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Thinking Out Loud



I got my medicaid card through the mail, so today I'm calling my therapist. I've had just about all that I can take. I've been pushed to my limits. I feel like I'm losing it. Everywhere I look, I see my worthlessness. I feel like everyone else sees it too.

My in-laws came up to visit yesterday. No warm greetings, no hug, not even a hello. I don't understand that. My husband has been giving me a lot of lip since he lost his job, and I can't help but wonder what he's said to them. Seems he can't talk to them when I'm around, only when I'm asleep or gone. Is that why they act so strange? What am I doing? My mother in law made it a point to let me know there's no need for my house to be even the slightest bit messy, there's no excuse. And then ofcourse when my daughter starts throwing a fit because she doesn't get her way, and I tell her to straighten up her behavior, they butt in and go against me. The whole reason I was upset with her is because I had found out she had lied several times that day, she was pouting and crying because she wanted to go see my mom and dad instead of visiting with my husband's parents. I just felt it was disrespectful for her to act in such a manner in front of them, especially when they only get to come up about once every two months.

It's 7 a.m. and I'm already on my second pot of coffee. My mind is a mess, going into overdrive. I've been up since 3. Too busy questioning my worth to sleep.

I wish I had a sitter, that way I could go out on the lake and fish the day away... talk to the wind like my brother could hear me. But it doesn't work that way. I'm forever trapped inside these four walls battling with myself.

I hope I can get in soon with the doc. My depression and anxiety is getting the best of me.



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Well, I called this morning and by luck got an appointment for today. I'll admit, I'm really nervous. I don't know what to say about the flashbacks and i don't know how he's going to react. I don't even know if it's normal to have such a reaction to something, let alone, what the treatment might be. I'm scared. But I've got to get this under control. I just don't want to have to go into a hospital because my ex husband will take my daughter away and my husband now would probably leave.

I really hope that I can blurt out enough between the tears to get the point across as to what my problem is. I feel like my health is declining by the day, to the point I won't be able to even function much longer.

I really need some prayers today. I'm at the peak of my anxiety, depression and grief, and I don't know what he will do about it. I long to be normal again, but what is normal?

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Okay, so I'm back from my appointment, but I really don't have any answers. One thing he said for sure was that I wasn't bipolar, but he puts me on Seroquel. Was he vague in his diagnosis because he wants to steer clear of labels, or what? Maybe I need to spend less time trying to figure things out and just shut up and take my meds.

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Do you have more appointments, Jenna? It may take longer than one session for an official diagnosis. Outside of any diagnosis, though, talking with him about your feelings and what has been troubling you could be helpful as well. I hope the medication helps, Jenna. Take care.

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Okay, so I'm back from my appointment, but I really don't have any answers. One thing he said for sure was that I wasn't bipolar, but he puts me on Seroquel. Was he vague in his diagnosis because he wants to steer clear of labels, or what? Maybe I need to spend less time trying to figure things out and just shut up and take my meds.
If you're on Seroquel, he has picked up on the overwhelming anxiety. I think labels can be very counterproductive, creating tunnel vision in both the therapist and the patient, as well as potentially causing extra anxiety in the patient, depending on the label and the amount of stigma attached to it. I find self-diagnosing/labelling can be helpful, with the aim of researching possible treatment options. I think a proper diagnosis takes some time (other than obvious one-offs like anxiety/depression etc) because it gets into the underlying causes - which may take some time to uncover.
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Thank you Athena, that was very helpful. Yes, IJ, I do have another appointment but it's at the end of November. I guess he wants to see how the Seroquel works for me. I'm really hoping this medicine does well for me, and that the side effects doesn't stop me from functioning. I'm so sensitive to medicine. Even Benedryl knocks me out for atleast two days. I don't want to spend anymore of my life sleeping or wanting to sleep, more than I already do.

I couldn't get it filled today because my pharmacy said my insurance didn't go into affect until tomorrow, so tomorrow night I will officially be starting my seroquel. Here's hoping this works and that I'm finally on the right path.

There were parts of the session where I felt really uncomfortable. For example, the last time I was able to visit him, I hadn't received the results from my brother's toxicology reports, so I thought he had died of a heart attack (that's what I was told). When I started describing the flashbacks and feeling like I should have known that my brother was struggling with addiction, he asked me what was in my brother's system the time that he died. He wrote these things down. He didn't write down the things that I was seeing, but he found importance in what was found in my brother's system.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but there are times I feel like my backwards ways and life of seclusion makes people wonder if I'm an addict too. There were hundreds of people who knew Charlie had an addiction, long before I did. How long were they whispering behind my back? Then again, why should I care, when I know I'm not? I have a lot of sorting out to do in my mind. I'm at a crossroads in life, I've got to make the correct choice this time in treatment and bettering my life, or another ten years will pass me by.

