We are rooting for you Andromeda! 

6 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

We are rooting for you Andromeda! 

(I've just learned a new English word!)

Well I dont like exercise, but maybe walking in the park is good idea. It helps sometimes to clear my mind.

I went in the park today. It was nice and I tried to write and tried not to focus on my problems.

But I started to cough a lot these days. I hope its just flu or cold, not from the molds in home.

I'm so glad you offered this "gift" to yourself: enjoy a walk in a park!! I hope you'll do it more often  .

I'm sorry about the cough  ... Can you do more against the molds? I know you've already tried, but it's usually hard and needs repeated efforts  . (Isn't there, in your flat, another room where you could sleep, without molds?)

Take care!

Well same as always I guess. I dont feel so bad. Im not depressed and I passed all my exams from this semester. Now I have to start studying for exams that I didnt pass last year. But I need rest before that. Im just angry that I will not graduate this year and I feel bad when I see my classemates from school. Some of them already graduate and even if Im trying not to-I feel bad. My friends from university are making plans for the future and I feel like Im depressing them, because Im depressed around them and Its like Im ruining their happines with my bad moods and anger. Its not their fault. But I cant pretend that Im fine.

My father wasnt in home last months, but now he will come to see us. My mother is in shock and she is crying, because she dont want he to come. Im ready for more fightings when he come.

Build on small success Andromeda. You passed exams and are not depressed. Enjoy the summer break!  

Maybe your friends want to be there for you during the difficult times as well as the good times? I know that I would. Are you able to get some space from the stress at home? Do you have any summer plans?

Great job on your exams! I agree about building on your successes. That is one way to increase both your confidence and your feelings of self efficacy.

Take care, Andromeda.

I dont have summer plans. Maybe going in park every day. I have never had real vacancion so I dont think I ever had plans for summer. Before I went to my grandmother house and it was great to watch stars. Because her house was in small city. I felt peacful. But since she died I stay only at home. The only thing that may happen is to go to prom ( I dont know if there is other english word, because its after finishing university), but Im not sure. I dont graduate this year. But my friends want me to go. I will see.

Walking (and perhaps also reading, listening to music, ...?) in a park every day is a nice summer plan . You don't need anything "special " to feel a little better.

Thinking of you, A. ...

Hugs,

L.

52 minutes ago, sedsed said:

Why don't you make plans, like a sleep over kind of thing with a friend? 

Yeah; spending a weekend with a friend in her parent's apartment sounds good, too  . But I wonder how much is this an american / "western culture" tradition because... we (my friends and me), for instance, have never done it. Probably because the majority of us (let's say; in the post-communist countries) live just in relatively small flats whereas in the US, for instance, most people have a family house, so more rooms/beds to share... Hm...

Well not in club. It will be more official in resturant with all my colleagues I have to find dress if I want to go and eveything will be expensive. I just dont want to waste a lot money and I dont feel I deserve to go. I mean if I wasnt fail maybe it will be a nice idea to go and talk with people, but now Im not so sure.

Yes Lala you are right. Here apartaments are really small.

I cant stop feeling guilty. I feel that after OCD I cant care for people that I love, I sometimes dont feel anything towards them. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I not able to care for others?

I was 4 days near the sea with my father and brother. It was kind of fun and I tried to relax a little. I went to the resturant with my colleagues and it was great night and it wasnt so expensive . After that I had 2 nice days with my friends. We went to one lake near my town. So not everything was bad. I needed something like this, because last month was awful, because my mother and father didnt stop to fight and my stress was too much.

And now my father is angry, because I dont have bachelor degree and he said I wasted his money. I know he is right about that. But I dont want every conversation he to remind me how I failed. I feel guilty enough.

Wow that last part is sad. Hope things get better.  

I'm so very glad to hear you had those nice days, A.!  

And I'm sorry about the attitude of your dad and his behaviour  He's not right! No education is a waist of time, even if you don't have a diploma. I know he's only thinking of practical life, but I hope it will bring some practical benefit also, one day.

Take care!

It's wonderful that you had some pleasant days and good times, Andromeda.

