I have been struggling with what to do first. Fix oneself first or find a meaningful relationship that then makes you feel better so that you will have the motivation to go out and fix yourself. I think I've finally found the answer: I will keep having sub-standard relationships until I fix myself. Because after about a month (provided it lasts that long) every relationship will turn into: 1) What, you're still with me - what's wrong with you? or 2) What are you REALLY after? or 3) Boredom or 4) Come here, go away or 5) total loss of connection or 6) a myriad of other dysfunctional things. In my current relationship it is all of the above. And I can't see how it can possibly be any other way at the moment. So I've left the door wide open for him. Basically told him not to hold his breath for the 'future me' since that could be a long way off. Why waste his time? Apathy has set in for me so while I don't care whether he stays or goes, why not go before somebody gets hurt? But he's not leaving. Confounding. His top quality is apparently massive patience. Not even acceptance. The current me is not acceptable to him. He's made that known in various ways. He is keeping his distance, waiting for the future me. Kind of rejecting actually. "Thanks for your confidence but please do not overestimate me, I rarely live up to people's expectations."

So, fine - wait around if you like. But don't lay the guilt trip on me if it doesn't work out. I've given you fair warning.

Working on me is taking a long time. OK, continue therapy, but don't sit around waiting for it to miraculously 'work'. Find a passion. One that isn't isolating, solitary. One that I can do year round, that doesn't bore me after a year, something I can grow with. One where I can fit in - I'm not 20 anymore but neither am I almost dead (physically anyway). Something I think I might be good at. Find a tolerable job that generates a decent income, doesn't either bore me or stress me out or turn my back into knots. Preferably one that has some meaning to it besides making some fig fat corporation richer. Decide whether I need to go back to school. Figure out the finances (OK, gotta get F.N. Leech to sign the damn freedom papers before I dare look at what I've got left to work with). Where do my kids fit in? Get rid of the bad habits - wasting time on the internet, junk food, staying up late, freaking out, obsessing about bad things, cut back on the drinks before it gets out of hand, stop withdrawing, start living within my means, spend more quality time with my kids, attempt to connect with friends, get out more, practise my music more, get out of my comfort zone, get out of my rut, get out of my chair, start tackling the messes that have built up, stop procrastinating.

Hmmm - I think I need to get a BIG piece of paper out and get some organized plan for tackling this list. So, is the real me in here somewhere? I don't know. But if I can do all this I think I'll like her a lot better. She will be more balanced, more interesting, more fun, more creative, more alive and she won't have time to wallow in self-pity. Might just work.