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I don't know that I'm skeptical, maybe I just don't like being told my "defects". I think we all feel that way to a certain point. This is only my second visit, and this therapist actually listens- unlike my other's. Though I'm still getting the whole "hereditary" spill. I was in there spilling my heart out about reliving my brothers funeral, having flashbacks, dreaming about it, so on.... and he asks me again about mental health problems in the family. I understand that heredity does play a part, HOWEVER- I was struggling with depression and anxiety that could be controlled up until a very traumatic event happened over three years ago. Since that time, I haven't been able to get a grip on depression, anxiety, or my thoughts. So yes, I do feel I've gotten depression and anxiety from my parents, but I do not feel that it is the main problem. I have held a lot of stuff in my 27 years, more so the last 4 years, and I feel the way my mind is reacting now, is how those buried things have manifested themselves. I just have to figure out where to start, with the help of my therapist ofcourse, and identify what damage has been done.

It's true, I don't want another ten years to go by, but I'm not aiming that at my therapist. I'm telling myself, I guess you could say. Motivation is the key for me right now. I have to give myself a little pep talk now and then or I'm going to be stuck in this cycle forever. I've got to break the cycle now or I fear I will self destruct.

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I think that your therapist is just trying to get a more complete picture. If he is going to treat you for a three year old trauma, he still needs to see what he's got to work with and why it is still so devastating. You may need some more tools to be able to bounce back. I have a similar situation, except my emotional issues have been more ingrained for much longer (I'm 49). Then a never ending divorce, plus around 4 other crises hitting at the same time made my emotional issues 10 times worse. So it's like an ongoing trauma (related to parenting) exacerbated by another ongoing trauma (marriage and divorce). C-PTSD or complex PTSD is a diagnosis that seems to fit for me. You may want to read up on PTSD, C-PTSD, mood disorders, personality disorders - anything that could point you in the right direction or add to what your therapist is doing for you. They only know what we tell them and sometimes reading up on our issues brings out other things that we forgot to tell them. Or gets them out faster. If you feel like he's labelling you and it bothers you, tell him. I just went on Seroquel for three days because I thought mine had labeled me in the last 10 minutes of Friday's session. The anxiety was over the top. So if you don't like somebody telling you that you have flaws, you are certainly not alone.

Do you have a strong support network - spouse, family, friends?

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I'm sorry to hear of your situation, Athena. Divorce is very hard, and everything that goes with it. Child custody disputes, etc.

After I slept on it for a while, I'm a bit more confident with the session. I've been to two other psychiatrist and this one, so far, seems to be the one I'm most comfortable with. I approve of the way he approaches things and handles my thoughts and emotions very delicately. I also like that he's not quick to increase my medicine. I had a doctor once who had me on 6 mg a day of Clonazapam. I was an absolute zombie.

This forum is my support system. I have no one around me to vent to. Unfortunately, my husband does not understand.

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Looks as though I've ran across another set back. My seroquel will not be covered by medicaid. So it looks as though I'm back to square one, and what I thought was a possible new beginning was just a false start to get my hopes up.

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That's too bad about your husband. This place has been a godsend for me. Up until recently I had nobody to talk to about this stuff outside of my therapist so I know how hard it can be. One thing I never took my former therapist up on was the possibility of seeing him twice a week (I should have). If you think it might help, you might inquire about that.

Also, I read about your disability denial in your other post. Par for the course, unfortunately. I think the suggestion to get a lawyer is a good one. Alternatively, if you're not at the final stage yet, you can brainstorm as many things that you think may be wrong with you, get your GP to refer you to a bunch of specialists and then at least you will have something new to put in your appeal. My memory is shot these days so forgive me if I'm repeating myself but thyroid, adrenal system, DHEA, vitamin D levels, sex/other hormones may all be something to check out.

That sucks about the Seroquel. However I find it a very fast acting drug. I can get by on 50mg on an as-needed basis, which is only when I have over the top anxiety. Maybe it would be cheaper to get a 100mg dose and split it in half.

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I called the pharmacy which directed me to my psychiatrist, turns out Seroquel is not covered under state medicaid. He is calling in Risperidone(sp?) . Called the pharmacy, they said he didn't call it in, called the dr. they said they did. This pharmacy is a real pain in the @ss but I live in the middle of nowhere, it's pretty much my only option. So again, no medicine today and they "didn't receive my refill request on my Klonopin" either. Now I'm without both.

If something can go wrong, it's going wrong. Last night was a struggle with dreams and flashbacks and uncontrollable sobbing. I can't get a grip, and I don't understand why this is happening. Is it possible for one to find a loss so traumatic they lose it? I'm thinking of calling my psychiatrist and trying to make another appointment but then again, I feel that I should try the medicine first. I don't feel that I can keep my cool with the pharmacy for a fourth time, so either my husband is going to have to go down and get this straightened out, or I'm going to have to find another way to get it straightened out. The people at the pharmacy are beyond rude, and their behavior is very unprofessional. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day and a successful one for getting the Risperidone.

