I'm sorry, Solstice. You know I lived the gender-reversed version of this (though the ex never risked me going on vacation without her, so maybe she's not stupid.) ;-)

Can you see it as a week's vacation, spent at home? If it's non-refundable, does that mean it's not alterable at all (such as each going to a different destination)?

Someone who insists that you don't care about them risks eventually making it true. But it's their risk.

Do you die if you stop being married? That's the sort of thing I used to think ... translated, of course, into other terms. All I could think about were all the difficulties of getting divorced. But somehow, I didn't think about the difficulty of being dead, which is that you never wake up.

Hang in there, friend.

Thanks, Mark. I know your story tracks mine, though it appears you were smart enough to get out, and I'm not there, yet.

I am trying to look at it as a vacation, of sorts, at home -- I'll still work, since I'm so busy that I can't justify burning vacation time to sit at home, but I'm trying to come up with fun things I can do to make it a little better. And no, there's no way to change it so one of us goes one place and the other goes somewhere else. So he'll go, and I'll stay, and I guess that's the grown up thing to do.

I'm trying to convince myself that not staying married is not the end of my life (or the world, as it sometimes seems). In a lot of ways, I'd like to be divorced and be done with this. I don't think I love him anymore, though I still love who he used to be (or who I thought he was). Problem is, though, I do care about him. And as I think I've said before in this forum, he relies on me financially in every way. Health insurance, income, everything. If I leave, it will have a devastating impact on him -- no, that's really not an exaggeration. Plus, I've come to believe him: that everything that's bad is my fault. Yeah, I know, my higher brain tells me that's not possible, but the codependent part of me that my therapist is chipping away at tells me it's all my fault and I can't ruin someone's life and then walk away. So I stay. I keep staying. I really think it's killing me, but I can't force myself to do the right thing.

Well, I wish I could "blame" the successful [sic] outcome of my marriage on my having acquired intelligence, but what really happened is that she filed a protective order so that I was forced to leave. Call it inspiring ...

Maybe he needs to wake up to the fact that your leaving would have a devastating effect on him. Or maybe that's why he's being such a jerk ... because he knows already.

Your solution _is_ the grown-up one, which only leaves the question of why you want to stay with a child. You didn't somehow ruin him and make him a child, after all. He managed that by himself.

Anyway, I apologize because I'm being rather direct about my opinion here. It certainly is possible for people to straighten out an unhappy marriage. You're the one who has to do the deciding, and I don't need to make you feel worse about the decision you're currently making.

Hang in there.

Protective orders can be very inspiring... (though, in all seriousness, I'm sorry you had to go through that)

Please don't apologize for being direct. What you're writing makes sense.

It's a strange thing. I'm a smart person, and I can look at all this intellectually and realize what a destructive child he is being, and how impossible his standards are. I can put on my old "psych major" hat and understand the things that make him do what he does. It's all very clear.

But then the other part of me kicks in, and tells me he's right, I'm wrong, I can't leave, I am the cold, hateful bitch he says I am...and that's all I can hear. I hope, with therapy, that will change. I kind of doubt it right now.

See how you feel with a little space apart from each other, Solstice

But then the other part of me kicks in' date=' and tells me he's right, I'm wrong, I can't leave, I am the cold, hateful bitch he says I am...and that's all I can hear. I hope, with therapy, that will change. I kind of doubt it right now.[/quote']

Maybe you heard similar criticisms in the past? Could leaving him be frightening on some level? I hope you will keep challenging those negative thoughts.

I'm sorry about your vacation. That must be very disappointing.

It is good to hear from you. I hope things look up for you soon.

Well, wearing your psych major hat (which I'm now forced to imagine what one looks like ...) is more useful when working on one's own issues. Other people are easy. :-) But they're also not ours to change ...

To avoid echoing Beth directly, I could ask instead: what's that "other part", the critical part, of you called? What hat is it wearing? Perhaps its name might tell you something useful about its origins and purpose. Knowing its purpose, you might be able to satisfy it a different way ... which some call finding a more successful coping mechanism.

i'm about to chime in with an unsolicited opinion that will be of zero use. so be it.

Considering he is unable to grow a pair to look after himself in the smallest way, it would seem to me that it was you, Soltice, that EARNED the vacation, in every sense of the word. Tell him to earn his own vacation-inconsiderate infintile prick.

Thinking of you, Solstice