Well Im still not sure I have childhood trauma. I mean it wasnt that bad. Some children have so much bad childhood than me.

I see. There are almost always people who "have it worse", it's tragic. And I suppose it has advantages not to think of yourself as "a victim of trauma". But ignoring / denying the trauma makes you feel responsible for things you aren't responsible for and also prevents you from full understanding of your problems which is often essential for healthy coping with them. Admitting "I was traumatized" doesn't mean saying "I'm damaged, I'm doomed, I can't be normal, ..." It offers you a way to understand better your life, your problems, ... 

I think the problem is with the word itself: We (or some of us, me in the past included) have often the tendency to think it means that "something horrible happened" (rape, war, crime, ...). But it has a broader meaning; it includes also living in some almost continual distress (no matter what caused  it - fighting parents as well as their financial problems affecting the family (by feelings of insecurity, powerlessness, ...) are certainly a real cause of distress!), mistreatment, and psychological and emotional abuse, even if it's "mild" (but long-term and done by important people like parents). I know I'm not an authority, so my opinion isn't decisive, but I'm really convinced that your parents have an abusive style of parenting  . And their behaviour towards themselves (as a couple) would traumatize anybody living with them in one flat! ... I have to say it feels bad to picture you your family and childhood (and even adolescence and present!) as "traumatizing" - it surely isn't something "easy to hear" and I may seem like having a kind of pity (for you) that most people don't want to be "recipients" of. But I'm writing it because I believe that healing, self-discovery, and creation of a better, more realist self-image necessitates also stoping the denial of the trauma that has been hidden / unconscious so far. I don't say you experienced "the worst trauma possible", of course. But the fact that it could have been much worse doesn't make it "good enough". By comparing it like this (with those who had it worse), you're in fact ignoring the impacts that it had on you and/or you're blaming yourself for being "so much" impacted (thinking "you should have not, because others etc..."). I'm mostly afraid of the blaming...

BTW, it reminded me of this (I posted it already one somewhere):

Quote

Horney believed neurosis to be a continuous process—with neuroses commonly occurring sporadically in one's lifetime. This was in contrast to the opinions of her contemporaries who believed neurosis was, like more severe mental conditions, a negative malfunction of the mind in response to external stimuli, such as bereavement, divorce or negative experiences during childhood and adolescence.

Horney believed these stimuli to be less important, except for influences during childhood. Rather, she placed significant emphasis on parental indifference towards the child, believing that a child's perception of events, as opposed to the parent's intentions, is the key to understanding a person's neurosis. For instance, a child might feel a lack of warmth and affection should a parent make fun of the child's feelings. The parent may also casually neglect to fulfill promises, which in turn could have a detrimental effect on the child's mental state.

It's not literally about "trauma", but the principle is useful here, too; the perception of the child is the most important and the impacts that the parenting had on the child, too. The child doesn't know that what the parents are doing is "wrong" - that's, in fact, probably the biggest problem (in the early childhood): The child internalizes how the parents treat him as "normal" and as "what I deserve" and doesn't question them. It's hard to get rid of these learned perceptions even in adulthood, even when one already knows and understands it rationally; it's still somehow "in the brain" in the form of emotional reactions, feelings towards one-self, "automatic thinking" (like self-judging/blaming), ... 

If you prefer it, you may skip the word "trauma" and use rather longer descriptions (than one word). The key is to acknowledge (and "explore" for better understanding) the strong harming influences of the relationships your parents have had to you, themselves, your brother, and possibly others.

Take care!

(P.S.: It may take me some time, as usual, to write to you by e-mail...)

good to hear from you, andromeda. sorry it's under somewhat negative circumstances. anyway, i hope your procedure (should you decide to go for it) goes smoothly (which it should). and good luck on your exams.

and lala;

On Friday, April 08, 2016 at 8:53 PM, LaLa said:

... I struggled with this, too (sorry, I won't provide details in this case  ... It's easier to write about one's husband ;-D!)...

... If you have some questions about the procedure (for my husband), just ask (here or by e-mail).

lol.

(Just to clarify - I'm not sure if it was obvious from my post: I have no experience with this procedure (or any "other/similar" gastroscopy); the mentioned struggle was with something different. And yes; I wrote it like that for fun . It's not at all frequent that something funny occurs to me when I'm writing on these forums, so I took advantage of the opportunity.)

i see. thanks for making me/us laugh .

