Hi, A.,

I have some comments again :-):

No loved one, can't rebuild.

This is how you feel now. So it surely makes you feel bad that "this great book has advises that can't be applied to me", I see... But... you cannot know in advance if there will not be a loved one (or more) after some time and if you will not be able to "rebuild" your life considerably in future.

I'm not 24 years old like those young men and women.

I know it's a cliché, but... "it's never too late"...

I think I'll give myself a year and a half to live it up

I'm very pleased to heat this!!! I know there is a lot of frustration and scepticism in it, but it's still better then few days ago - as you've said ;-)... It's one the most important steps in fighting depression: Give yourself time. Keep waiting for the benefits of your therapy; don't give up when not seeing them as soon as you'd love to.

And... it seems I'm quite a lot influenced by what (mostly) Mark has repeated to me so many times: I'd like to add to your "no loved one" that ... in the time you've given to yourself, you'll could slowly "get" at least one person who'll love you: yourself ... :-)

Somehow, I can't get around the concept of "loving" oneself. Accepting, forgiving, not judging, allowing joy in, being grateful to be who one is, being kind to yourself, not always putting yourself last, protecting your boundaries, being comfortable in one's own skin. Actually WANTING to live as one is. Respecting yourself to say"no" to those who are constantly draining you. These are my thoughts around the "loving" yourself phrase.

Perhaps it's something way more than that, I don't know.

I don't know either (I'm not really there (yet?)!) But... all you describe would be... sufficient in my eyes. Maybe that actually is a kind of love!

Accepting, forgiving, not judging, allowing joy in, being grateful to be who one is, being kind to yourself, not always putting yourself last, protecting your boundaries, being comfortable in one's own skin. Actually WANTING to live as one is. Respecting yourself to say"no" to those who are constantly draining you.

It's at least a start, Athena.

See if you can do that for a year and a half and still want to die.

It's daunting. I've done the exact opposite of everything on the list for as long as I can remember - age six or so. Protecting my boundaries at this moment in time means I must be prepared to lose everything. My ex is either a true coward and will finally break when he sees what I'm wiling to lose to keep my dignity and self respect. However, I suspect he is willing to lose everything and screw the kids while he's at it, simply because I said"no" and he can't handle that word. I thought his Dad a bit harsh when he disowned his son - ie "you were never my son, you are a disgrace, I don't ever want to talk to or hear from you again, it will be as if you were never born, I will have nothing to do with you again". Now I totally agree with the father a hundredfold.

Yup, old habits are hard to break.

But I think we're back to the insanity of repeating what doesn't work.

I'm not sure giving stuff away until you find your ex's breaking point is the ideal strategy, but if it works ...

No, quite the contrary. Giving him what he wants is what i've been doing in mediation meetings. Stuff i can live with. The other attendees think we're just about ready to sign then he comes out with a zinger after the meeting, when he doesn't have to ask for it in person. Then he keeps repeating the process. If he doesn't get what he wants, he threatens court, then his lawyer calms him down and we go back to the drawing board. I have not wanted court because I would lose half my business AGAiN to him and the children would not have the safety I could give them in mediation. However there are things he could lose now (he is working, I am not). I would give him full exposure to an ongoing civil case that would wipe both of us out. I had given him immunity up until now. His three years of delaying tactics has enabled me to come up with enough ideas to make him wish he'd never uttered the word "court". He may have been bluffing before because he knew at one point it could have really screwed me. He may still be bluffing. At any rate I have finally called it. We shall see.

Mmm, well, it beats dying. That's one thing that really freed me up: knowing that nothing I could try would be worse than offing myself, because if it didn't work, I could try something else.