(((Athena))) I'm sorry...

But I'm also glad - because you were able to cope without SI!!!

And the memories... I don't want to sound like a "be happy" guru , but... I think it's time to build new ones - have some nice momens in present which will become nice memories. It's also up to you to influence your memories, at least the recent ones ...

I don't know. It definitely got worse for me before it got better. I'm not that far along so I am expecting it to get worse again, and making preparations. Talking to people who have multiple years of sobriety say it gets better after the first several months.

I know this doesn't directly address S/I but behaviorally they are similar. We are doing something self destructive to escape. Changing habits is hard whether it's getting sober or just taking up an exercise routine.

I think it's time to build new ones - have some nice momens in present which will become nice memories. It's also up to you to influence your memories, at least the recent ones ...

You are right, Lala. The problem is the more I try, the more I get into bad relationships and more bad memories and the cumulative effect becomes even more overwhelming. I finally understand now why some BPD individuals just eventually give up. But that puts me in an even worse headspace so I have to keep trying to get it right.

May I ask you about your recent friendship (with the man you mentioned to be almost ideal)? Did it turn bad, too?

I know this doesn't directly address S/I but behaviorally they are similar. We are doing something self destructive to escape. Changing habits is hard whether it's getting sober or just taking up an exercise routine.

Yes, they are very similar. But I try to live by the rule: Whatever you do, don't make it worse. So, for me that rules out addictions which are known to cause irreparable harm. It is not SI I worry about. It is merely a symptom, not the problem. SI simply comes about when I am at my most hopeless. It is the flooding, the overwhelming, unstoppable emotions/memories/fears that will not go away simply by willing them to or telling myself to change my attitude. It is not a 'thinking' problem as I have tried CBT and understand the thought processes. It is an 'affect' problem. An area that doesn't fit into my 'black and white' thinking brain very well, at least when it comes down to actually solving the problem.

I see...

It is an 'affect' problem.

How much simpler it would be if we only had only 'rational' problems... *sigh*

May I ask you about your recent friendship (with the man you mentioned to be almost ideal)? Did it turn bad, too?

That would be an example of trying and failing again. I do have a habit of 'idealizing' people that don't have obvious faults, then when they don't live up to that ideal, it all comes tumbling down. Also, he triggers me a lot. Insensitive jokes involving recent traumatic events in my life would be one example. Then the guilt trip should I refuse to find them funny. I think I could be OK with him if he was just a friend and I didn't have to rely on him. If I didn't have to be required to trust him emotionally or financially. Not a great basis for a long-term relationship. I should probably end it now and not allow things to descend into complete disaster. But then the question remains, "Is it even possible for me to find a decent, sensitive, caring, polite, reliable, generous, energetic, interesting, honest, moral, loving, intelligent man at my age?"

I do have a habit of 'idealizing' people that don't have obvious faults

I suppose most/many of us do...

when they don't live up to that ideal, it all comes tumbling down

...but it doesn't have to end this way, I think. Accepting people with their 'faults' (/not ideal characteristics) is possible. But... we also need to have the right boundaries - what is acceptable for us and what is not. So... I think I'm only rambling , sorry... It's all true but without any foundation here as it doesn't help/bring something new .

"Is it even possible for me to find a decent, sensitive, caring, polite, reliable, generous, energetic, interesting, honest, moral, loving, intelligent man at my age?"

I wonder what your therapist would answer to you ;-)! Well, you probably know it is possible but there is no guaranty that it will happen . To be honest, I really don't know if it's better to be very active and trying hard to find one of just to... try to learn to enjoy the life you have (I know - too easy to say and too hard to do...) and be open to possibilities to meet someone new - without being too focused on it. Many wise people say that you have to follow your dream and do "everything" for it, to live for it, to believe... It may be true in this case as well. I'm sorry... I feel awkward that I'm writing so much without knowing what to say *sigh*... It's all so... difficult... but I don't want to reinforce this feeling in you!

Oh, sorry... I'm considering deleting this post... :-(

Accepting people with their 'faults' (/not ideal characteristics) is possible. But... we also need to have the right boundaries - what is acceptable for us and what is not. So... I think I'm only rambling ' date=' sorry... It's all true but without any foundation here as it doesn't help/bring something new . [/quote'] Lala, you are not rambling, not at all. The key point here I think is 'boundaries'. That is my problem. I have no idea where they are. Nothing much bothers me - until it does, then I realize in hindsight that several boundaries have been crossed. It's funny, I now recall a conversation I had with my 'friend' on this topic. I said the way I handle boundaries is the same concept as "how to boil a frog". ie - put it in the water at the temperature it's used to, then slowly heat up the water. The frog never jumps out because it can repeatedly handle 'a little bit warmer' until all of a sudden it's too hot and it can't jump out, then voila, you will soon have a boiled frog. Damage has been done.

I wonder what your therapist would answer to you ;-)! Well' date=' you probably know it is possible but there is no guaranty that it will happen . To be honest, I really don't know if it's better to be very active and trying hard to find one of just to... try to learn to enjoy the life you have (I know - too easy to say and too hard to do...) and be open to possibilities to meet someone new - without being too focused on it. Many wise people say that you have to follow your dream and do "everything" for it, to live for it, to believe... It may be true in this case as well. I'm sorry... I feel awkward that I'm writing so much without knowing what to say *sigh*... It's all so... difficult... but I don't want to reinforce this feeling in you!

Oh, sorry... I'm considering deleting this post... :-([/quote'] Don't worry about triggering me. Therapy itself is one big huge trigger, because you constantly bring things to the surface and re-experience the emotions surrounding those events. A lot of the same questions you raise go through my head. I do need to go through this more with my therapist as I seem to be flailing about with some need for direction. Here is something that I wrote the other day in another post on a similar topic:

"Do you fix yourself then go looking, or does finding somebody special inspire you to be who you were meant to be? I know my therapist would say, "You can be accepted just the way you are". But I have a practical nature, and I know it's one heck of a lot easier to find somebody worthwhile if I have something special to offer. A woman with no life, who's constantly an emotional trainwreck, has two challenging young kids and distrusts every man she meets - is not exactly a 'nice guy' magnet :eek:. I am however extremely confident of my ability to attract predators. So for now, I've given up on finding my soul-mate and will put more energy into fixing myself. I don't suppose there's any harm in dating though. Kinda what I've been doing, except that I had more expectations. If I drop the expectations, I think maybe I could be OK with it and just enjoy the present."

I suppose this sounds like I've answered the question. I guess I'm just still unsure if it's the right answer. Haven't quite convinced myself.

Thanks for your reply. I have to go now, I'll reply later...