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Rock Bottom


Buttons

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Lately, I feel horrible. I haven't posted on this site in a long time because i don't even feel like i can post anything worthwhile in an attempt to help anyone. I can't even help myself. I am more and more depressed every day.

After 2.5 years of therapy 2-4 times a month, I finally trust my therapist. I've been opening up a lot to him and I've finally cried in therapy. It was such a weird feeling to be comfortable with it. It was one of the first times I really felt present in therapy. After I cried, he told me that he cared about me and didn't want anything bad happening to me. I was so shocked/stunned that all I could do was barely audibly whisper "thank you". I really never though he could care about me. I feel like no one can....like it's not worth it. What is there to care about? I am very unremarkable. I've never done anything worthwhile with my life. I'm as average as they come.

I don't make decisions for myself. they are all based off of other people's wants and needs. I got to thinking, the last several times my fiancé wanted to have sex, i didn't but i did so that he would feel good. I ended up feeling horrible. But it's not just sex. If he's hungry, I feed him...even if i'm exhausted or sick, I'll cook for him. I buy him things when i can't afford them. It's not just with him...my mother drives me crazy yet I bend over backwards for her. She's terrible to me. At work, I never refuse work even though I'm on the verge of taking stress leave.

I've lost all meaning. I don't care about anything i used to care about. Everything is falling apart. I hate everything about my life.

Yesterday at an office Christmas party, I downed an entire bottle of wine in 2 hours. I did it because i was depressed and angry. I feel shame today. I haven't binge drank in a year. I feel so sick today. The worst of it is I hadn't eaten much during the entire week...I was basically starving myself. I used to binge eat and i'm at a high risk to do it again, but it's been almost a year since I binge ate. Now that i have that under control, when i'm depressed, instead of eating I now don't eat. The other day i had convinced myself that i was not allowed to eat during the day...until at one point I looked in the mirror and thought "why am i doing this"?

I'm not suicidal. I just don't want to do anything but sleep right now. Christmas is coming, my favourite holiday, yet this year I don't care. I don't have much family, and I only see them once a year usually, and this year no one wants to get together. My fiancé just started intensive therapy to treat his depression. I am so alone right now.

My therapist is great. I am seeing him twice a week. He's on vacation for 2 weeks after next week. I am afraid...2 weeks is a long time not to see him....actually it will be more like 3 weeks. My stomach just sank. He tells me he is there for me, but i keep saying, he is only there for me for the few hours a week i pay him for. Otherwise I am completely alone and self-loathing, with no one who understands or cares. So I keep thinking, how will cope with the holidays when there is temptation to binge eat and binge drink? how will I cope with my stupid parents for Christmas dinner? Mom will get depressed after drinking too much and dad will start calling me fat after a few too many. My fiancé is in his own world right now...my friends don't really get it and are all too busy for me during the holidays. All this combined with not being able to reach my therpist for 2 weeks...it's freaking me out. Because I am losing hope that anything will get better. I'm in so much emotional pain. I can't deal. I cry all the time. I just have this horrible feeling that this is going to be one of the worst months of my life.

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Buttons,

I empathize with you feeling alone without your therapist for 2 - 3 weeks. I feel the same way. I am going to miss him terribly (well, I think so, it's complicated). I think I'll end up spending a bit more time on the forums here. To have some kind of meaningful connection. If you want to chat over the holidays, feel free.

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Hi, Buttons,

I'm so sorry you feel so badly... :)

I can relate to many of the feelings you describe, but I have the big chance that for me, these feelings are only occasional now, in the meantime, I'm quite fine. The way of living - for others, doing what they want from you - has been typical for me, too. But it seems I'm overcoming this in my therapy. (But now my bigger problem is that I can't find out what would I relly like to do myself...)

You're somehow right that your therapist is "there for you" only during your sessions, but... on the other hand, he's always "somewhere" and he always cares for you, not only when you're together. You can believe that. He would be "a robot" if he could stop carring when you leave his office :)! I know how hard it can be to have a break in therapy, mostly when you don't have supportive relatives aroud you :(... But you'll see, these sad weeks will be gone quite soon and you'll meet him again. You can post here more then usualy, it really can be helpful, people here are very supportive... Moreover, maybe the 3 weeks will not be as bad as you suppose. Maybe the clue is to realize that it depends on you, too, and to find out what could make you feel better, what could distract you. You mentioned your problem with eating. So... what about searching for some interesting recipies and cooking some new meals just "for fun" or "for distraction" and at the same time for a motivation to eat? What about reading books? Can't you escape from your life into ficion for a while? I don't say that this all will "make you happy", I'm not so naive. But I'm proposing an alternative to a passive and desperate waiting for the next session in January. Nobody can guarantee you won't have bad days during the holidays/the 3 weeks, but... I'm sure you can have some good ones if you'll allow yourself to have them :(.

How are you today?

Best wishes,

L.

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Thanks Athena, I think I will be on the forum more during the holidays.

LaLa3, you message cheered me up a lot this morning. You're right, my therapist doesn't just stop caring as soon as the session is over. He always cares, and that is very comforting to me.

I think we may be in a similar situation. I've gotten so used to just doing what everyone wants me to do, that now that my therapist is helping me focus on myself, I don't even know what I truely want. I don't even know myself! We were discussing this actually...he says it's a good sign if I don't know what I want. It means I'm starting to discover "me" and I'm recognizing how much influence people have over me and my decisions in life.

I am taking time off from work during the holidays so i will take your suggestions and try to pass the time by doing things I like. I like the cooking idea. I do like to cook and i do need to make sure i'm eating more.

Today I'm feeling better. I am relishing in my good mood actually...I'll take what I can get. But I had a fantastic week of therapy....two really productive sessions...so I think I'll be ok until January 4th.

Thanks again to you both.

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Thanks, Buttons, I feel also cheered up by your post - it's so nice to write something that somebody I care for see as helpful :).

he says it's a good sign if I don't know what I want. It means I'm starting to discover "me" and I'm recognizing how much influence people have over me and my decisions in life.

That sounds very optimistic - thanks!! :)

Athena: I had that feeling after many of my therapy sessions to the point where I almost thought I was "cured"

Oh, yes, I know this, too... It's weird that the feelings always disappear after some days, but it's anyway great that they even come/are there sometimes!!!

Have a nice day, both of you :)

L.

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