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Realization


Jenna520

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So, I haven't been back to therapy, went off the Risperidone due to the horrible side effects, and just trying to tough it out by keeping myself busy. I've made a huge discovery that should have been obvious all along.

If the people around me doesn't respect me, how am I supposed to respect and feel good about how I am. I need to step up, put my foot down, and quit listening to the sarcastic remarks and criticism everyone seems to throw my way. I need to quit settling for less than what I deserve. I've always done that. Why, I don't know.

I do have trust issues, but there's a reason for that. The people I think I can trust take advantage of my weaknesses and use them to their advantage. I can be happy if I work at it and make some changes. One being my attitude. No more accepting lip from those who judge me. Sometimes it just takes being really blunt and mean like them back for them to get the message. I don't know if I can be that mean person, but I can sure as hell stand up for myself. Let's see how this goes. I'm tired of being manipulated.

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I like your attitude. Just be prepared for a pushback. People like pushovers. They're so easy to get along with. I don't think you have to be mean, but you may decide you don't want to hang around mean people. Why show up to a gun-fight with a knife? They're way more practised at it. Move on. If it means you have to distance yourself from people who you are used to hanging around with, so be it. Decide who has good in them and who is hopelessly mean and forget even trying with the latter.

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Remember, no...I mean no one, has a right to judge you. What that means is that you should ignore them. Feel good about you rather than letting them impact about how you feel about yourself.

Allan

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I know that sometimes the fear is that putting your foot down will cause people to leave. It’s hard to see that if people leave when you stand up for yourself, they weren’t worth having around anyway. If they can’t respect you enough to let you have self respect, then they aren’t a good influence. Having people upset with you as a result, or even leave you as a result can hurt pretty badly. But the ones that stick with you are the gems. I let a man walk all over me for 7 years and I never much pushed back because I was afraid of hurting him. Never mind how much he hurt me. One thing I appreciate about my current husband, despite his flaws, is that I can get mad at him, and if the anger is valid, he never holds it against me. You’re doing good trying to stand up for yourself. It isn’t easy, for sure.

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Jenna, I wanted to check in with you and say hello. I've been working on asserting myself more too and it can be very challenging. Sometimes I have to force it without feeling it, but I'm finding more and more that it's easier for me to stand up for myself now than it used to be. I hope you find your way, Jenna.

Wishing you a peaceful day.

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Thanks everyone. Unfortunately, I am weak. I guess I find it easier to listen to what I'm used to hearing, feel the pain, and then sweep it to the back of my mind to fester for a while. Sometimes standing up causes a bit more of a rucus and it's become something I want to avoid.

Frustration is brewing. I'm beyond fed up with so many things right now. I feel disrespected and let down. I feel like my husband should be out leaving no stone unturned looking for a job. It's Christmas, we have bills to pay and a christmas to provide for the kids. I'm so mad at myself because of the disabilities that stop me from working, and yet I keep getting denied for SSI. It's frustrating. I'm just really sad. I'm struggling so much. I feel like I have no one in my corner. All the while, I'm preparing for Christmas without my brother, his kids, and his wife. I'm upset with my sister in law for not returning my calls, I miss my nieces and nephews. My kids shouldn't have to have Christmas without their cousins just because my brother passed away. He wouldn't want it this way.

I'm stuck in a rut. I feel betrayed and alone. I've been let down, repeatedly. I'm beginning to buckle under the pressure.

I want to thank everyone again for your support, advice, and kindness. This seems to be the only "family" that understands and supports me. My internet service will be cut off any day now, so I just wanted to thank everyone before that happens. God Bless each and every one of you.

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I'm so sorry for all this Jenna.

Internet access has been a problem for others here too. Somehow they seem to make it back here though. I hope the same goes for you.

I have been told so many times in the past year - "Kids need you for your love and affection, not for the stuff you give them". It's taken me a long time to get my head around that but deep down, I know that it's true. I am having a more subdued Christmas this year too and there will be fewer presents. But I am trying to view it as an opportunity to teach my kids what really matters.

I've known you for far too short a time - but I have appreciated your support and kind words - thank you.

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