Hi Jenna,

I am sorry you are hurting, Hun.

Tomorrow is the 28th, six months since Charlie passed away. There's a heaviness in my heart words cannot describe.

I know that it is going to be tough for you tomorrow. Can you try to think about something good that the two of you shared? I always try to celebrate my husband's life on days like this. I just think how much he enriched my life, how happy he made me. All these memories bring so much warmth to me that the hurt steps back.

The same void is still there, an acceptance that he's gone but no peace. Why can't I move past this? Is it the circumstances surrounding his death? Do I feel at fault for not knowing or seeing that he had an addiction? What is it that I can't let go?

There will not be peace for now, unfortunately. It is too soon. You need to go through all stages of grief in other to heal. Those stages our painful, but trust me, you WILL heal. It has been over three years since my husband passed away. I have to admit, that I almost don't think of him. Of course I miss him, but I am used to living without him. I have healed, so will you. I promise.

Lana, thank you for your kind words. I do have a question though.... did you have flashbacks after you lost your husband? Did you dream of him? Unfortunately all my flashbacks and dreams revolve around after his death, the time of his death, his funeral.... none of them are of when he was alive. It's like I can't remember a good time we shared because the shock of his death weasels it's way in before I can even imagine a happy time. I question my sanity. I don't feel it is ordinary for one to react to a death like this. I feel it's driven me insane. I feel like I've lost myself, my peace, my motivation, my hope.... all permanently. I don't see it getting better than this, I can't see it. All I see is him, cold, blue, lying in a casket, not looking like himself. A picture of a nightmare for a sister. I remember before the funeral, I just wanted to see him one last time, to say goodbye, but once I saw him, my memories of the funeral stop. That image is forever burned in my mind. I didn't want to leave him, now I can't go back (to the graveside.) When I close my eyes, I see him there. I don't want to close my eyes any more. Why won't it go away?

The tears they are a comin' and I just can't stop them.

did you have flashbacks after you lost your husband? Did you dream of him?

Flashbacks-yes for about 2 years, dreams-no (I wish I had)

Time, work, being a single mom, the desire to be happy again eventually healed me.

See, the biggest difference between our losses is that my husband was sick for 3 years and even though I always hoped that he will beat the cancer, down deep inside, I knew that I will lose him eventually. So, here is the main point. I started my grief when we found out that he was sick. Then he slowly deteriorated and I was prepared. I had time for it. Your brother died suddenly and you weren't prepared. So, it will take you some time to process and accept his loss.

I don't feel it is ordinary for one to react to a death like this. I feel it's driven me insane. I feel like I've lost myself, my peace, my motivation, my hope.... all permanently. I don't see it getting better than this, I can't see it.

Everyone reacts to the loss of a loved one differently. You are not insane. You loved your brother and you are in the process of healing. It is going to be a long journey, I don't want to lie to you, but you need to be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for not doing something or for doing something wrong. You are a human being who is hurting.

You will be ok. The pain eventually goes away.

Cry when you feel like crying, be sad when you miss him. It is all normal, those emotions will help you to let go of your pain.

Have you been able to go back to the therapist, Jenna, and talk about what you've been experiencing?

Why can't I move past this? Is it the circumstances surrounding his death? Do I feel at fault for not knowing or seeing that he had an addiction? What is it that I can't let go?

Do you journal at all, Jenna? Writing helps me to work through and process my feelings. I don't know if you might also find it helpful.

I hope that expressing yourself here helps you to feel heard. Take care today.

Hi Beth. I was supposed to go to the therapist today, but I didn't go. I couldn't. I'm too busy denying and running from reality.

I have tried writing my thoughts and feelings down, but I have a lack of privacy around here. Sometimes my weaknesses are brought out in a form of an insult. So I do not journal anymore. I blog on here to help me.

I went to my parent's house last night. My mom had pictures of my brother everywhere in her room, and the sight of it just knocked the wind out of me. She told me I couldn't turn my back on my brother simply because I turned away from his pictures to avoid having a massive break down. I told her she just couldn't understand and I couldn't try to make her understand just yet. I couldn't talk about it. She thinks I'm literally turning my back on him but I'm not. I was avoiding a trigger. How can I make her understand that I'm not trying to forget my brother, I'm trying to avoid things that trigger flashbacks. I told her I saw things but I can't tell her what I see. She wouldn't understand. She thinks I can make it stop. If I could, God knows I would.

I just couldn't talk about things today with the therapist. I'm afraid I'm starting a bad habit of running from it, and suppressing feelings.

My husband doesn't understand, why would I suspect anyone else would? It hurts. Now I'm just trying to pretend nothing is wrong. That way my loved ones will quit throwing me those sideways glares.

Sorry that you are hurting, Jenna. Everyone processes grief differently. I understand why it is s hard for you to look at your brother's pictures. The wound is fresh and it is still bleeding. Your mom probably finds some kind of comfort when she looks at his pictures. I am not sure how you can let her know that you are not turning your back on your brother, it is just too painful for you right now.

Try to do something nice for yourself. Warm bath? Something sweet? A good movie? What do you like? What makes you feel good and give you an enjoyment?