I'm just writing this to get it out. I don't expect anyone to read it or care, but I don't want to let it fester inside me anymore. I wondered if posting here might help.
I was supposed to go on vacation in a week and a half. I've been looking forward to it for a year now -- work has been so tough, and my personal life is a disaster...and that's where the problem comes in. My husband and I aren't getting along at all anymore. He announced he does not want to spend the vacation with me. If I go, he won't, and if he goes, I can't. It's fully paid for, and non-refundable. If we both don't go, it's money wasted. If I go (meaning he can't), I know what I'm likely to hear later: I made his life a misery, and then I ran off on vacation. Even if he never says that, I'd think it myself and it would eat me alive. So, I told him to go. It sounds trivial, but I hurt every time I think of it. Him doing all the things I looked forward to, and now can't.
OK, so that's trivial. It's just vacation. There will be other times, other trips, if I want them. Then there's the rest of everything. My husband has decided that I need to apologize and make amends for literally everything I have ever done wrong in our marriage (and we've been together a long time, and I've done a lot wrong). Not only to I have to apologize, to his satisfaction, but I have to find some way to "give back" to him for all those wrongs. I've tried, but nothing I come up with is satisfactory to him. So, he's angry all the time and says I only care about myself, because if I cared about him I would be able to figure out what to give him.
And there's my life. Go to work, struggle through, with no break to look forward to, and go home to someone who thinks (and repeatedly tells me) that I'm a selfish bitch and with whom I cannot make peace, no matter how hard I try.
Each day, I feel like I'm dying a little more. Becoming more broken. Some day, soon, there will be nothing left of me to repair.