so vivid and overwhelmng it affects my ability to function at home, work or in public. I isolate myself from everyone and the thoughts increase that much more. The last week or 2 has been the worst it's ever been! I drive a truck locally (150 miles round-trip, 2-4 times a day) and got to the point I was "taking care of myself" while driving at least once a day! I tried to fight the urge to do so for 3 days only to cause myself pain in my testicles and then my thoughts turned to the possibilty of following through on the fantasies. This lead to guilty feelings, followed by masturbating to try to get rid of those fantasies (which usually helps for a bit) and that lead to more feelings of guilt!

As I said, I don't believe I would actually harm a child - simply because of how I feel about others doing it and my own guilty conscience. That doesn't mean the potential isn't there and that is my fear. I have reached out to a couple of places in my community that I hope can help - awaiting responses. I tried reaching out to the local Vet Center, but have heard nothing back. Unfortunately, I live in what would be considered a smaller community in a very conservative state with a small population. This should give you at least an idea what kind of help I can look forward to. So far, from what I can find, it's virtually nonexistent. And I'm not even sure the couple of places I reached out to wouldn't have a bias anyway.

On the bright side, I did take steps of my own - I deleted all pornographic photos from my computer (there were over 12,500!!!!) and all bookmarks, cookies, temp files and browsing history. That is not to say I haven't done this before. Eventually, I end up seeking it again. That's another reason I am seeking help - I need to break this cycle!

Again, I am sorry to here about your own ordeal - it sucks you even had to go through it.

[Trucker40]

Ralph - BTW no I am not a child molester - or at least I have done nothing that would make me one. From what I have seen in the metal health community so far, the majority of professionals in the field don't make much, if any, distinction between the 2 - including the APA. And thanks for the tip. Going to check it out, but I have a feeling I won't find any help that is not at least 4 or 5 hours drive - due to my remote location and the current availability of help for someone like myself that I have found in my own community.