Addicted to pornography since 6 yrs old help me

[rachel]

My parents never educated me about sexuality.

With six years I discovered porn when I was going through things of my father, and I found a magazine. From that day, every day I picked up the magazine, and was hidden looking.

Somehow my father thought my cousin took the magazines, and hid.

After a while, I started to masturbate. I did not know it was wrong, because only

was six years old. My mother and my sister often caught me doing it, and my mother thought I was sick. She thought I had urinary tract infection. During the next four years, she took me to all kinds of doctors who had in the hospital plan. Never found anything. Because this was not what I had .. I continued to masturbate even more. Up lying next to my grandmother,

watching cartoons on television. At school, in full gang first grade, I was there masturbating while my colleagues were making the duties. At twelve, I started watching porn on the internet, just read erotic stories. I had no experience with this, so do not put out the history and my mom found out. Went weeks without talking to me. Then I stopped.

Even with all this, it could have taken my innocence, I played with dolls

to fifteen years. My friends were dating and I at home changing diapers dolls

cloth. My father hated it, much embarrassed me in front of my friends who put

all my dolls in the trash. My parents divorced and I moved with my mother.

Spend almost the whole day alone, and this has made my addiction back.

I do not think it's something I need to do, but it is an outlet for my boredom.

Instead of drawing, reading, I masturbate. I can not entertain the thought and go do

else, if I do not masturbate when I feel like I'm angry all day.

Currently, I'm 17 and I masturbate every day.

At least three times per day. And I see a lot of pornography. A lot.

I think on average about eight watch porn per night.

I no longer feel guilty as before, because I think this is normal.

But would like to know the opinion of you, if this is normal.

I was not raped by my father, nor had any experience with sex unless pornography.

So why was six years old I had this addiction?

If I was an innocent child who had no knowledge about sex, nor knew as was a penis, why only have seen those magazines, developed this "sexual appetite" almost uncontrollable that lasted eleven?

After my thirteen years old, I started to hate sex. But still watching. But keep hating. It is a sick and disgusting thing. And the only thing I can think of when I watch porn is: "I want these people to die".

Ironic, because I masturbate seeing them ..

I hate men, all of them. And boys in general.

I'm sick of boys. Never even kissed a cheek.

When I lived with my father, my room was next to him. And every night I could not sleep because they made too much noise when fucked (sorry by the word). Up an excuse and came to live with my mother. I was disgusted with my father, I hate him for that. I can not even look at his face over so disgusted. He does not know it ..

What do you think ? I'm mentally sick? Or just retarded?

I greatly appreciate for who answer, I'm very confused.

[finding my way]

Is there any chance you can see a therapist, Rachel? How have your friendships been? Are there things you would like to do in life? A therapist could help you work through some of these thought patterns and start you on a path to making new connections to yourself and to the world.

[rachel]

I can, but I do not know if I'll have the courage to tell these things to a stranger face to face. It is difficult. I only have one friend, but never talked about it with him.

Well as things I like to do in life? Hobbies, or jobs?

Thanks for the answer

[finding my way]

I hear you that telling these things to a therapist sounds very difficult. And it doesn't always work out that a therapist is a good match, so that can be tough too. It can be worth trying though, because good therapy can really help. You can get around to exploring what you really want in life and how you want to relate to people and to yourself. All of us get stuck sometimes.

Hobbies and jobs, what do you like to do, what would you like to try?

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[LaLa]

Hello, Rachel, welcome !

I have some ideas that occurred to me reading your text, it probably won't be very "organized" :

- The biggest problem wasn't what you started to do as a child (although I have to say that in my opinion, your parents/father has done some really big, ugly mistakes even by letting such magazines somewhere were it was possible for you to find them, by "being so loud" (how disgusting!) when you were in the neighboring room, and later also by letting you use the internet without strict restrictions! It was their responsibility to protect you from what you weren't psychologically prepared for (ANY child isn't! From what I've read, it can cause also quite a deep trauma to some...)). The biggest problem it the reaction of your parents when they've find out. I can imagine such situation wouldn't be easy for almost anybody, but they didn't even try! They didn't help you at all (they should have consulted a professional, nobody is supposed to know how to cope in every situation when raising a child, but seeking help is possible!) and a helpful approach was what you needed. So... don't blame yourself for being somehow strange or perverted. It's the result of inappropriate exposure to something that you couldn't "process" and understand and cope with "appropriately" and then of lack of help and - what's worse - also of very bad reactions (as not talking to you at all, punishing you by less attention, no love - instead of the opposite - talking to you, explain, ... and show you they love you as you are, regardless of the trouble you were in (-here I mean mainly turning it into addiction)- they would guide you "out", or at least let somebody else to guide you.)