I agree with LaLa that no education is a waste of money. Even if you didn’t attain what you hoped for and wanted, you learned from the courses and the experience. I'm sorry your father said that. I'm sorry for the difficult feelings this brings up for you.

Wishing you more pleasant days and less stress. Take care, Andromeda.

I dont feel so bad or something, but I find in my country there isnt suicide hotline. This is so stupid

There really isn't? Oh, that's too bad  . (And me, I was angry that our is not 24/7 and now I see that we should be even grateful that there is one, at least sometimes.) And another type of hotline for psychological problems?? (You can, of course, try that - it doesn't have to be specific for suicidal thoughts.)

-

Hi sed

I visited my aunt and I had some peacful and nice moments so Im fine. At least on surface everything looks normal. But well today I was tired and Im trying to study and not let depression to ruin it. Im scared, because last night I felt urge to self harm. I dont even know why. I mean everything is like always, there is no reason to feel it and like I said I had some happy moments.

I know that its better when I talk with somebody but Im always saying same things and why to bother people. I know you said that its not problem to repeat myself,but still is it right? Im mean my problems arent so important.

How are you sed?

Could the urge be a compulsion, Andromeda? What has helped you to cope in the past? You had a thought and you were aware of the thought and you did not act on it, which is positive.

It's great that you were able to have some peaceful and connective time with your Aunt. I hope you can visit with her again soon.

I often hear people express that they don't want to burden others with their struggles, but possibly the people who care about you would really want to stand by you and support you? If something is causing you distress and interfering with your life, it's important. I hear that you don’t feel your problems are important, but your feelings are valuable and they matter. You matter.

Take care of yourself, Andromeda.

Well morning was bad. Later my friends called me and we talked and Im little better for now and I went to walk in the park. I just dont feel like good person I feel like monster and so guilty. One part of me wants to say to my frients to see me and to understand that Im awful. Other part wants they to stay, but this is selfish.

I dont think its compulssion IJ. I wanted it.

I hope I'll write more soon (in some days?); so far at least a video (about love, but... it reminds me your problems with friendships, too  ):

OK; I finally may write more just now:

I'm very glad you had that nice week with your aunt!! I wish you to be able to spend more time with her...

I think waiting for self-love would be "counter-productive"; being with friends at least a bit helps you to feel better, along with bringing the negative feelings, so you should rather let them to have this positive influence and... perhaps after some time it would help you to believe that it's OK that they like you.

Perhaps you could send this video to your friends, perhaps ask them what they think, ... and profit from this occasion to explain that this is also the principle of the problem you have with them - except that you don't "demonize" / criticize them at all (for being "not good / normal", because they like you), you just feel still like an imposter, not liked for what you really are but for what they think you are, while you consider yourself "a monster"... 

"A monster" - such a strong word  . Why would you say that about yourself? What is so bad about you? Have you done something awful? Even many people who committed a crime couldn't me called a monster.

Does is help to understand that it's only a psychological illusion created by your family and your bullying class-mates?? Your opinion was formed under their influence and now it's poisoning your life. They won't come and change it, saying "we were wrong". It's up to you to find a way to see more clearly, to find a better image of yourself. Fortunately, friends can be helpful. But they can't do it for you  . (I think a good psychotherapist could, though... Yet, just with your cooperation, of course.)

I'm sorry I'm probably not much helpful. 

You also asked (elsewhere) how I was doing. Well; I'm objectively quite good, I, too, had some nice "experiences", ... but I'm still stuck in a stupid "almost self-destruction" (just by over-eating, nothing more serious; I just physically feel like "I'm going to explode", but it doesn't hurt), really not "founded / appropriate / ..." as I don't suffer or want to harm myself. I still haven't found a way to stop my compulsions, I'm like on a crazy autopilot without the possibility to "interfere with my reason". And... I can't even force myself to go to find some help - it's available, but... "my legs refuse to go there"... So... how can a person like me give any advise to you or anybody else???  That's one of the main reasons I don't feel like writing  ...

I know maybe its OCD, but when I think I may hurt them I feel like monster. Even if I know its just a urge and I dont want it. And who will want to stand by me in moments like that.