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Bringing people down


nathan
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I was invited to my brothers, who i Havn't seen for years. He's been successful in a number of ways, his friends which were there form a trio, they all went to university in arts and television, now the're working with big companies in hollywood, creating films, and, making music. I went to try an see what it was all about, they were having a family party, brothers, sisters, parents, music, a plethora of food, beautiful girls, it was nice. I envied all of them. their families are happy, and swelled up in their kids success. And you can see that they are successful, full of life, joking around, intelligent, confident, like they never did anything wrong in their lives. Watching them parade around was like listening to the best part of a song. I can try to descibe it as the part of a song that seems to bring out a feeling of an entirely, honest joy, that puts all of your hangups and anxieties about the world to shame--it so good and beautiful, that it makes you almost automaticaly differentiate yourself as something hideous and ugly in comparison to it.

I began to feel ashamed of myself, seeing how i didnt belong there, I had nothing to contribute, nothing to say about anything to anyone, I couldnt joke around becuase I am underdeveloped, I would take jokes to far, accidently begin to cus infront of them. Or worse, to hide myself, I might mumble my uninteresting words. I didnt know anything about the music they were talking about nor anything about the popular culture they brought up. The last couple of years, time has been spent depressed, learning about math and physics, working for the army and seeing my gf whos now dumped me, or otherwise being alone and not sleeping. I am basically unsuccessful, or not outstanding in anyway in any of my current preocupations, and have made essentially nothing of myself.

I dont know if it was just the percocets I was on, which my doc gave me for a slightly broken but very painful wrist, but one of my brothers friends, one from the trio, appeared be calling me out, almost making explicit how depressed I looked, and how I was bringing everyone else down. I really didnt know how to react to this, the reaction of my unadvantaged container was to produce intense anger and I began seeing blood. Having to withold all this anger, I began to attempt to defend myself, trying to explain that I was feeling a little tired and I just came out to see how they were doing.

for the rest of the time I remained thinking about how someone, within an hour and a half of knowing me, goes about labeling me a depressed bastered infecting everyone around me. Perhaps i missconstrude the whole incident, and it was a mere joke on me, not to be taken seriously.

Eitherway I was set in place, I did not recover, I merely tried not to show anger.

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hey nathan.

i know what you mean about being somewhere and feeling like the only one who's missed the train (of life), while everyone else is just enjoying their lives, marriages, kids, etc..

i commend you for your restraint.

i hope your future is better than your past and present.

take care.

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Its just that...none of it feels right. My life doesnt make sense. how could things line up so poorly. Many occasions have passed where I watched--as if I was helpess to change anything-- as things went wrong, they didnt go as they were supposed to go, its as if I knew intuitively that deep down somewhere they should have been different. I could swear they were different somewhere else. Almost like I had already lived it the way it was supposed to be lived. But I'm always looking in at my life from the outside..as if it was a virtually reality, as if I am watching through a television, and I cant change anything, as I watch passively, or as if under someone else's control, I dont react, Or I react according to someone elses influence. Ive had that eary feeling chasing my entire life, as long as I can remember, following me along.

I dont know who, are what it is, but being under someone elses control, or watching my life as if it was a television show has destroyed me, it took away all of my chances, all of my opportunities have been wasted. It has instilled fear and hate and depression in me. I resent my life. I havnt done anything, I was never here. Maybe I am just negating my own existence and influence in my life as a defence mechanism to explain my failures and protect my true character.

My true character is maybe nothing, with nothing to offer, nothing to do, no mission, no ideas, no power, no ability to be anything other than nothing, aside from the great ability to be completely discontent with my circumstances.

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