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Celebrating


Autognosy

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Today I was celebrating my name. My parents with which I don't have perfect relations, cared to call and wish me, my friends, people that I just know a little, some ex fellow students, an ex teacher that I couldn't possible believe would remember me, even an Italian internet person that I have spoken 10 times the most, cared to sent me a wishing message. My brother's 'soon to be' wife, also sent me a message. But my brother not.

All I can say is that he needs some serious psychological care, and I don't say it out of anger. He has a great deal of hate and willing for revenge in him. But he things he is the one who is right and has to panish everyone he can. He pretends or believes that I am guilty of something that I am not. And he pretends that he is somehow involved in it, that he is personally insulted by me. He told me that he won't talk to me again if I don't do what he believes I should, while insulting me with great verbal abuse some day. Of course, I can't change who I am, and I am a great person, treating as fair and respectfull as I can, to others and myself at the same time.

But now I won't go to his marriage because I appear to be unwanted by him and I don't deserve to be treated like the one that 'begs' for a seat in a wedding that is unwanted, like being the pourest lonliest relative.

I am not born to feel sorry for anybody. I used to get sorry for myself once, cause I used to bring everybody on top of me. Now I have got over it, plus I know that I am not born to feel sorry for anybody at all. So, his problem, is not mine to find out or to solve.

All I feel sorry for, is for his future wife who is a great person. I don't want to spoil her marriage, but I am not wanted there and to tell the truth, I don't belong there. I don't even want to go after all these crap.

I also believe that she should open her eyes before marrying him. She does not deserve it. And I really feel sorry for the unhappy kids he is going to raise. This hate/panishment attitude will fall on them and this is unfair :P

But again, it's not for me to care about. I have allready payed my stupidness for leaving myself aside, while caring for others.

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Auto, maybe we lost the information in cultural or language differences, but ... What is "celebrating your name"? Do you celebrate the anniversary of your christening, the day you were named?

I'm sorry about your brother's attitude, though I'm not sure what caused that, either. I tend to agree that you're not responsible for it, though.

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You are right, I don't know the right word to explain. Our church have saints. People are named after them. And there are several days of the year where a there is a celebration for every saint and of course all the people that are named after them.

My brother says I don't treat my parents well. I just stopped to give a sh** about their constand drama that has to do with...whatever. The bad my mobile or internet can cause me, the fact that I want to go for a walk after launch, or even my blouse is too open!! I stopped paying attention, but since my father yells at me, I even stopped staying in the room. There are several other problems too, one is that he yelled at me and then left me money. A friend said "this is his way to say sorry" but I don't want him to think that he can yell and then pay me and it's ok. So, I didn't call back to tell him "thanks", on purpose. Then one day I called my mom and he was yelling enough to hear him clearly that he is finished with me. Then for months my mom begged me to go to their home, so I went and when I did, he not even refused to kiss me, he even stepped aside to avoid my kiss. The same night, not having where to go, I was on the sofa with them, but put my i-pod in my ears. I didn't want to be there. Next day my brother accused me that I insult him with my attitude, given that he drove me there!!! (As if anybody makes you a favore you have to pay him with changing your way of thinking and feeling!!!). He even accused me that he respects all they have given him and did something in his life with these money, and I did nothing. He then yelled at me "you have no guts to have an attitude since you drink and eat with their money".

I have to say this is not true. They payed my schools, ok, but I live with governments money right now cause I got fired. And whenever my dad asks me if I need money I say no. He then leaves me money, so, it's something HE wants to do, right? But out of love is another thing, out of feeling guilty and then after paying me feeling free to yell at me again, it's another story, right? How can my brother accuse me for hurting them, when he don't even ask me how I feel to react like that?

Anyway, my bro had stood under the door, so I couldn't leave the room and when I told him not to yell, he said "I am going to yell at you as much as I want" and raised his voice. All I did was telling him "congradulations", meaning his treatment towards me and his bad words. And then I left my home. When my parents turned back, he told them that we quarelled (I only said with low voice congradulations, this is not a quarell, this is an 'attack'). And after a month that my mother bothered to call me she accused me that I owed them an explanation for leaving without saying a word.

I always believed that this evil creature tries systimatecally to make my parents get discased by me and he can't fool me anymore. Weakness after weakness in this relationship he puts his self in any whole he can and makes it bigger.

I don't care, I never fighted back, it's ridiculous. He can have all their appreciation or their money if that's what he is after. He can even say I am crazy in a hospital, to the relatives that will attend the wedding and ask him why I am not there.

But I can't or want to be there after that. I tried very much to fix my relationship with him the last year. The last chance I have given him was to call me in my celebration just pretend he wants to greet. I would understand then. I know how egoist he is, he'd never say sorry. I just left him one more chance to call, under the excuse that he wants to greet me. He hasn't called since the yelling. It's definately two months now we haven't spoken. If he remembers to call me near the date of the wedding, it will only be because he will want to avoid to get emparassed in front of the guests. But he had his chance. I am nobodies toy to forgive just because they need me.

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Well, you definitely managed to communicate that you're angry, Maria. :-)

And it sounds like you have a good reason to be.