Everything is  stressful and falling apart these days. I need rest, but even if I dont do anything important I still feel I cant breath and my muscles feel tense

(((A)))  Thinking of you and wishing you well... 

-

How are you doing, A?

Sorry for not being in touch more often  . Still thinking of you a lot... 

so did you have the procedure, andromeda? if you did, i hope all is well.

btw, is 'esophagogastroduodenoscopy' a word or a sentence?

take care.

I had some good days in the park with my friends, because weather was sunny. But well everything is back as ususal- problems with money,fights. I lost one chance to pass exams from last year, because I didnt have the money. So I dont think I will graduate this year.   I feel like I disappoint everybody that knows me,like always. I hope that I will have one last chance in end of June, but Im not sure.
In one of your post Lala you said about that Im not accepting that I have  childhood trauma and you are right that I feel guilty and Im blaming myself, I feel bad about things that happened to me, because I really dont feel like they are worth to even mention. I just dont want to look like someone who wants attention for unimportant things. Maybe I was wrong ? And well I dont want people to pity me too or to be angry at me for bothering them. Its so hard to accept that fault is not only mine and to accept that Im traumatized. Im trying to understand what you said, but its hard to feel like I have right to say that I felt scared and hurt so many times.

Maybe part of the problem to blame only myself is OCD. When I was kid I felt so guilty and I felt like I dont deserve good things and Im bad and not nice. I didnt know I have OCD. Later kids at school told me same things and I know this was just bulling, but it hurt a little. And now I feel hurt even if somebody makes me compliment. Because my first reacion is that this person is making fun of me and I dont feel it like real compliment

I cant stop blaming myself even now. I ruined even good memories in my life. I could have great vacantions with my aunt and grandmather, but I ( OCD ) ruined them. I always ruin everything

I will have procedure maybe end of May, because in univerity we have vacancion now and my freinds cant go with me. I think is a word but Im not sure.

I'm sorry I cannot be there with you and hug you in person and tell you that you can cry if you need, you can express your anger at the world, at the circumstances, ... (just not be angry at yourself)... And I'd love to tell you that "everything's gonna be alright"... I'd love you to believe it. But most of all, I wish it really will be alright, soon... *sigh*

It was (and is) not your fault that you didn't have the money for the exam! (BTW; are you sure you're not eligible for a scholarship for students in financial difficulties? I would check that...) I hope you'll find a way to manage these problems with exams well. And if not, then that you won't blame yourself. Will anybody be disappointed or angry by and at you? Probably your parents and possibly someone else. But what's the problem? Should you let them to hurt you by their feelings? Why does it matter so much what others think? Mainly; what your parents think and say?! They caused your increased vulnerability and they're constantly hurting you, although not in the same ways as some other parents treat their children (but even if they did much worse to you, you would probably feel and say the same about them as now; you would say it wasn't that bad and probably even that it was your own fault, as many (if not all) victims of, for instance, sexual abuse say and feel...  ). There's at least one thing good about growing up: You have a chance to start unlearning what your parents "stuck into your head"; you have a chance to think more complexly for yourself and figure out new ways on looking at thing and, mainly, at yourself. I know it's terribly hard  . I know it's better when you have a strong emotional help from a loving person who's with you, knows you well, and accepts you as you are. (But you have (so far at least) your friends from university and from this forum  .)

I understand that even a compliment can feel bad. (I used to be like that, too, to some smaller extent, for some other reasons. Now it's a bit weird when I remember some situations when, for instance (at university, in the lab), I gave an angry look at/to my supervisor (with whom I had a very good relationship!) when he said that I had my hair nicely done that day. It was even a bit hard not to cry "Shut up! Don't make up such things, it's humiliating!" at him, although rationally I knew he was just being nice to me.) The first steps towards healing are each time realizing what was your "gut reaction" based on and what was "the probable objective truth" (=the real intentions of the compliment).

BTW, are you eating well? I believe there are ways to have good, nutritious food that is not too expensive (don't forget about nuts, oily fish, ... "not only" about vitamins   ). I'm worried that perhaps you're menacing your health also by inadequate food, not only stress and trauma...