I was looking the meds up on the computer and it said that it was used for schizophrenia and bipolar. Does this mean the psychiatrist thinks I'm one of the two? He specifically said it wasn't Bipolar because there's not the extreme highs in the mood. I'm confused.

I called my mom to ask what her what she had officially been diagnosed with out of curiosity, but she danced around the subject saying she had anxiety attacks. Then ofcourse she kind of made it a point to point out Risperidone was an antipsychotic and that in turn meant there was something bad wrong with me upstairs. She was poking fun and scolding me all at the same time. How do you do that to your kid?! Where's the support?

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Yes, I heard Risperidone also mentioned as one of the antipsychotics. Tell your mum you don't appreciate being kidded about this stuff. Some people honestly have NO IDEA how much their insensitivity can hurt others. I thought it pretty funny when I was prescribed Seroquel because it was an antipsychotic - I really don't think I'm THAT bad - but it's way different when you're laughing at yourself as opposed to somebody else doing it. But they are used for many things - antianxiety, sleep aid, anti-suicide, anti-psychotic, bipolar, I think I even heard of them used for depression. Once again, this is probably a time where labels aren't that helpful. If it helps you, that's all that matters. However, if you need a diagnosis for your disability application, then a label will come in handy, but don't get hung up on it. It can create tunnel vision and you may start acting the part unknowingly. Kind of like the concept "your brain believes what you tell it". Unfortunately I fall into this trap all too often and it's hard to re-train your brain once it gets convinced of something.

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Exactly Athena, I think being labeled would just hurt me more than help me at this point, but I'm extremely curious. When I filled out the appeal on disability I just explained to look at doctor's records. I know there are some things right now that I don't need to know, but being the person I am, I think I have to figure everything out including what's wrong with me. Very complex, I know!

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Yes, of course we want to know what's wrong with us even if we know we kind of don't want to hear it. Just be prepared for the shock. Forget the label, look at the causes and symptoms associated with it - if they are accurate, then the label fits. Then try not to think about it. Or if you do, do it in the spirit of researching every treatment available for it. Just work on treating the underlying causes. If you need to treat symptoms with drugs to get you by while you are waiting, do that if they make you feel better. But remember, they will not make the problems go away. It sounds like you have suffered a trauma. The only way to heal that is to deal with it at the emotional level with a kind, caring, patient, nonjudgemental therapist who is trained to deal with it.

Anyway, you should be getting copies of everything being sent in support of your disability application in order to properly defend yourself. You need to know what your doctors are saying to the disability people. You have to be as informed as possible. I look at it as a game. Their goal is to prevent you from collecting. Your goal is to collect what you entitled to. They will use intimidation, efforts to wear you down, hearings, false statements, etc, etc. You need to use facts, well thought out rebuttals to their reasons for rejecting and perseverance. Sometimes you need to use advocates - social worker, family member, friend, lawyer - whatever seems most appropriate.

I suspect you probably know much of this but maybe some of it will be helpful.

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Thank you Athena, for being so helpful. I've seen copies of every one of my medical records except for the psychiatrist. I think it would be within my best interest not to see those at this time. There will come a time when I can delve into those records and study what he's found, but now is not the time. I'm too emotionally fragile and label fearing.

I've actually researched several mental health problems online in the last few days, being able to eliminate some, and relate to others. The doctor himself eliminated Bipolar depression, and I have as well, due to not having high points or episodes of mania.

Some of the Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms fit but I don't have bouts of extreme anger, impulse problems, drug problems, or self harm issues.

PTSD is something I feel fits me the most so far, that I've found. I've looked up schizophrenia as well and I didn't have any of those symptoms. I still continuing to research though. I'm going to bring up the PTSD at my next appointment.

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Sounds like you have a good handle on this. Just keep an open mind. We are complex creatures and there is no 'one size fits all'. Sometimes a traumatic event comes along that just goes on top of earlier vulnerabilities and both must be dealt with in order to heal fully. Sometimes it's just one too many things landing on our plate all at the same time and we just reach the breaking point. And everybody has a different limit. I had a discussion on BPD with my therapist the other day (unfortunately the closest fit for me:(). His attitude is that under certain circumstances, any one of us could appear to be BPD to some extent. It's all a matter of degree and length of time. So after a few days I started to think, 'Hey, I'm just a normal person reacting to highly abnormal events', and all of a sudden I started to think that there's nothing wrong with me and in a strange way, I started to act a little more normally. Not a bad thing to tell my brain. It might just believe me:rolleyes:!

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