The question is, what to do about being angry ... You could leave your brother alone, with the idea that it's his problem, to apologize. Or, you could talk to him when you're both calmer, and maybe try to understand what happened. It's possible that it's a misunderstanding, that he doesn't know some of the things that you've just told us. Of course, I guess it's possible that he's an "evil creature", too ... You're the one who knows him.

I guess the question is, how long do you need to stay angry for?

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Thank you malign for your responds!

Well, I am not that angry with him. I believe he is lost in his great mind, great world, great achievements, great egoist and great misleading that he put his life purposly. What do I mean by that?

My bro grew up in the same family as me. With the same difficult father. He has been accused for being a "dog for couch" and for being studying from my fathers money that my father earns for him, while leaving his health behind. He heard all the yellings of my father and all the tears of my mother. And he had to make something inside him to survive. So his choice was to continue taking his money and making him more sick, leave father to believe that it's ok to yell to others and in the same time bro was comfortable with the fact that he would not be yelled but he would be the boy that my father would be proud of. How he did that? He was always a very good student. Like my father. And that was a great power. If he managed to become like my father, he would gain his respect, love, peace and most of all, he could f**k the others like my father does. This kind of revenge was a great way to bring out all his oppressed anger. After all he managed to seem like a "second father"-so much he looks like him. So all his anger now is running out and I don't believe it's only the fact that he never let himself find justice about all the things happened in my family. I think that his anger and bitterness comes mostly from the fact that my bro accuses himself inside (without realising) that he let my father get sick by working just to get money to study, live, get a home and a car... This strungle of opposite things is so big and so painfull that he really tries not to leave it get out and see it in the eyes. And while doing it, he becomes more cruel to the people he can be cruel. That's me. He knew he couldn't be angry with my dad because he was powerful. He knew that instead of enemy he should take him with his part. He knew that to manage it he needed to work and become succesfull in his studies and job, but also I can see that he always tried to show himself as better than me. So whenever parents said an opinion to me, he would get in the middle and take their place "They are right! I don't need to go to a club to have fan, why do you need it? People would say you have nothing to do with your life". Whenever I forgot to do a job he would do it and then say out loud that "I did it!!!!" He never gets tired to fight with himself all the time. All this because it's painfull to know that his family sucks and he didn't have the power to do anything about it.

My father is a workaholic. He likes to work and then accuse us that he is sick because he works for us. I don't bite it. Years ago my father asked bro if he allows him to stop working with the result that bro would stop his studies because they wouldn't have so much money. Bro didn't speak. A week ago, I finally called my father after months of silence. And I told him that I don't need his money, I am responsible for my life. And he told me that this is his responsibility. I told him it's not, it's just an excuse he uses to block himself in a bad situation. But he wouldn't accept it. So, yes, I was right, the accusation was a fraud!

Bro believes all this crup that my father had fed him with. He accuses himself (and me) for being responsible for our fathers bad health and he hides that bitterness and turns it into power against others. He has developed a great amound of egoist around his body so nobody, not even himself, can reach his real hurting. And to feel better he has developed a honor around him, the honour that says "Yes, I let my father get sich for me to study, but I used it to become a great science, so step aside!" Of course, he fooled my parents with this attitude and you can see them that whatever bro says, this is a rule to them. The altimate true. But even if you fool the whole earth, can you real fool your inner self? Of course not. And that's his personal tragody!

This is the gift my parents gave to him to carry all his life.

Imagine now, talking to bro about all these stuff. Imagine talking to him about my way of thinking. The importand thing for him is not to bring down his castle. Whatever he will respond about my aproach to the family, will be only words to protect this castle. Because all the stuff he believes are so well hidden that even himself don't know them. He had made himself believe that he is not responsible for anything, and from the fact that he sticks to it so much, you can see he strungles so much for the opposite not to be proved! He doesn't even accept to hear anything bad about past bad times in the family where he knows he felt unprotected. If you tell him anything like that he says... "Dad is the perfect father. He never let us get hungry, he helped us study, he didn't play cards or chase other women, or abandon us". And refuses to see anything bad that has happened. He doesn't even talk about them, it is like never happened.

I believe that we should say things to others when they are ready to hear. Just say a clue and let the other search as deap as he wants. Otherwise, there is no meaning to do so. Everybody is responsible for HIS autognosy.

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When I read your post Maria I see a struggle between modernity and tradition. I think your father represents tradition, he and your brother see the man's role with those eyes from what I can tell. But you are modern, you hold modern values, you are a woman of the 21st century and they don't get that, it shakes them to the core of their manhood and threathens their power base. It is almost a clash of civilizations that is happening in your close family, it's no wonder that their are fireworks :-) I went through it with my father in the 70s. My father was from a traditional mindset, and I was a woman of my generation - peace and love man! Yep, it was difficult for some 20 years, but he came to appreciate my strength and independence of spirit and I came to appreciate his penchant for duty and leadership. So my advice is not to despair, keep up your positive attitude towards your life, and time will take care of many things, even if somethings it can take years...

I'm sorry you are put in that difficult predicament with regards to your brother's wedding ... it's the type of things that can leave a sour taste in our , so I hope it works out so that it is remembered as something pleasant for both you and your family....

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