- I've read recently that most children raised since birth in institutional care (-outside a family) very often and very young find this way of procuring pleasure for themselves as they are so deprived of love and human contacts. And they also do it often (although I don't know for how many years and what are the consequences). So it occurred to me that you perhaps (and from how you described your family, it seems very probable) also lacked this essential signs of love and care and the reasons why this was so appealing to you were similar to theirs.

- It seems you wonder about sexuality of "such a little child". Well, it's well known that it's something present in most children since very young age (then there is a stage when it attenuates, then it becomes even more powerful, but in another form, ... - but if there is a problem "on the way" (as in your case - the wrong reactions of your parents), it turns out differently and can become too complicated and result in problems as yours - addiction, hate of sex and even men, ...). Maybe it would be a good thing for you to read some psychological works about these issues. Not just opinions of people on the web, but serious professionals. Maybe Wikipedia would be a place to start.

I have to go now and I see somebody posted while I was writing, so do know my post isn't reflecting what was written above it .

Take care!

[rachel]

I hear you that telling these things to a therapist sounds very difficult. And it doesn't always work out that a therapist is a good match, so that can be tough too. It can be worth trying though, because good therapy can really help. You can get around to exploring what you really want in life and how you want to relate to people and to yourself. All of us get stuck sometimes.

Hobbies and jobs, what do you like to do, what would you like to try?

I love play piano, it's a thing who makes me so calm. That's a beautiful thing you know, you make music with your hands.

I actually don't do nothing, just writing and draw.

I'm getting ready to go to college, I will attend Law.

I am ashamed to talk about these things with a person. Never said it to anyone. So, I guess I will not seek psychological help. It's hard to deal with it alone for eleven years, but I do what I can to not let me down. Just get confused sometimes, it seems like I could be someone better. And I could. But I like me just the way I am.

Thanks for the answer

[rachel]

Shadow, your thoughts made ​​me create daydreams for a long time.

I can control myself, but deep down I do not want. I like doing it, is something I have to do, if I don't, I wish play Russian Roulette in the head of my relatives.

Since childhood I wonder why I do it. But I keep doing because I like it. I wish it was not so ugly to look at society, because I see people rubbing on the street. And a person being home alone masturbating is wrong? I do not think so.

I never wanted to have sex with my father. That sounds so weird. But yes, I hated hearing them having sex, but I masturbated that day. Several times.

But I felt pressured by my head, that I was doing something wrong, and they were doing something wrong. So I decided to leave. Now it's easier for me, I can all the time if I want.

Thanks a lot for the answer, so criative and clear to read.

[rachel]

Hey Lala3, thank you

Yeah, I know, my parents did not deserve to have children. They were not created with love, and did not know how to raise children. My sister also masturbated, but they only bother to judge me and punishing me. They pretended they did not know what she was doing well. I was an odd child, no friends because I was always afraid of people. Over time I became tuned with reality. Now I'm more sociable, more.

It never really established a love life at home with the family. There were always fights and more fights, my father is an asshole, and my mother a fool.

I loved her too much and she only complained because of this, she said I was like a shadow and does not let her breathe.

I grew up and realized it was not worth loving anyone. So I can not tell if I love my parents. Maybe I like them a little, maybe.

But life is just like that, an hour it falls another rises.

Thanks a lot for helping me to confirm that I'm not sick.

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Shadow Self

[LaLa]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

I'm sorry we gave you this impression and I'm very sorry that you deleted your posts ... It was probably my fault, at least to a considerable extent. So I can at least mention now that I really didn't want to make you leave. But it's your desision and if you don't feel well here, then it's logical that you decided to go. However, it's a shame that your insights are gone with you. Take care.