I've been playing head games with myself alot lately. Just trying to cope in a better fashion. My therapist is back from holidays, I think I'm out of antidepressant withdrawal (still get a bit dizzy though), I don't feel so "dumbed down". I'm getting some personal power back. Almost ready to send my complaint about the mediator to the law society. Sent my lawyer a follow up e-mail, after my e-mail to her a week ago asking for an update on worst case scenario should my ex push me into the court route. I will withhold paying her last bill until she answers me. For Christ's sake you work for ME lady, it's a reasonable question!

Every time he threatens me with court, as he has frequently since we separated, I cower, do SI, do something insane, let him see my weakness and generally do stuff that loses me more ground. Now I'm prepared to not react the next time he threatens. The tables have turned in the two and half years that he's been stalling for.

I think I'll call his bluff. Next time he says "See you in court" just because he doesn't get another piece of me, I'll turn into Clint - "Go ahead, MAKE MY DAY!" I'll threaten HIM with spousal support, he's got a good job now, I don't - quite the turn of events. He's a coward at heart, that will probably send him running with his tail between his legs. Yah, you try keeping it together for 2 1/2 years as your spouse threatens to take half your earnings while you do all the work!

If he wants access to my medical records to play the "then I'll fight to get child custody in order to manipulate you" game, then I'll say it's none of his business. If I lose that one, then fine, let's put my therapist on the witness stand - I think he'd be great - he knows there's not a chance in hell I would ever hurt my daughters. SI is my problem, not theirs. If I still lose because of some idiot judge, they can't take them away from me forever, just until I get the medical records to say "stable" - hell they probably already say that - I'll use the opportunity to enjoy the peace and quiet for a short time.

My daughters will refuse to live solely with him for long. Anyway, it's not like I won't see them at all. And he'll have a mighty hard time getting after school care for them at this point in the school year. Organizing child care for the summer. Taking them to choir, swimming, therapy, skiing, dentist, doctor, back up plans when they get sick. Yes, he'll be quite the busy Dad! No, no, it won't get that far. Far too inconvenient for him! And if he cancels all their activities, they'll hate him for it. Yah, that's a great way to earn your kids' respect, DEADBEAT!

So none of the above is really head games, just a change in attitude - I WILL NOT REACT to your threats! There's a new girl in town!

The real head games are - so who is it I'm trying to kill when I ponder jumping off the balcony? Well, it's obvious who I'd be better off without, but that's not an option. SI is just turning the anger inward. But I'd also be better off without a few troublesome folks residing in me. 1) The cowering victim, 2) the one who is so easily manipulated, 3) the one who doesn't stand up for herself, 4) the one who feels guilty all the time, 5) the one who is nervous and awkward, 6) the hopeless one, 7) the one who settles for second best. 8) the one who feels so harshly judged by others, 9) the one who judges herself harshly.

I've forgot a few folks but that's not a bad start. Then I'll allow the happy child some space to breathe. I'd prefer to just be a happy adult, but I don't think I can get there without being the happy child first.

I told my therapist about this new line of thinking today. I also said that I don't know if killing pieces of myself off is is a particularly helpful line of thinking but that I thought it was better than jumping off a 14 story balcony! I was surprised at his response - he actually thought it would be a very useful approach. Sure didn't see that one coming.

The other head game: Changing my profile picture depending on my mood. Last week it was "The Scream". This week it is "Athena". Finally living up to my name! Some day it will be "the happy child". I suspect the final one will be "the happy adult". I wonder what I'll look like by then. Already I look so different even from a year ago. Thinking of changing my name in real life. Becoming completely unrecognizable. My second life! Who needs to kill themselves when they get a "do over"?