Jump to content
Mental Support Community
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

Just Not My Year



I've come to accept that this year has just been a flop for me, not my year at all. I know it could be worse, but the depression, scars, and anguish this years happenings have left behind are extreme.

With Christmas approaching, I don't have the tree up, I have not one gift for my children, and no money. All of the organizations to recieve help to fund christmas are full. They have reached thier limit and are turning people away, have been since November. I'm a mess. I pray for a miracle.

I'm angry as well.... at so many things! Angry that I can't work, upset that all the resumes that have been put in on my husbands behalf have been put in and typed up by my, upset that even the local wal-mart turned down employing him because of a criminal record he has. I'm upset that he lost his job five months ago for such a stupid act. I'm upset that my children and I have to go without because he is putting forth so little effort and I can't put forth the effort to seek employment because it's impossible for me to work. Yet the government doesn't see me as disabled because I'm young and they damn sure don't want to have to pay me SSI for years on end. My hands are tied. There is nothing I can do, no one to reach out too.

I've lost my brother this year, lost a part of myself, and now I've lost complete respect for myself as a provider. I'm losing hope that my father is going to recover from the congestive heart failure he experienced back in November. I can't help but wonder if the new year will start out with another loss.:o

I've never felt so helpless in my life. My heart breaks a little more with each passing second. My support system is non existent. How are my kids going to veiw me as a mother when they wake up to no presents, especially my eight year old who coincidentally turns nine on christmas day. What about her birthday? Oh, what is there to do that I haven't thought of to make my children happy on Christmas day?

I'm trying so hard and failing every time, yet I seem to be the only damn adult in this house that cares or seems to worry, and yet I'm the only adult that is limited at what I can do. I hate being disabled, and being labeled as a "cripple". When christmas arrives, I'll obtain a lot more labels from the ones I love the most, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.


Recommended Comments

This was absolutely heartbreaking to read.. There's not alot of support I can offer, and I can see you are hurting so much, it's painful to see.. I just hope help comes along for you, I will be praying for you.. Whatever happens, I hope things turn around in the new year.. I hope you find the help you need, I hope your partner finds work, I hope your kids have a good year..

Link to comment

I couldn't possibly accept but know that I am deeply touched. Thank you guys so much. I don't want things to get more complicated than they already are. I was just letting my feelings out in this blog, I didn't intend for this all to happen. God bless each and every one of you. Thank you so much for your kindness.

Link to comment

That’s a very tough place to be, Jenna. I hope you know you have support here if nothing else. A christmas birthday, huh? Tell your daughter to be prepared to hear the phrase “oh, you’re a christmas baby” every time she fills out a form for anything or has to show her ID :). I hope you can trust that things will work out and children don’t hate their parents for being poor. If you love your kids and can show them that—then that’s more important than anything. I know being a parent is filled with things that make you feel guilty at every turn. But in a way, sometimes that in and of itself is a sign that you love them.

Can I make a suggestion? Do with it what you will, because I don’t really know enough about your relationship with your husband to be imparting advice, I’m only speaking from a personal past experience, but… It sounds like you are the one left making things happen and he isn’t pulling his weight. Is that correct? Sometimes, it’s almost easier to be a single parent. I’m not saying to leave him, but sometimes if you let go of feeling responsible for doing things for him (applying for jobs for him and etc), and instead just think of yourself as being responsible for you and your kids only, then you might find relief of a burden and he just might get his act together. I know the difficult part of that is that you NEED him to get his act together. But the question to ask is—is doing it for him working and what is it doing to you? Can you let go enough to let him deal with the consequences of his own actions (or inactions?) If he is not contributing, then you are already getting by without his help anyway.

I’m sure you’ve gone down the list of ways to get assistance…but, have you tried WIC? Food stamps? Anything like that yet? I’m not sure what else to suggest. Sometimes there are free things to do with kids for the holidays—a holiday parade, looking at christmas lights, things like that. Just being with your kids can be a gift to them. Or entrust them with something sentimental that belongs to you for a gift. Things like that can mean more than stuff from a store.

You’re not in an easy place at all. I am sorry you have to endure this. You’ve got my sympathy, for sure. Hang in there. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

Link to comment

Of course it is your choice, Jenna. My offer remains if you change your mind. I hope you can share some quality time with the children on Christmas. Read some books with them. Hot chocolate maybe? And know that your love and guidance is the best gift of all. I hope things ease for you and the road ahead becomes brighter. Take gentle care.