Hugs,

L.

How are you, A.? 

I didnt write because I didnt really know how I feel. Some days were great. I and my friends went to Science festival and was fun, but I cant stop feeling suicidal when Im alone. I dont know what I will do with exams. I dont know if my parents will be angry about them, but I feel guilty. If I pass them next year I have to pay for final exam 150 euro. I only waste money. I just feel like burden even to my friends. They know I dont have a lot money and sometimes they pay when we go to resturants or cinema.I understand that this means that they like me, but I still feel sometimes uncomfortable. Because Its like they give me so many things and Im not giving them anything.

Yesterday my mom went crazy and broke lots things at home. I guess not having money makes her have these kinds of crisis. One of my friend wanted to go to her apartament for the night, but I didnt want to bother everybody with my problems.

OCD is back- not so worse like before, but still not nice feeling.

And like I said maybe everybody will be better without me.

I just cant

Did something happen, A.?  

You don't have to write - it's normal we sometimes don't feel like writing and sharing; I understand. But we're still here to listen.

Hugs,

L.

I just dont know what to do and everything seems so pointless. Im falling in depression again even if Im trying not to. I cant adapt to the world.

I hope you find a way to feel better Andromedia. Try to have a good summer, it will renew you. 

I'm sorry things are difficult right now, Andromeda. The environment you're living in at home does sound very stressful.

About your friends, there are many ways that we give and reveive. Maybe you give to them with your company? I think it's good to get out and have some fun. I'm glad you've had some brighter days too recently.

When you're alone and start to feel down, do you know what it is that you need? Or is it that you start to think a lot and then you begin to spiral?

I also hope you find the summer renewing.

This is my plan,sed. I want to find a job and not to live with my family. But for now cant. Even if I find a job it will be too expensive to get out even if I live with roommates. When I talked with my mother about that idea she said that I wont find job. Im really feeling insecure and talking on interview will be so difficult.

It's tough when the people we need support from the most in our lives aren't supportive. I hope you believe in yourself enough to know that you can find a job.

If you can't afford to move out and be on your own yet, maybe you might be able to take steps toward your goal if you save some of your wages?

It's frightening to take those first steps toward independence, but I think you might find that it feels good to be able to take care of yourself. All of us have moments of feeling insecure, I think...it's part of being human. I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

How is your health, A? 

Take care.

My health is not great, because my tooth is infected again and I have to pay more money.  And at home we have molds again and this is really uncomfortable. We tried to clean it, but it appears again. Most is in my room so the smell is bad even if I used to it.

By I had some not so bad days even if I had to study for exams. Im trying to be more in the park and trying not to overthink too much. Even if it is hard.

IJ you wrote

On 27.05.2016 г. at 11:14 AM, IrmaJean said:

When you're alone and start to feel down, do you know what it is that you need? Or is it that you start to think a lot and then you begin to spiral?

Well its different every time. Sometimes I think too much and start to worry to much and when I think about my situation I start to feel bad even suicidal. Sometimes I want somebody to just be near and tell me that things wont always be  like this. I know this is pathetic. I dont know why I want somebody close to me. I always was fine alone.I know things wont became perfect. I just want things to be bearable.

I'm sorry about the teeth and the reoccurring molds   ... I hope it will all be resolved soon...

3 hours ago, Andromeda said:

I know this is pathetic. I dont know why I want somebody close to me. I always was fine alone.I know things wont became perfect. I just want things to be bearable.

It's not pathetic at all, A.  . 

Being alone can be fine sometimes, but we all need someone close at least in some situations, at least "every now and then". I know, it would be easier if we didn't have this need, but it's a part of being human. Why would you judge it (negatively)? It also occurs to me that it's probably better to feel this need sometimes (even if it's painful because nobody is being there for you at that moment) than to become "cold and distant" as an extreme protection mechanism against loneliness. Like this, you keep your ability to enjoy the company of friends (when they are with you) and, in general, stay open to relationships which can, in future, bring some joy and comfort to your life...

I wish you so much that you feel very soon that your life is bearable.

Hugs,

L.

Maybe Im really too stressed.

Thanks for sharing, A. ...

And what about exercise? I know it needs energy and time, but... aren't the scientific findings persuasive? Can you get some exercise on fresh air?