Today, my therapist very bluntly told me that I will never have the father that I want, that I am living in a fantasy world, and that I need to accept that my father probably doesn't care about me.
I started off my being angry, and maybe hurt. It's as close as I've ever come to crying in therapy, but as I am processing everything now, I know that he's right.
Dad never wanted girls...he always told my sister and I that he wished we were boys. It made me feel worthless. When he paid any attention to me, it was either to insult me or to use me for his own agenda. I have realised that any time he's been nice to me, there were strings attached.
It pains me that I never had a strong and caring male figure in my life. This has of course caused me to crave attention from older men, which as one might imagine, can be dangerous if you're emotionally vulnerable like me.
I am trying very very hard to accept the fact that I will never have a strong male figure in my life, at least not in the way I want. The attention that I crave, I will never ever get. What I don't understand is how I am ever going to be ok with this? It hurts just thinking about it.
My therapist says that I am very strong and that I can handle this. I think that everyone has a breaking point and that I am very closing to reaching it.