Link to comment

Oh Jenna, I feel for you. I'm reminded of an oscar winning movie quite a few years back called "It's a Beautiful Life". A father and his boy were in a concentration camp and he made up this fantasy that it was all a game. So for the child, there was no concentration camp. My point is this: there is an incredible urge for us as parents to protect our kids from the 'ugly' side of life: Poverty, war, bad people. We just don't want them to have to experience any of that. But as others have said here, showing your love is the most important thing. If there are no (or few) presents, it will teach your children the value of an education and a job. I know that won't do much to ease your pain and guilt but at least it's something. There are things my kids shouldn't have had to see but they have. I at least try to teach them the lesson in it in the hopes that they can avoid the situation. Kids are resilient - far more then adults. As long as they know they are loved, that's pretty much all that matters in the long run.

One of these years, I'd like to forgo presents altogether and go do some charitable work together on Christmas Day. I haven't found the venue yet but maybe someday. How a very special baby being born on Christmas day became a retailers' main marketing machine is beyond me. It really does bother me sometimes. I love the lights, the carols, the once a year effort to connect with those who don't live near us and the get togethers with those who do. But I could do without the constant in-your-face advertising to buy stuff that most of us don't really need anyway.

But yes, it would be nice to have a few presents for the kids. It is such a special time of year for them and it breaks our hearts as parents if they don't get at least a little something on Christmas day. I will make the same offer as others here. A little something for your kids. Keep in mind - accepting kindness from others this time of year IS a part of what Christmas is about. Some day you will have a chance pay it forward. Please think about it.

Link to comment

I am absolutely in tears. Never in my life have I ever had people be so kind and offer me help, not even my family. Some may consider it greedy prayer, but I've prayed for help or a way to provide for my children so much. I've prayed for a miracle. I've cried, I've thought about how my daughter would have to do without christmas and a birthday, and having to cope with her cousins and her uncle not being there for the first time. She's struggled as much as I have since Charlie died, and I've sat waiting and worrying about how the realization of his absence will set in on Christmas and her birthday for her. I've also battled with the fact that I know her father, whom I divorced six years ago has no problems providing a Christmas for her and a birthday, and how he enjoys skipping child support payments at such a crucial time.

As I was putting my son down to bed, moved by the kindness all of you have shown, I realized that maybe this is the miracle I was praying for. It reminded me of a Christmas play I was in at church as a child. God was turned away by a man on three occasions because he came in different forms that the man didn't accept, and then he questioned God as to why he didn't come to him. It was then God told him he came three different times and was turned away each time. I am so emotional!

Tis the season and God bless you all. I don't know how to go about this at all. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion right now, but it's beautiful. So many of you have offered to help. I will accept some help but how.

Oh Lord bless you all. You are so kind. I'm so....... THANKFUL!

Im sorry if this is so unorganized, I'm just......

Link to comment

As I was putting my son down to bed' date=' moved by the kindness all of you have shown, I realized that maybe this is the miracle I was praying for. It reminded me of a Christmas play I was in at church as a child. God was turned away by a man on three occasions because he came in different forms that the man didn't accept, and then he questioned God as to why he didn't come to him. It was then God told him he came three different times and was turned away each time.[/quote'] You got it.

Link to comment

I have to say, Jenna, that allowing me to offer something to you and your family during this holiday season would surely be my greatest Christmas gift. I have a daughter who will be 10 in January...about a year older than yours. A Christmas birthday. That's pretty special.

Take care of yourself. ((((hugs))))

Link to comment

My heart goes out to you and your family Jenna :)

I wish there was something useful that I could suggest.

A few years back my children and I were homeless, well we were in a womens refuge - and money was extremely tight. We had lost everything just a few weeks before, due to having to leave the last refuge after being found again. Christmas was approaching and with 3 little ones to care for and trying to get together just the basics of my childrens needs - like clothes and a few toys for everyday use, that plus I was due to give birth in the next month or so - it was more than daunting. I had no money at all to buy christmas presents.

The guilt I felt was overwhelming.

Yet when christmas day came, and I had managed to somehow find the time to make a few toys (very basic toys at that) and we spent the day playing musical chairs, musical bumps, and other games. The kids and I really enjoyed ourself and we spent most of the day giggling.

It was one of the best christmases i'd ever experienced. Coz it was filled with joy and love - and those things dont cost a darn thing - yet mean ever so much :)

I am sorry that things are so very harsh for you Jenna - and i truely hope that better days come your way very soon :)

Take care

Link to comment

WELL......are you gonna give us your address or should I hire an FBI agent...?

Don't let me go to such extremes, Jenna. I am not really nice when I am angry (typical weird Svetlana's sense of humor).

Seriously, girl, it is the 14th already.

And like Athena said, you can give forward to others when you can :(

Link to comment
(typical weird Svetlana's sense of humor).

I think your sense of humour is :cool: :)

Seriously, girl, it is the 14th already.

And like Athena said, you can give forward to others when you can :)

Count me in too, I'd be more than willing to help :(

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...