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Dos


malign

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I passed my two-year anniversary without realizing!

It's kind of interesting, being two. For one thing, now I have permission to be terrible! :-)

Life has come a long way, in that time. When I came here, I was fantasizing suicide, searching the internet for something to help me. Having searched repeatedly under "mental health", I changed it pretty much by accident to "mental help", and here we are.

My wife removed me from the house the following February, and after a scramble, I set up a life alone that I've managed to keep barely-working ever since.

And it's tempting to feel like I haven't moved at all, in the past year, even though I did have to change apartments. The divorce process essentially stalled, because I felt that it would be easier if she and I agreed, and of course we weren't likely to do that. I've only just resumed negotiations to either agree or end it, in the past few days.

But in fact, much more has been changing than that, only it has been behind the scenes. What has changed, gradually, is my own outlook. I now know why I live, though it's not something I can easily put into words. Some might call it a kind of faith, but it would be hard for me to describe what it's a faith in. I guess I just feel like I know where I'm going, as a human now, despite how long it has taken me to find that.

I'd call that "worth it".

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Yep yep – gratz on 2 years!!! :D

“Permission to be terrible”?! O noez! :eek: JK!

It sounds to me like you are surviving one day at a time and I admire that because it isn't easy by any stretch. It's good to hear you have a new outlook and that you know where you are going. I know you said it is difficult to put into words but mind sharing what you can put into words? I think it would inspirational to hear.

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Oh yeah, we're all here for a reason.

We just have to choose what that is. :-)

I guess that triggers me to try to answer Kaskade's question, too. The short answer is inspired by IrmaJean's avatar:

Do go towards the light! :-)

It's not as if we can avoid dying; the point is to make the living before that as "good" as possible.

Where did I find a direction? I ... looked inside.

I tried meditation. You don't have to burn incense or say "Om" or twist yourself into a pretzel. All you have to do is relax, breathe deeply, and silence your thoughts.

It didn't take me long before I felt ... a brightness, acceptance, comfort ... all coming from inside of me. Now, I have no reason to believe that I'm so unique; I assume that everyone has this place inside them, if they can reach it.

So far, it's easy to describe, and as far as I'm concerned, indisputable. I felt it, I can choose to feel it any time I need, I have complete faith in the experience without needing a reason or an explanation.

Of course, many people have felt it, and many have explained it, in different ways. Once felt, though, the explanation is secondary. We are all connected, we are all alive, we are all special, because of this place we have inside.

End of sermon. ;-)

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This is so very true, isn't it? Such beautiful thoughts, too. Maybe the place where you find the light inside is where pink and blue meet and balance. You have to be open to fully embracing yourself. I've felt the light inside of me as well. Cool. :D

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Hi, Mark, again. I read your blog 'anti-chronologically', so I'm here now. This is even more impressive. I had tears in my eyes while reading. Oh, they are here again. I just feel so bad. No light. No direction. I wanted to cut myself today, but I've never done this and am sure that I never would. But... today, I was thinking that maybe those who can cut themselves can cope better then me, because they only make scars, but me, I'm ruining my whole life... I'm sorry, it's so stupid to write this in someone-else's blog :-(... but you're an administrator, so you can delete it... I was considering, for a while, to write my own blog, but... I don't want to. I feel it as useless and have no drive to do it. I just want to be alone, all alone... just waiting for my therapist to save me. And he will not. He can't. I know it. Only I can save myself. But I have no clue...

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LaLa, I'm so sorry to hear how badly you're hurting, at the moment. It's not stupid to write it, wherever you can ...

What's the matter, my friend? Can you talk about it, at all?

I know lots of people here have felt your joys, and are more than ready to give some back. Please allow us to.

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Thank you, Mark. I'm better now. My moods can change quite quickly - it can be also an advantage ;-). I know I have to explain it, this previous hopeless post of mine. So I'll try. I'm going to install my anti-virus program now, and then I'll try to write you more about these days. Maybe in my own blog (?).

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So it's not complicated ;-) I just don't know why I can't see the "blog" cathegory on my profile. Is it because it's a private blog?

But the post is very long. And with some mistaked I noticed but didn't want to spend time correcting them as you're all used to my mistakes ;o)...

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