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Head games



I've been playing head games with myself alot lately. Just trying to cope in a better fashion. My therapist is back from holidays, I think I'm out of antidepressant withdrawal (still get a bit dizzy though), I don't feel so "dumbed down". I'm getting some personal power back. Almost ready to send my complaint about the mediator to the law society. Sent my lawyer a follow up e-mail, after my e-mail to her a week ago asking for an update on worst case scenario should my ex push me into the court route. I will withhold paying her last bill until she answers me. For Christ's sake you work for ME lady, it's a reasonable question!

Every time he threatens me with court, as he has frequently since we separated, I cower, do SI, do something insane, let him see my weakness and generally do stuff that loses me more ground. Now I'm prepared to not react the next time he threatens. The tables have turned in the two and half years that he's been stalling for.

I think I'll call his bluff. Next time he says "See you in court" just because he doesn't get another piece of me, I'll turn into Clint - "Go ahead, MAKE MY DAY!" I'll threaten HIM with spousal support, he's got a good job now, I don't - quite the turn of events. He's a coward at heart, that will probably send him running with his tail between his legs. Yah, you try keeping it together for 2 1/2 years as your spouse threatens to take half your earnings while you do all the work!

If he wants access to my medical records to play the "then I'll fight to get child custody in order to manipulate you" game, then I'll say it's none of his business. If I lose that one, then fine, let's put my therapist on the witness stand - I think he'd be great - he knows there's not a chance in hell I would ever hurt my daughters. SI is my problem, not theirs. If I still lose because of some idiot judge, they can't take them away from me forever, just until I get the medical records to say "stable" - hell they probably already say that - I'll use the opportunity to enjoy the peace and quiet for a short time.

My daughters will refuse to live solely with him for long. Anyway, it's not like I won't see them at all. And he'll have a mighty hard time getting after school care for them at this point in the school year. Organizing child care for the summer. Taking them to choir, swimming, therapy, skiing, dentist, doctor, back up plans when they get sick. Yes, he'll be quite the busy Dad! No, no, it won't get that far. Far too inconvenient for him! And if he cancels all their activities, they'll hate him for it. Yah, that's a great way to earn your kids' respect, DEADBEAT!

So none of the above is really head games, just a change in attitude - I WILL NOT REACT to your threats! There's a new girl in town!

The real head games are - so who is it I'm trying to kill when I ponder jumping off the balcony? Well, it's obvious who I'd be better off without, but that's not an option. SI is just turning the anger inward. But I'd also be better off without a few troublesome folks residing in me. 1) The cowering victim, 2) the one who is so easily manipulated, 3) the one who doesn't stand up for herself, 4) the one who feels guilty all the time, 5) the one who is nervous and awkward, 6) the hopeless one, 7) the one who settles for second best. 8) the one who feels so harshly judged by others, 9) the one who judges herself harshly.

I've forgot a few folks but that's not a bad start. Then I'll allow the happy child some space to breathe. I'd prefer to just be a happy adult, but I don't think I can get there without being the happy child first.

I told my therapist about this new line of thinking today. I also said that I don't know if killing pieces of myself off is is a particularly helpful line of thinking but that I thought it was better than jumping off a 14 story balcony! I was surprised at his response - he actually thought it would be a very useful approach. Sure didn't see that one coming.

The other head game: Changing my profile picture depending on my mood. Last week it was "The Scream". This week it is "Athena". Finally living up to my name! Some day it will be "the happy child". I suspect the final one will be "the happy adult". I wonder what I'll look like by then. Already I look so different even from a year ago. Thinking of changing my name in real life. Becoming completely unrecognizable. My second life! Who needs to kill themselves when they get a "do over"?


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And who doesn't get a "do over", every day of their lives? :-)

In fact, if he says "see you in court", just skip the Dirty Harry bit and quietly say "okay", and nothing else. Far more frightening than counterthreats. ;-)

Another way to look at the "killing off parts of me" thing is that the parts with unproductive behaviors don't so much need to die as to be re-trained. They got started for a reason; maybe it's just that the reasons have changed. You're a grown-up now, and better able to care for yourself than you probably were when they formed. Perhaps they just need some modifications to their job?

But I agree that anything is better than a gravity-abbreviated flight. You might just find that "anything" is a huge improvement, in fact. :-)

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Hi Malign,

Thanks for your comments. You have certainly pointed out the "drama" in my post. It would probably be far less exhausting to tone down my actions a notch. "Acting out" comes with being "on the Borderline". I don't think I've had one normal, intelligent reaction to any of the multiple threats to my survival that I've had over the last few years. My ex is just one of many and I am I'll equipped to cope.

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Well, I wasn't finding fault, at all. You have every right to be angry, at him or at parts of yourself.

You get to decide what your response is to the anger, though. Sometimes, a mellower response just works better. For one thing, you keep the moral high ground ... Other times, it's more effective ("revenge is a dish best served cold", not that I recomment revenge.) And finally, isn't the ability to just walk away the ultimate victory?

If I were you, I wouldn't keep repeating the "borderline" label. Even assuming it's the right label ... it's possible that one could have a disorder (most of us here do, or have had) and still react "intelligently", as you put it. It's a matter of practice. You clearly are intelligent; you just have to be aware enough of the emotional reactions so that you keep them from overwhelming your response.

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All good points. I think the sweetest revenge is to get your act together, improve on everything, find the love of your life, and be who you were truly meant to be....without him!

I'm still at the awareness stage. Practice is quite a bit harder. Never learned how to verbalize things properly under stress I guess. Of course, how could I when I was simply left down the back stairs to just "scream it out"? Kind of a shame I'm learning this at such a late stage of life, but I suppose you should be happy with every day you have left.

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Yup, the best revenge is to relegate him to the level he deserves in your life.

"Kind of a shame ..." True, but I don't see a better idea. My Way-Back machine's been broken for some time now, and I think I'm further along than you are, on the age scale.

I'm teasing you. In some ways, I've been in a very similar boat ... All of us have stuff to re-learn, or learn for the first time. I'm glad you have someone you're working with successfully.

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I won't mention that a 38-year-old might not have known what a Way-Back machine was. ;-) I really loved the Professor and his boy, Sherman ...

I don't really want to go back, myself. I was ten years stupider ten years ago. I have only to point at my getting married at 40 for all the wrong reasons ...

"There is no time like the present." That tired saying goes so much deeper than we usually look.

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Ahhh - Rocky and Bullwinkle. Took me a while. Perhaps a show I should watch again?:). I thought you were dating yourself, but i must confess, I've also been around long enough to have watched it.

I was asleep 10 years ago. I just "woke up" a couple of years ago and saw some writing on the wall....

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