Have you ever been completely dependent on something?
I have never liked the thought of depending on something. Especially a drug. It actually REALLY bothers me. I can't count how many times I've tried to stop taking my Luvox in the past 3 years. Every time, though, I end up having terrible cold sweats, high fevers, and complete restlessness. Not to mention ridiculous anxiety that I can't control. I absolutely hate the fact that my body is so dependent on this medication. And that I have to take it every single day so that I can act like a functioning human being.
On top of that, it dawned on me today that I am probably 100% addicted to over the counter sleeping pills. (Unisom) I don't look to see what the long term side-affects may be, because honestly, I don't want to know. I've gone through 96 pills in 31 days. Seeing my empty bottle of sleeping pills tonight is what made me realize how much I depend on them to put me to sleep.
Not only do they put me to sleep, but I really enjoy the way they make me feel the hour or so before I fall asleep. I guess it's a form of a high...? I've never been one to want to do drugs or have an addictive personality. Of course, I experimented a little as a teenager with marijuana, shrooms, molly, and alcohol.. but never anything crazy. I drink wine every now and then, but it's definitely not something I do everyday or even every week. I have never, ever smoked a cigarette in my life, and don't plan to. I don't feel like I need a drug to deal with my anxiety, but I do look forward to taking my sleeping pills as night, and just relaxing. That's the feeling they give me.. relaxation.
I understand that this is a form of addiction, and soon... the pills probably won't work anymore unless I'm taking like, 5-6 at a time. I don't want it to get to that. I have had sleeping problems for as long as I can remember. The doctors I've seen have prescribed me Lunesta, (which I loved...) but insurance won't pay for it anymore, and Ambien, which just makes me very nauseous.
Now, don't think I haven't ever tried natural ways to get to sleep. I've tried meditation, reading before bed, exercising before bed, and melatonin. Nothing else seems to help.
I just wanted to get it out, and off of my chest that I'm addicted to sleeping pills. Maybe actually writing about it, and now keeping it all in my head, will help me stop and ween myself down.