Lately, I feel horrible. I haven't posted on this site in a long time because i don't even feel like i can post anything worthwhile in an attempt to help anyone. I can't even help myself. I am more and more depressed every day.
After 2.5 years of therapy 2-4 times a month, I finally trust my therapist. I've been opening up a lot to him and I've finally cried in therapy. It was such a weird feeling to be comfortable with it. It was one of the first times I really felt present in therapy. After I cried, he told me that he cared about me and didn't want anything bad happening to me. I was so shocked/stunned that all I could do was barely audibly whisper "thank you". I really never though he could care about me. I feel like no one can....like it's not worth it. What is there to care about? I am very unremarkable. I've never done anything worthwhile with my life. I'm as average as they come.
I don't make decisions for myself. they are all based off of other people's wants and needs. I got to thinking, the last several times my fiancé wanted to have sex, i didn't but i did so that he would feel good. I ended up feeling horrible. But it's not just sex. If he's hungry, I feed him...even if i'm exhausted or sick, I'll cook for him. I buy him things when i can't afford them. It's not just with him...my mother drives me crazy yet I bend over backwards for her. She's terrible to me. At work, I never refuse work even though I'm on the verge of taking stress leave.
I've lost all meaning. I don't care about anything i used to care about. Everything is falling apart. I hate everything about my life.
Yesterday at an office Christmas party, I downed an entire bottle of wine in 2 hours. I did it because i was depressed and angry. I feel shame today. I haven't binge drank in a year. I feel so sick today. The worst of it is I hadn't eaten much during the entire week...I was basically starving myself. I used to binge eat and i'm at a high risk to do it again, but it's been almost a year since I binge ate. Now that i have that under control, when i'm depressed, instead of eating I now don't eat. The other day i had convinced myself that i was not allowed to eat during the day...until at one point I looked in the mirror and thought "why am i doing this"?
I'm not suicidal. I just don't want to do anything but sleep right now. Christmas is coming, my favourite holiday, yet this year I don't care. I don't have much family, and I only see them once a year usually, and this year no one wants to get together. My fiancé just started intensive therapy to treat his depression. I am so alone right now.
My therapist is great. I am seeing him twice a week. He's on vacation for 2 weeks after next week. I am afraid...2 weeks is a long time not to see him....actually it will be more like 3 weeks. My stomach just sank. He tells me he is there for me, but i keep saying, he is only there for me for the few hours a week i pay him for. Otherwise I am completely alone and self-loathing, with no one who understands or cares. So I keep thinking, how will cope with the holidays when there is temptation to binge eat and binge drink? how will I cope with my stupid parents for Christmas dinner? Mom will get depressed after drinking too much and dad will start calling me fat after a few too many. My fiancé is in his own world right now...my friends don't really get it and are all too busy for me during the holidays. All this combined with not being able to reach my therpist for 2 weeks...it's freaking me out. Because I am losing hope that anything will get better. I'm in so much emotional pain. I can't deal. I cry all the time. I just have this horrible feeling that this is going to be one of the worst months of my life.