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Don't Know What to Do, Don't Know What I Need


Solstice

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I'm in hell, and I can't get out. There's no escape. I can't make my relationship better. I can't end it. I can't make my life better. I can't end it. My heart is breaking. When I try to make things better I fail. When I try to make me better I fail. When I try to stop caring I fail.

I'm all alone and I'm screaming and no one hears and no one cares and I can't do this anymore.

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I hear you, I care - all your friends here do :(

I dont know the right words to say - Im a bit useless at that lately - but I am here, and I care a lot about you my friend. If you wanna chat I can listen :(

{{{{Big Hugs}}}}

Take care hun :(

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Thank you Sue. There's nothing anyone can do. If I could will myself to be dead, I would. Everyone says there's always hope but there isn't for me. There's nothing except this life, stretching out, on and on, failure after failure. I'm lost.

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Maybe there's a way to make changes, but I don't see any right now. But you're right. There are things I can do. I can grow up and live with my mess of a life with some degree of dignity, instead of crying about it here or elsewhere. I can work, and support my husband, even if he doesn't love me, or speak to me. Even if he changes the locks on the house. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can accept the world I made with my choices.

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Ridiculously enough, I don't know what I enjoy doing, really. I've spent so long trying to be what everyone else wants me to be that I've lost sight of who I am. I'm basically a shell, going through the motions and doing even that badly. I know that I should try to cultivate some good in my life, find ways to bring light into a very dark existence, but I'm not even sure where I'd start. I'm scared of change, scared of everything, don't trust myself...just a mess, really.

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So here I am with another mood swing. Last night, I had this moment of what I can only describe as clarity. A calm and rational understanding that I seek out people who are predisposed to act in ways that will hurt me, and then I provoke them to do just that. All my drama, all my rage, all my clinging...all to make myself someone others will harm.

With that thought came the understanding that it's not all my fault. I'm the provocateur, as it were, but the people who hurt me choose to do so. I'm not so good at manipulation that I can make people do things they really don't want to do. :(

Somehow, these thoughts gave me comfort. I don't think my life will change, which is what I've wanted for so long. I don't think I'll ever have the relationship I want, or close friendships. I don't think I'll ever be happy as I imagined it. But I feel calm and accepting.

Maybe all of it is just a side-effect of the xanax and wine cocktail I made myself last night...but I still feel it today. My life does suck, and I see why. Maybe that's enough.

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I don't really have anything to offer other than I just wanted to stop by and thank you for being such a good friend. I do value you and your words on my blog and on the forums have been reassuring, and that's meant a lot to me. I am glad you are my friend. I am sorry your life seems to suck. :(

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I value you too, Solstice :(

Congrats on reaching the "witness" part of you, and seeing some patterns at work. That can really help.

Can we work on yer "I like to...." list?

c'mon..... there's gotta be some stuff we can put on it!

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We value you, Solstice. :( Your words to me the other day were very comforting. Thank you.

You seem to get something out of supporting others. What do you feel when you do that? Is there a part of yourself that you're connecting with? Can you appreciate that part of yourself?

Take care today.

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Thanks to all three of you -- your words mean a lot and are much needed right now. :(

As to my "I like to..." list...I'm trying. I spent much of the weekend trying to remember what I liked to do before I started pretending to be someone else. Somehow it always turns into an "I like to, but..." list. I like to read, but I have so little time these days. I like to do yoga, but work conflicts. And so on. I know...the trick is to make the time, instead of making excuses, but somehow I keep sticking with the excuses.

Beth, I do like reaching out to people who are hurting (I don't know how helpful I am, but I try). Back before I went down my current career path, I had studied to be a psychologist. Ironically, given what I do now, I gave up on that because I was afraid my shyness would interfere. So, now I just try to informally reach out to people, because I know what it's like to hurt and I don't want anyone to feel alone like I often do.

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