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I keep vowing that I'm not going to do this anymore. "This" being: (1) crying and moping about my train wreck of a life, since I'm the one who was steering the train the whole way; (2) obsessing over how to fix things that can't be fixed; and (3) posting about all of it on the internet, thus taking the chance that someone I know sees it and recognizes me by the scraps of personal information that make it through.

But I keep doing this anyway, because it's easier than anything else. Easier than figuring out how to not have a panic attack when my husband lashes out at me. Easier than learning how to not let my emotions get the best of me when I'm hurt. Easier than opening up to people so I don't go whole days without speaking in depth to anyone. Easier than just accepting how things are, and realizing they will never be any different.

I'm paralyzed. I feel like I'm dying, or losing my mind, or both.


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I'm having some trouble being compassionate with myself. I don't like myself much, and I think it's for good reason. Truth is, I put myself where I am, and I keep myself there every day. I'd like to think I'm deserving of compassion, but, realistically, not so much...

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I have worked on it, though. My Kindle is chock-full of self-help books on self-compassion, self-esteem, etc. And I've actually read them. :( And worked on what they say to do. Only to fail time and again.

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...and it's time to head home. Time for the silent treatment over dinner (or maybe some awkward conversation if I can toughen myself up enough to manage it). Some more work, then bed. Then start over tomorrow...

Thanks for your kind words, Beth.

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Solstice--I can relate to much of this(except for the husband part...don't have one of those...), but the feeling alone and not having self compassion. I'm a pro at those, really. For what it's worth, i see value in you and have always appreciated your kindness on the site.

I don't remember if you're currently seeing a therapist or not. If not, have you in the past and/or would you be willing to try? If things are difficult with your husband, could you try couple's counseling?

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Yah well, you're basically describing my marriage, not to mention my response to it. Still, you're taking the most pessimistic view of it (I'm sure you're aware of that, too.)

Each of the things you listed is actually meant to help you, you know. Crying and feeling bad about the situation helps us know that we need a change; it's not there to make you beat yourself up for having made mistakes in the past. Obsessing over things that can't change is fairly natural, when we need to hide from ourselves the things that can change, for whatever reason those need to be hidden. And, talking to people, through whatever medium is available, is how we dig those things up and gather the courage to do them.

I married at 40; with luck, I'll be divorced by 50. Sure, for the seven years of marriage, I just kept putting myself back in the situation; we separated dozens of times, and got back together each time. Some people just have to learn some things the hard way, I guess. But learning can happen any time, and life is still there ahead of us ...

Books on self-esteem don't change; people change. What kills self-esteem is exposing ourselves to our own anger by continuing to do the same-old same-old. You're worth more than that, Solstice. Remember, you're the longest brightest day of the year (if you want to be.)

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Pseude -- thanks for the kindness. I do appreciate it. As for therapy, I've tried it. A lot. Really, honestly tried it. Maybe I've picked the wrong therapists, maybe I'm the wrong person. It just doesn't work for me. So I'm trying on my own (not that that's working either, but I'm just not willing to go back to therapy yet). And couples counseling isn't an option. He won't go.

Mark, I know that the things I'm feeling and doing are normal and meant to help, but the problem is that I never get over the hurdle of actually changing. I cry, I obsess, I talk, I say I'm going to make a change...and then I don't. I can't seem to push myself over or through that wall, so I keep doing the same-old. Every day. Given what my life is now, I'm wondering what on earth could make me do the work to change.

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Oh yeah, I am the Queen of All That Is Stubborn. :(

Can I harness my power for good? I don't know...right now, I'm challenging myself to commit to making serious changes before my next birthday, which is a few months away. I was feeling kind of empowered about that, but then...a bad interaction with my husband, and I'm back down in misery. Somehow, I need to find some inner strength that will let me weather the bad stuff without losing my way...

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Dear Solstice,

can you bravely and courageously ..... do something you like?

find a little something to appreciate in you, considering how tough things have been?

consider that maybe, the stuff you have been considering "weak" might have another dimension, may actually be the very thing you are missing in your personality that helps you weather the bad stuff? :(

sooooo in a quirky kind of way, nurturing your weakness, your needy parts, finding things that soothe you.... will give you a fighting chance...:(

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