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its not perfect - but its ok.



Im feeling calmer, and more leveled out. Im sad, but not overly so. Think I might go to relaxation class, this morning - something I dont usually do, coz too many people, and I get nervous in groups - but I reckon I will give it a try.

Things are far from ideal for me presently - However, today feels bearable. Bearable is good :o


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Well I didnt freak out by the amount of people in the room - and managed to stay for the whole session. I was a little nervous, but next time might be easier. :)

Got art therapy this afternoon, but not sure if I will be awake enough for it - Think I will probably go to it but maybe leave before the class ends. Im really tired today.

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Thanks Beth

I tried to do art therapy - but I started to get over emotional. for no reason. So went and layed down. Feeling a little better after a nap, fighting the urge not to break down. Sounds silly, as I cant tell whats making me feel so upset.

Im trying to calm myself, listening to relaxation music, and trying to keep optimistic - its so hard!!!

But today is a good day, Im managing to get through it without spiralling or getting too lost in my own world. Im becoming more aware. :o

Im grateful its nearly my bed time. Im exhausted, that or just plain lazy :P

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thanks Beth, and yeah big bro guess i did need a hug. (im loving your hamster story.)

think ive worked out why im upset - and thats ok - im managing it, in my own little way. without resorting to old habbits. Think thats what is called coping :P

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ok, so i promise myseld im not gonna whinge at how unfaid life is....

however let me just say.....


technically that isnt whinging is it????

can I get off on a technicality - please ???

ok, possitiveness is in the eyes of someone that needs it !!!

(ha - i think ive just playe on words - but I need it - so its allowed - right?)

its all just a nightmeare - things in the past only make you remember so that you dont forget and that you can learn from it. And also make you feel that - "hey I got through this - I can certainly cope now"

Thanks all for sitting with me.

In the morning - I will try harder not to be such a whinger - after all, many have it worse than me - yet they seem to cope. Which means ultimately I can too.

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not sure how i feel today, but im ok with that - just gonna go with the flow of things.

im going to a yoga class this morning, hopefully i wont fall flat on my face - my balance is a bit wobbly lately, also im really clumsy. :P

little steps, but i think im moving on - slowly :o

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im having such a peaceful day - sheeze dont think ive ever honestly been able to truthfully write that before :o

still gotten the usual stuff going round inside of me - but im managing to control it and keep it at a level that i can manage.

the staff have given me permission to go out for a hour this afternoon - obviously on the condition i come back (:P) and I have every intention of doing so - i want to get well. :o

so im not going to go to the pub, or get in touch wiv any old contacts (and believe, them thoughts are at the back of my mind and slowly pushing themself forward) im going to be good

Im going to just walk around the grounds (coz the grounds here are beautiful) and take in the fresh air and just relax.

its a good day for me today :)

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thanks Beth :o

well i didnt run away, really wanted to - but i was good, i came back and on time :o

im really tired still - overly so. reckon its the meds that have been building up in my system, an are now starting to work - i could sleep for england and scotland lately, wake up roll over and just go back to sleep again :P

still a couple more hours - just gotta endure dinner time (oh great) and meds then I can go to sleep for the night - YAY.

sleepy days - i blame the bed for being too comfy !!!

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i loved my walk - there wer'nt a lot of birds out - it was raining - quite hard - i think most of them were wise enough (unlike me) to take shelter somewhere nice and warm. Did I ever tell ya its freezing up north - coz it is. But I did get to play in a couple of puddles - I found that real fun. And I liked just standing and watching the rain fall and the patterns it made in the puddles - obviously not as spectacular as the patterns I made in the puddle sploshing around - but hey the rain tried and did its best. :o:P

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well im certainly quakers at times :P

i think im feeling better this past couple of days, and ive managed to be kind to me - its been ages since ive been able to do that. think maybe this time - i will crack it, and manage to get well, more importantly stay well. been talking lots with the p'doc and my main nurse - so atleast they know what is going on, and there advising me on what i need to do. its helping. still need to be on ward though - and likely to be here a couple more months. its for the best - if it works. IDK, im trying again. thanks to my med.

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Mmm, I wondered whether Med's anniversary might have been part of what happened, to you. I'm glad you still get strength from her.

You sound really good at the moment, Sue. I'm glad you feel better.

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Meds my angel, yeah it was her anniversary a short while ago. i still miss her so much, and certainly i nearly joined her. dreamt of her the other night. it comforted me - big time. She still lives, but through me. If i kill myself now - part of me thinks I will be killing whats left of her too. I cant do that to her. i sound silly, maybe i shouldnt of told you that. but whatever, shes give me a reason to really try. and im so thankful for her, and the loving memories of her. :)

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thanks for understanding big bro :)

sunday im being escourted to church for the morning service. im looking forward to being able to light a candle for my med.

tomorrow is saturday i think - and ive gotten my day fully worked out, i swear at the moment im on a timetable for things - its nearly as bad as being back in school - with lessons for the week all scheuled in advance:D

its gonna be a good weekend :D

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food time looming - i have a lovely dinner with my name on it, maybe tonight i will be able to eat it. gonna try though.

then im heading straight off to bed - i really do need my sleep - lazyitis returns :)

so goodnight everyone - and i hope y'all have a good weekend :D

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