I'm sorry you hurt, Buttons Would going to a therapist help at all?

I do see a therapist...usually once a week, but as of late, twice a week, but he's one vacation right now. Therapy does help me a lot. It's just hard having very little support for 3 weeks while so much is going on in my life. Everything is falling apart. I think i'm having what you would call an "identity crisis". I realised recently that 90% of the decisions I make are based off of what other people want and not what I want, so I feel like I've completely screwed up my life. I'm in a career that I hate, I'm in a relationship that isn't working, and I have no common interests with my friends. I don't know who I am anymore.

Hello, Buttons,

Maybe you could write more about you in blogs to find out a bit more about yourself (?)... Which decisions did you make because of others? What whould you probably have done w/o their interference? Sometimes it's easier to find out such things while writing...

Buttons, I can sooooo relate, especially to your short comment above! I think things will get better after New Years. I plan to make 2011 a MUCH better year than 2010. If you feel like you've hit bottom, you have nowhere to go but up, right? When does your therapist come back?

LaLa3, True enough. That's not a bad idea at all. In the past, my therapist has envouraged me to write things down. I haven't in a while so it may be constructive.

Athena, my therapist is back January 4th and I have an appointment with him that afternoon. I feel like I don't know where to start when I see him. This always happens...I have so much to say but all I can focus on is how I need to budget my time wisely. I'm sure over thinking it like that is not helping me. I really do hope 2011 will be better. Things is, I have a lot to deal with this upcoming year. Maybe it would help if I elaborated a bit. I feel like I never tell people on the site a whole lot about me which isn't helping anyone. So I apologize if I go all over the place with this....

I've mentioned before that I have a strained relationship with my parents. I grew up in a home with a lot of tension...constant tension. My parents have manipulated each other for as long as I can remember. There was always a lot of anger between them. My earliest memory of this, and the moment I realised that mommy and daddy hated each other, was when I was around 7 years old. I was eating ice cream in the kitchen after dinner and they started arguing. I just remember it sending chills down my spine. I ran out of the kitchen and hid out in the hallway between the wall and the hallstand, curling up under myself. I know after the fight was over my mom came to find me to tell me everything was ok but I knew she was lying....she had tears in her eyes. From that day on, there were fights between them almost daily. I don’t know if this was new or if I just began to take notice. I would often get dragged into fights....being asked to take sides...basically a “who do you love more” situation. If I sided with my mom, my dad hated me, and vice versa. If I tried to stay out of it, they both hated me. I was like the “referee”. If I tried to step in, I got yelled at and told to mind my own business. Through all this, I was being manipulated. My mother played the victim and influenced me to hate my father. She got me on her side, and I barely talked to him throughout my childhood. He consequently treated me like dirt to get back at me, and to hurt my mother. He called me fat, piggy, asked me if I wanted a “pig trough” to eat out of. He called me a “wuss” and told me to “f-off” when he was mad. So I just drew away from him. The few times I tried to confront him, he blew up at me and made me feel terrible, like I was a bad person and that he was the victim. On the flip side, my mother would tell me all the intimate details about her relationship with my father...ranging from the fights they had, to their sex life (graphic depictions to me at a young age)...she would sometimes ask if I thought she was part of the problem in their relationship. I can remember the times I said “yes” and the reactions I’d get...she’d yell at me for hours...freaking out and crying and storming off and leaving me crying on the floor, only to come back and tell me to get off the floor and stop crying, just so she could berate me some more. Another issue with my mother is that she was overly affectionate. She’s always kissed me on the mouth which in some cultures is ok, but it’s weird for me. Especially since at a point, she started telling me that I was becoming “cheap” with my kisses a.k.a. not putting enough effort or time into them. Also, she encouraged nudity in the home. She made me feel bad for not wanting to be nude around her. This goes as far as getting upset and making me feel stupid when I could not use the washroom while she was in the room....which she did not like locked.

Through all this, I still trusted my mom with my life up until about 6 years ago. She manipulated me so bad...maybe it was the fear...I don’t know, but I just felt that whatever she said must be right. I also learned at a point to just “go with the flow” and try to please my parents as much as possible, because it would keep the peace. And starved for normal parental attention and nurturing, I did things that I hoped would make them proud, not based on what I wanted to do with my life.

