Sexual abuse

[tonytony]

When I was around 5 or so, I think I was molested by my cousin. I know that I was molested but I'm not absolutely sure who but I remember it being my 15 year old cousin. It happened at a very early age and I only have faint memories of it. I remember a bathroom door and I remember him instructing me how to perform oral sex and I remember feeling pleasure. The memory is so faint it is really hard to remember. Sometimes I get frustrated because I can't remember exactly what happened.

I didn't talk about the incident to anyone for a while because i didn't know it was wrong. After a year or so I remember talking about the incident in the kitchen of my grandpa's house when there were several family members there. I said something to my cousin like "remember when you had me suck on..." I finished that sentence and I'm not sure who all heard me but I think pretty much everyone did. My parents did for sure because I remember my dad bringing up what I said several years later. He told me to tell him if anything like that happened to me again. By this time I knew what had happened was wrong and I was embarrassed by it, so I told him I just made that stuff up when I was little.

Needless to say it was very embarrassing for my cousin who was there at the time. I did not understand why everyone was acting so weird. I did not know what he did to me was wrong. It thought it was kind of funny. I remember talking about it to my sisters too and they were acting really weird too. They are a few years older than me. I didn't understand why everyone was acting so strange. This all happened at the same time at my grandpa's house. One of the things I remember most about this is two words that my sister said to me. "shut up". And I did, I never spoke about the abuse again. My parents also choose just ignore what I said and pretend that nothing happened.

I was touched again later when I was 7 or 8 years old by a fellow student. I allowed him to touch me because no one had ever told me not to have other people touch me. All I learned from my family was not to talk about things like that. No one said it was bad, it was just not to be talked about. As an adult it is easy to read between the lines, but as a kid this is all i understood. I never spoke to anyone about this either.

This had a very negative impact on me. I was dealing with homosexual feelings when I was growing up. My parents are Christians and religious and they thought that homosexuality was one of the greatest sins. Because I had all these intrusive homosexual feelings and thoughts, I thought I was very evil and that I was going to go to hell. It was scary.

During my teenage years I started to become sexually attracted to older men. I don't have these attractions so much anymore but sometimes I just have random fantasy about older men.

Needless to say I was very confused. I think that I started to develop sexual attractions to some of my closest friends. For some reason I was never able to keep long term friendships. I would grow close to a person and then suddenly break away and not hang out with that person. I had some signs of dependent personality disorder. I still really don't understand what was happening but I think I might have developed some attraction towards them and somehow that is why I separated myself from my closest friends. I was about 15 at this time and I still thought that homosexuality was something that was terrible.

As I got older and figured out what had happened I felt sad and angry at my parents for not doing anything. I felt like they choose to just not deal with me and just shut me up. Every since that one day I talked about what happened between me and my cousin, I always felt like i was a problem. Like, if I wasn't in the family, then things would have been better. If they would have just had a talk with me about what happened it would have helped me so much.

This was all on my mom's side of my family. It wasn't till I was about 22 that I learned that my Grandpa molested my sister. My sister had all kinds of problems growing up. She got addicted to meth and a lot of bad things happened to her and to the rest of my immediate family. My grandpa was the last person you would expect to do something like this. He loved his kids very much and my mom especially. I dare to say that he was a good person despite what happened. He helped out the family when anyone was in financial trouble. It still baffles me. It was painful for me to watch my mom's reaction when my sister told her what happened to her. She was never quite the same after my sister told her about her molestation.

Now I have been dealing with intense pornography addiction and depression. I feel like I do not know who I am. I'm not good at talking to women and sometimes I get really lonely and depressed.

Thanks to anyone that took the time and read this.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, Tony.

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. I'm sorry you received no support from your family. Your feelings matter and you deserve to have a voice in this. We're listening.

Have you ever spoken with a professional about your experiences and feelings?

[LaLa]

Hello, Tony, and welcome!

One of my first thoughts provoked by your post is: All parents should read as a (very well presented!) example of how deeply bad effects it has when parents ignore such situations and think that silence and pretending (that nothing happened, that they have not heard, ...) can be "a solution". I know it was difficult for them and it would be even more to try to help you by a reasonable talk/explanation, but that can't be compared to how difficult it has been for you - not so much in that particular situation, but, as you describe, later during your life, when it has developed to a much complex problem.

(It also reminds me of "a case" in a great TV series about psychotherapy - In treatment - it was about an old man (called Walter) whose older brother died when he was a kid and his parents didn't talk about it and forbade him to talk or cry about it and even though he didn't realize then that it was a very bad, "unhealthy" attitude, he developed psychosomatic problems troubling him even until the old age - until the therapist has helped him... I'm mentioning it also because it's a good example, although "only" from a fiction (but very realistic!) series, that it's possible to heal even such old wounds (which don't seem "too big", but have had deep impacts anyway) to such extent that one gets rid of (many or most of) their consequences.)

Not to mention that "atmosphere of fear" that you're a bad sinner and deserve to be punished... You probably already know that this usually only fuels unwanted "sinful" fantasies and can turn into OCD. (I don't say you have OCD, I only recognize a possible pattern - that knowing what your parents thought about homosexuality might reinforce some of your fantasies as well as (obviously) your feelings of guilt due to them.)

I'm not surprised you're now dealing with the problems you've described . But having said that, I am also sure that working in therapy and processing your childhood traumas (and their further "growth" in you) would help you to overcome your depression and addiction, as well as improve your socialization and your ability to build relationships! (Yes; your traumas might appear small (/not serious "enough") to you when you compare them to many different terrible things that happened to some (many ) other people, but that doesn't mean at all that they would be less important, less susceptible to damage your life, or not worthy to treat!)

What do you think?

Good luck and take care!

[tonytony]

Hi, thanks for your replies.

I want to seek treatment, but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I just finishing up with college so I have some debt I have to deal with.

I think sexual abuse at a very early age has a huge impact on who I am and I have been experiencing. This is perhaps the earliest memory I have when I was young. It's weird that our brain remembers only certain things.

A bad thing about being abused at such a young age is that I don't remember when there was a time that I wasn't abused. Sometimes I think about what my life would have been if I wasn't abused. There was a lot of pain and confusion when I was growing up. Maybe I would have been extroverted and outgoing. As it is now, I am very lonely and anti social. I think about a lot of things like this.

Thanks for your suggestions. Getting treatment is on my to do list. Maybe if I get help I will be able to overcome some things that I am dealing with.