Athena-

I hope you consider that you have support on these forums. I am sorry your ex sounds like such an asshole and I'm sorry you are having difficulty connecting with your children.

My mother died when I was five. Only recently did I put the pieces together and realize it was a suicide. At the time, my dad simply told me her heart stopped beating. He’s never offered further explanation. She was 26. The whole mess surrounding it is part of what’s been playing out in some of my nightmares lately. Even all these years later, even with my memories of what she was like so faded, it still hits me incredibly hard. I’ve always felt her missing. I’ve always wanted her back. I'd like to think nothing is so broken that it can't be fixed. I'd have her back even if she was broken.

Do take care. I hope venting at least temporarily takes the edge off for you.

Well, at least it slows my thoughts down so if anything good can come of thinking about it at all, it is more likely to happen while writing. I have watched this slow steady decline over the past year, everyithing just gets worse. The question is: Do I wait for the extrapolation or just skip all the torture?

Athena,

Extrapolations are fine in some cases in science, but they don't work when one's looking at a life! Life is so unpredictable and doesn't follow a linear dynamics. Please, don't take such "short-cuts" from the torture ... Nobody can promise you miracles, but positive changes are achievable. Therapy is a long process, but not "never-ending". I know it is frustrating not to see a progress, but... sometimes it's also because we can't see it's there. I remember several moment where your progress was visible . You're trying to reconnect with your children, you're creative in finding new ways of having pleasant moments with them, ... so your "post-partem depression" is not taking a complete control over you ;-)...

I'd love to show you a short-cut to a much better life, much better period of time, but... I can only offer you a little piece of support ... However, I'm not the only one and some pieces of support from your friend here and the support of your therapist could, to some extent, compensate for its lack in your home...