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It gets worse before it GETS BETTER, right?


Athena

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It does get better, right? I'm not sure what's worse. Working myself into oblivion and chronic pain while repressing any and every emotion I may have had. Or being nothing but a pile of extreme emotions, mostly to the downside.

I got triggered today. Well, that's not the least bit unusual, but I had been coping better lately. I suppose the stresses of the last couple of days just got the better of me. I should be taking my kids for a bike ride, but the trigger just wiped me right out and zapped every last bit of energy. I hate it when that happens right at the beginning of the day. Then I just sank into uncontrollable, utterly hopeless sobbing. After that, the first thing I wanted to do was...well, I won't say here because I don't want to trigger anybody who has the tendency to the same strange self destructive coping methods as myself. Why on my stomach? I don't know. More area. Better hidden I suppose. But I stopped myself. told myself, I can handle this one. The next one, probably not, but this one, yes. So, I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I suppose I should get out of the house after lunch and reduce the odds. Or at least, reduce the access. Maybe I'll feel better. It's all just coping. Some methods are better than others. I just wish I didn't have to 'cope' all the time. I wish I could just go through a day and enjoy it and not have anything bad happen. And not be reminded of bad stuff.

I wish somebody could just program some good memories into me so I could recall those. I don't know if there ever were any or if they just got written over by all the bad. I am reminded of the question I often hear from the "be happy" gurus: "What did you do before you were depressed?" My answer would be "I was floating around in a womb".

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(((Athena))) I'm sorry... :(

But I'm also glad - because you were able to cope without SI!!!

And the memories... I don't want to sound like a "be happy" guru :(, but... I think it's time to build new ones - have some nice momens in present which will become nice memories. It's also up to you to influence your memories, at least the recent ones :o...

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I don't know. It definitely got worse for me before it got better. I'm not that far along so I am expecting it to get worse again, and making preparations. Talking to people who have multiple years of sobriety say it gets better after the first several months.

I know this doesn't directly address S/I but behaviorally they are similar. We are doing something self destructive to escape. Changing habits is hard whether it's getting sober or just taking up an exercise routine.

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I think it's time to build new ones - have some nice momens in present which will become nice memories. It's also up to you to influence your memories, at least the recent ones :)...
You are right, Lala. The problem is the more I try, the more I get into bad relationships and more bad memories and the cumulative effect becomes even more overwhelming. I finally understand now why some BPD individuals just eventually give up. But that puts me in an even worse headspace so I have to keep trying to get it right.
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I know this doesn't directly address S/I but behaviorally they are similar. We are doing something self destructive to escape. Changing habits is hard whether it's getting sober or just taking up an exercise routine.

Yes, they are very similar. But I try to live by the rule: Whatever you do, don't make it worse. So, for me that rules out addictions which are known to cause irreparable harm. It is not SI I worry about. It is merely a symptom, not the problem. SI simply comes about when I am at my most hopeless. It is the flooding, the overwhelming, unstoppable emotions/memories/fears that will not go away simply by willing them to or telling myself to change my attitude. It is not a 'thinking' problem as I have tried CBT and understand the thought processes. It is an 'affect' problem. An area that doesn't fit into my 'black and white' thinking brain very well, at least when it comes down to actually solving the problem.
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May I ask you about your recent friendship (with the man you mentioned to be almost ideal)? :) Did it turn bad, too? :)
That would be an example of trying and failing again. I do have a habit of 'idealizing' people that don't have obvious faults, then when they don't live up to that ideal, it all comes tumbling down. Also, he triggers me a lot. Insensitive jokes involving recent traumatic events in my life would be one example. Then the guilt trip should I refuse to find them funny. I think I could be OK with him if he was just a friend and I didn't have to rely on him. If I didn't have to be required to trust him emotionally or financially. Not a great basis for a long-term relationship. I should probably end it now and not allow things to descend into complete disaster. But then the question remains, "Is it even possible for me to find a decent, sensitive, caring, polite, reliable, generous, energetic, interesting, honest, moral, loving, intelligent man at my age?"
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I do have a habit of 'idealizing' people that don't have obvious faults

I suppose most/many of us do... :)

when they don't live up to that ideal, it all comes tumbling down

...but it doesn't have to end this way, I think. Accepting people with their 'faults' (/not ideal characteristics) is possible. But... we also need to have the right boundaries - what is acceptable for us and what is not. So... I think I'm only rambling :o, sorry... It's all true but without any foundation here as it doesn't help/bring something new :).