The first example of pleasing others is with my career and schooling. I was taking a “scientific” path in high school...wanting to study psychology actually. I was getting my advanced math, science, English etc. But then, come time to apply, my parents expressed their disappointment in my choice, saying I would never amount to anything if I chose psychology. They told me to study business instead. So I changed my courses to applied, and went to college for my Business Administration Diploma. And I hated it. But I graduated. And I do have a good job. It pays very well, it’s secure, and I’m at a very high level for my age. But, I hate it. I can’t even describe how much it makes me hate my life. I read psychology text books in my spare time...yes, in my spare time. Even recently I told my father I wanted to go back to school for psychology or counselling, and he expressed disappointment.

Another example would be my fiancé. I’m dating him because he is the opposite of my parents. Which sometimes I think is what I need. Other times, I think , hey maybe I’m trying to fill the void left by my parents with my fiancé. And that’s not healthy. We have no sexual relationship. We haven’t in a long time, and it’s always been akward. I’ve never felt like a grown woman. We got engaged because everyone else in our circle of friends was doing it and we had been together the longest. Now I think sometimes that we should breakup, and i think, wow, my mom will be so mad at me if I do that.

Friends...I have no friends with common interests. Because I have not sought out friends with common interests. I just “go with the flow”...whatever everyone else wants to do, sure I want to do that...

So now, having realised that I am a people pleaser, I am telling myself that i will no longer do what other people want me to do, and just start doing only what I want to do. But now I’m confused. Because I can’t separate what is truly “me” and what “I” want, and what I have been lead to believe I want all these years. And even the things I know I came up with on my own...why do I want them? Am I trying to undo or compensate for something? I feel like I need to be extra careful with my decisions now. I feel very very vulnerable, with not too many people to turn to. I usually turn to my fiancé, but he is so depressed right now that I can’t rely on him, understandably.

So 2011....I hope it’s a good year, but I predict a mental breakdown for me, a break-up, a lot of fighting with my mother, and a new job (which is good, but stressful).....i think, and i know, that in the end, things will get better, but in the meantime I’m just having a hard time dealing with things right now. I have more pain inside me than I realised I could ever handle. In a sense I’m surprised at myself and that I have no completely fallen apart. I guess I’m stronger than I realise, just like my therapist says.

Buttons,

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. But it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of your problems, which is good. And it sounds like you have a good therapist too. I would never have been able to describe my situation in as much detail when I first went to a therapist at age 17/18, hence I gave up on it. The fact that you can communicate all this should give you a lot of hope.

Regarding not knowing where to start, I often have that problem (and I always have the fear of that problem just before my appointment). One time, I wrote five things down that I needed to talk about the night before and then slept on it. I had a very vivid dream relating to one of them, so that became an obvious choice for the next day's discussion.

Yes, actually, I guess I do have a pretty good grasp of the issues. That is something. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to write all that down. And yes, my therapist is great. I feel blessed to have found him, since I have friends who have had bad experiences with therapy. I wish I could recommend him to everyone I know.

That's an interesting idea. Especially since I often have vivid dreams relating to stresses in my life. I talk about them in therapy a lot, so I will have to try writing them down before bed. It's worth a shot....

Thank you for sharing your story... Yes, it really seems to me, too, that you're stronger then you realize... I was thinking about the long 'discussion' below Luna's blog 'Inadequate', where she, guided by Finding my way, analyzes herself. Have you read it? I recommend it to everybody! So and I was thinking while reading about you that you should acknowledge the part of you which tried so hard for so many years to please everybody, even though it was not 'optimal', she's done it for good, evident reasons and she's always been very good in this. Your childhood was very very hard and your defence mechanism was to become "a people pleaser". Look how good you've been in this role! Look how hard you've tried! Yes, now it's time to move on, to find your own desires (I see at least one - another job, but then also the study of psychology!), but you also should still acknowledge the person you have been; not just push her away with anger or hate. I hope, in you, there is no anger or hate towards yourself!

Have a good year!!

That's interesting to me. I can't say I've ever looked at it that way. And when I really think about it, I think that's kind of what my therapist has been trying to tell me...that I shouldn't be disapointed in myself, and my past, and who I am, because it was all necessary for my survival...and I am very strong to have gone through what I went through, and therefore I did well. So I do need to acknowledge that I played the role I had to play exceptionally well. Now I need to move on.

I did read Luna's entry just now...very interesting and it has given me some thoughts about what I can do to better understand my inner critic actually. Thanks for that LaLa3!

I'm glad that I could help a bit ...