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A Letter I'll Never Send


Solstice

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It happens pretty much every day. I'll say something. These days, it could be just about anything. The minute the words are out of my mouth, I'll know. They were wrong. I was wrong. I want to claw those words back, erase them, pull them out of the air before you hear them. Too late. Always too late.

And then your words start. All that hatred, pouring out. Not careless words, like mine. Carefully chosen. Impeccably planned to cut me. And they don't stop. You don't stop, ever. I try to apologize. I try to explain. I try to deflect and escape. I try to defuse. You don't stop. The emotional pain becomes physical pain, like a knife in my chest as I try to hold in the tears. If I fail, it's worse. If I break, I'll make it worse. I almost always break. I prove you right about me.

After I get away, I can hear your words still. An endless loop, reminding me that there's no hope for me, no hope for us, no hope for anything. The pain in my chest dulls slowly to an ache. The ache that's always with me, that keeps me awake at night, that makes me wish myself dead and gone a thousand times a day.

You don't care about this. You don't care about me, not anymore. Because I'm not worthy of your caring, of anyone's caring.

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I have tried to find a way to deal with this pain, but nothing works.

I thought maybe at least writing this out, I could pretend that my words were heard by the person hurting me. I thought maybe that would suffice.

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Thanks, Finding...a hug is what I need right now. :(

Beth, the short answer is no, no way out, not right now. There are a lot of reasons for that. Many would probably disagree with those reasons. Sometimes I disagree with those reasons. But I've thought through all my options, and that one is off the table.

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I've tried it all. Sharing with him how it makes me feel, calling him out...none of it works. We've reached a point where he has decided it's all my fault, and probably 90% of it is. He's a man of strong opinions, and not likely to change them now -- especially when I have given him so much evidence to support his opinions. The trick for me is to learn to live with the life I made.

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I doubt 90% of it is your fault. Fault is not the issue, though...

How can you feel better about your circumstances?

My h and I are complete opposites and learning more about how he operates has helped me adjust some. I've been able to better identify our areas of conflict.

Does any of that help?

What about friendships? Can you find some joy and comfort in those?

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I don't know how I can feel better about my circumstances.

We tried counseling several years ago. During counseling, we discussed a lot of the things you're mentioning -- working to better understand where the other person is coming from, how they operate, etc. Since then, it's only gone downhill, largely because I didn't deal with my underlying issues. Now, right or wrong, it's become all about me and my mistakes.

Regrettably, I don't have friends I can turn to. It's just me.

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Solstice, can you try turning your attention to compassion rather than judgment? I know you said you've tried...but aren't you hurting enough as it is? I hear you, but hope that you can be gentle with you.

You seem to me to be a very kind, intelligent person that others would love having as a friend. Are you able to get out and socialize at all?

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Im sorry things are so harsh for you Solstice. You do have a voice hun, and you deserve to be heard.

For what it is worth we hear you, and a lot of us understand in our own little ways just how harsh it can be at times.

No great words of advice hun, just a hug from a friend that cares, and is listening to you.:o

Sorry your hurting hun :( :(

hug_035.gif

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