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"Anatomy of a Suicide" or "The other Way Out"


Athena

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I was going to go with just the first title but I leave open the possibility of an alternate ending. So here I sit thinking this conversation is coming about 30 years too late. Because my goal is to figure out and be able to commit to either one of the titles (my same wish in failed therapy thirty years ago) Frankly, right now I have a preference for the first one but there are simply too many obstacles. So I'm going to work on chipping away at them one at a time. So I think that may be a good place to start as one of them is related to me bothering to write this stuff down in the first place. But first, I will start with the one that is top of mind at the moment as I sit here with my kids who I so rarely see nowadays, and so rarely with any joy involved.

Obstacles

1. I have kids. That obviously leads to the guilt of leaving them with a monster and with nobody to protect them from him. Well, his sadism has affected me to the point where I hardly get to see them anyway. I am losing the bond, the maternal instinct. It's all just boiled down to: give them a decent chance in life in spite of their father doing everything in his power to destroy that chance. That pretty just boils down to wills, life insurance, therapists, and discovering and nurturing their talents in absentia. OK so maybe I have a bit of work to do on that. I kind of know what they are so it's just getting them to the point where they also know where their talents lie. Then I'll get an aunt or uncle to keep them involved in activities that will nurture them. Yes, the trustees of my will. Certainly can't count on ther "dad" to organize or pay for them.

So, is their life going to suck without a mother? Well, they've pretty much lost her anyway. I've ceased caring. They are just young, selfish, greedy smaller versions of their "dad" who come over and fight, yell and scream at each other incessantly then leave me with the mess and the fallout. There is no love, there is no nurturing, it's been totally and completely sucked out of me. The thought of getting down on the floor and playing with them makes my back hurt and my heart sink. So their life's going to suck whether I live or die so it doesn't much matter. Darwin's theory will kick in. survival of the fittest. I picked the scum of the earth for their "dad". Not hopeful - but if the relatives and therapists step up to the plate, perhaps they've got a chance. So all in all, this first item simply does not seem to be much of an obstacle. So onto number 2.....

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Athena, I can't approach this in the supposedly logical way in which it's written, simply because of how long I had to fight off my own death thoughts. I'd end up getting angry.

{But I majored in biology, so just one thing: Darwin's selection was "natural". Offing yourself is anything but.}

So I'll just say what I feel. I hear a huge amount of pain in this; sadness at losses you don't even want to acknowledge; and yes, fear that you might let yourself succeed in this plan.

Please talk about this with your therapist, or seek emergency help if you get past the planning stage. Death is the only option that doesn't let you try something else if it doesn't work.

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Thank you for your comments Malign,

As you can see from the "alternate ending", I do not plan on single-mindedly focusing on the first option. I simply plan on writing down the thoughts either way as they come up. One of the obstacles was the lack of a legacy. At least recording what drives one to the ultimate way out might offer some insights, understanding, warning or whatever to others. So it kind of removes the "Legacy" obstacle. But i suspect it will take a while, it won't happen overnight and at some point along the way I may flip to the alternate ending. Like i think i've heard you say in the past "If you wanted to be dead, you'd be dead". I am of a similar mind. This is not a call for help. If I wanted to be dead, I wouldn't exactly want somebody talking me out of it, now would I?

I picked up Victor Frankl's "Man's search for Meaning" today. Basically how to survive trauma in the present tense, as opposed to the past tense "PTSD" which there seem to be lots of resources for. It will be interesting to see which ending I write under after having read that.

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I'm glad you understand. Part of the reason for the blog is that it doesn't seem to attract as much attention as the public forums. Yet, if I was to simply pull out a notepad and write, the words just don't seem to come out. One does what one has to. So, hence, the blog.

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Yeah, I know its why I use my blog :P

I think a lot of people have felt or do feel suicidal in one way or another at some point in their life. I know I certainly have, at points more seriously than others. But I remember being that way, and remember the torn feelings that go with it. I guess if it helps you, to write /type things out then I say do whats helping.

But seriously, if it does get beyond the theory stage, and on to the practical - please do as Malign suggests, and seek emergency help.

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