"Is it even possible for me to find a decent, sensitive, caring, polite, reliable, generous, energetic, interesting, honest, moral, loving, intelligent man at my age?"

I wonder what your therapist would answer to you ;-)! Well, you probably know it is possible but there is no guaranty that it will happen :). To be honest, I really don't know if it's better to be very active and trying hard to find one of just to... try to learn to enjoy the life you have (I know - too easy to say and too hard to do...) and be open to possibilities to meet someone new - without being too focused on it. Many wise people say that you have to follow your dream and do "everything" for it, to live for it, to believe... It may be true in this case as well. I'm sorry... I feel awkward that I'm writing so much without knowing what to say *sigh*... It's all so... difficult... but I don't want to reinforce this feeling in you!

Oh, sorry... I'm considering deleting this post... :-(

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Accepting people with their 'faults' (/not ideal characteristics) is possible. But... we also need to have the right boundaries - what is acceptable for us and what is not. So... I think I'm only rambling :)' date=' sorry... It's all true but without any foundation here as it doesn't help/bring something new :). [/quote'] Lala, you are not rambling, not at all. The key point here I think is 'boundaries'. That is my problem. I have no idea where they are. Nothing much bothers me - until it does, then I realize in hindsight that several boundaries have been crossed. It's funny, I now recall a conversation I had with my 'friend' on this topic. I said the way I handle boundaries is the same concept as "how to boil a frog". ie - put it in the water at the temperature it's used to, then slowly heat up the water. The frog never jumps out because it can repeatedly handle 'a little bit warmer' until all of a sudden it's too hot and it can't jump out, then voila, you will soon have a boiled frog. Damage has been done.

I wonder what your therapist would answer to you ;-)! Well' date=' you probably know it is possible but there is no guaranty that it will happen :). To be honest, I really don't know if it's better to be very active and trying hard to find one of just to... try to learn to enjoy the life you have (I know - too easy to say and too hard to do...) and be open to possibilities to meet someone new - without being too focused on it. Many wise people say that you have to follow your dream and do "everything" for it, to live for it, to believe... It may be true in this case as well. I'm sorry... I feel awkward that I'm writing so much without knowing what to say *sigh*... It's all so... difficult... but I don't want to reinforce this feeling in you!

Oh, sorry... I'm considering deleting this post... :-([/quote'] Don't worry about triggering me. Therapy itself is one big huge trigger, because you constantly bring things to the surface and re-experience the emotions surrounding those events. A lot of the same questions you raise go through my head. I do need to go through this more with my therapist as I seem to be flailing about with some need for direction. Here is something that I wrote the other day in another post on a similar topic:

"Do you fix yourself then go looking, or does finding somebody special inspire you to be who you were meant to be? I know my therapist would say, "You can be accepted just the way you are". But I have a practical nature, and I know it's one heck of a lot easier to find somebody worthwhile if I have something special to offer. A woman with no life, who's constantly an emotional trainwreck, has two challenging young kids and distrusts every man she meets - is not exactly a 'nice guy' magnet :eek:. I am however extremely confident of my ability to attract predators. So for now, I've given up on finding my soul-mate and will put more energy into fixing myself. I don't suppose there's any harm in dating though. Kinda what I've been doing, except that I had more expectations. If I drop the expectations, I think maybe I could be OK with it and just enjoy the present."

I suppose this sounds like I've answered the question. I guess I'm just still unsure if it's the right answer. Haven't quite convinced myself.

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