Still in hospital

[AmyeH]

I've been in hospital for coming up to two years now. It's an absolute nightmare. All of it. I tried all medications and nothing heled me so I started doing ECT a few weeks ago. I've done 10 ECTs so far but I had a seizure 7 times out of 10. It hasn't done anything for me yet. There's no change. I'm just feel feeling worse the last few weeks.

I'm getting closer and closer to giving up, holding my hands up and surrendering. Nothing is helping me. I had my breakdown 2 1/2 years ago and no joke, things have just gotten worse and worse. I feel so hopeless and helpless.

Suicide is seeing like the only option. I have BPD, depression, AvPD, anxiety and OCD. It's just too much to take. No relief from medications, no relief from therapy, and no results so far from the ECT.

I don't know what else I can do in order to get better.

I can't believe that this is still going on. I'm going in to comatose sometimes and can't eat or sleep. Or move or talk. And I stay like this for hours unable to snap out of it.

The doctors and my therapist don't know what to do with me. I sit in silence with my therapist. I've totally shut down. I can't talk the same crap all the time about how much I hate life and have no hope.

What an absolute nightmare.

[IrmaJean]

I hear that you are feeling discouraged and sad, Amy. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. :( I'm here, sitting with you and listening.

You are writing and expressing yourself here. Does this offer you any relief? Have you ever tried writing to your therapist?

Sometimes looking at everything all at once can feel overwhelming. Maybe it helps to think in moments. Hang on for one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, if you can. Can you connect with anything that you find soothing? If you are able to find relief, you may also be open to some light and, one day, hope. It's okay to accept support and care. We're here, Amy. I hope you will keep expressing yourself.

[AmyeH]

Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate your support and advice.

My psychologist here in the hospital is very supportive and cares a LOT. It pains me to see her struggle and be frustrated with my situation. She cries at times because she sees me in pain so much. She broke the rules and gave me her mobile number and email address and I am allowed to call her at any time I like if I don't feel well. I email her once a week and speak with her once or twice during the week.

It's like I have everything set up for me and I AM FAILING. Me and my psychologist are even starting off with DBT in a couple of weeks time. I've been working with a DBT workbook for a couple of months but I just can't seem to get to grips with it. My psychologists have been saying 'practice radical acceptance' but I just can't except feeling bad! I'm meant to accept feeling bad?! No way! I don't know. Maybe I just have everything screwed up inside my own head and I'm treatment resistant.

The depression is so deep. I've seriously never felt so low before. I don't know how it can get worse before it gets better. I feel physically sick, nauseous, dizzy...

I can't put it in to words even. I just feel myself shutting down physically and mentally more and more all the time.

[LaLa]

Hello, A.,

I'm sorry you feel so very bad ... I have known that there are some "treatment resistant" people, but also that... there's a chance for everybody: It may take even many years, but if you keep trying and searching for the right method for you and/or searching for the right person (therapist), then you may keep the hope to get better. You may see your refusal to accept feeling bad as a motivation to "do something", to try, to keep hoping, ...

I can understand how suicide may seem tempting in such a situation . (I was in a much less serious situation and felt suicidal anyway, so...) But remember the talks with the two people you had just the day (some weeks ago) when you "decided to kill yourself"! Remember the feelings you had after hearing their words and after deciding to live. (You have it posted on your blog, so it's easy to recall .) I know that in that time, the ECT was your hope and now it seems that it failed, but there are still also other methods - you've mentioned DBT, for instance. You can never know what will help you, so it's better to give it a try.

Maybe there's a way to "accept feeling bad". I don't know if this is really something one has to do, but... if yes, then I imagine that the problem why you can't do it yet is due to your misunderstanding of the principle of this particular acceptance: I suppose it doesn't mean that you "take it as an unchangeable fact"! "Acceptance" can have several forms. Maybe your current form of refusal of your feelings/situation is really not "the right one" and maybe you really need some kind of acceptance to be prepared to get better. For instance: If you harm yourself, it's sometimes a kind of refusal of the acceptance of your current feelings: You chose physical suffering instead of the current feelings. That might be seen as a "wrong" refusal of your feelings, as a lack of one kind of acceptance.

I wish you the best of luck!!

Hugs,

L.

[IrmaJean]

Hello again, Amy.

It's like I have everything set up for me and I AM FAILING.

I hear your frustration and disappointment. I hope you can treat yourself with kindness and compassion. This is hard for you, and you are doing the best you can to be well again.

My psychologists have been saying 'practice radical acceptance' but I just can't except feeling bad! I'm meant to accept feeling bad?!

I've been practicing over the past year or so sitting with painful feelings. Allowing them, listening to them, offering less resistance...It's very challenging. I think the idea being that if you allow pain without fear, you may then find the strength to let it go. It has less weight on you and it can't keep you down. You don't spend as much time trying to avoid it and can then live a freer life. That is not to say allowing the pain to drown you, but accepting that pain happens sometimes, and we can pick ourselves back up and move forward. I don't know if this fits for you or not. I think that everyone is different and will respond differently. Have you tried many different types of therapy?

The depression is so deep. I've seriously never felt so low before. I don't know how it can get worse before it gets better. I feel physically sick' date=' nauseous, dizzy... [/font']

I can't put it in to words even. I just feel myself shutting down physically and mentally more and more all the time.

I'm sorry you hurt so much. Does anything bring you moments of relief? Music? Reading? Are you able to connect with parts of yourself that are loving and kind? This helps me a lot. I don't know what might work for you. I hope you feel relief soon, Amy. I'm thinking of you.