Athena, I can't approach this in the supposedly logical way in which it's written, simply because of how long I had to fight off my own death thoughts. I'd end up getting angry.

{But I majored in biology, so just one thing: Darwin's selection was "natural". Offing yourself is anything but.}

So I'll just say what I feel. I hear a huge amount of pain in this; sadness at losses you don't even want to acknowledge; and yes, fear that you might let yourself succeed in this plan.

Please talk about this with your therapist, or seek emergency help if you get past the planning stage. Death is the only option that doesn't let you try something else if it doesn't work.

Thank you for your comments Malign,

As you can see from the "alternate ending", I do not plan on single-mindedly focusing on the first option. I simply plan on writing down the thoughts either way as they come up. One of the obstacles was the lack of a legacy. At least recording what drives one to the ultimate way out might offer some insights, understanding, warning or whatever to others. So it kind of removes the "Legacy" obstacle. But i suspect it will take a while, it won't happen overnight and at some point along the way I may flip to the alternate ending. Like i think i've heard you say in the past "If you wanted to be dead, you'd be dead". I am of a similar mind. This is not a call for help. If I wanted to be dead, I wouldn't exactly want somebody talking me out of it, now would I?

I picked up Victor Frankl's "Man's search for Meaning" today. Basically how to survive trauma in the present tense, as opposed to the past tense "PTSD" which there seem to be lots of resources for. It will be interesting to see which ending I write under after having read that.

I can understand you needing to write down your thoughts Athena, I know when I write mine it makes the whole picture a lot clearer

I'm glad you understand. Part of the reason for the blog is that it doesn't seem to attract as much attention as the public forums. Yet, if I was to simply pull out a notepad and write, the words just don't seem to come out. One does what one has to. So, hence, the blog.

Yeah, I know its why I use my blog

I think a lot of people have felt or do feel suicidal in one way or another at some point in their life. I know I certainly have, at points more seriously than others. But I remember being that way, and remember the torn feelings that go with it. I guess if it helps you, to write /type things out then I say do whats helping.

But seriously, if it does get beyond the theory stage, and on to the practical - please do as Malign suggests, and seek emergency help.