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nightmares or visions


Ralph

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Images may be creative energy that is not being expressed, then finds an outlet in the darkest quadrant of my emotional life. It would explain why they are alternately terrifying and compelling. Then again a number of possibilities could explain that. I feel like I'm getting closer. I must make friends with the images or they will continue to trouble me. Shit they are there no matter how weird that is so I might as well learn how to work with them.

And I have no excuses now because my meds are working. Although I have intrusive thoughts telling me to commit suicide I can clearly see them as intrusive thoughts and not my discursive thinking, which is nice. Just don't want to be too dependent on the meds, but three separate doctors think I need to be on them so maybe it's a needed crutch. I mean you need a crutch when your leg is broken right?

I am thankful I've got something that helps instead of making it worse and that I can afford it unlike most people in my condition. Yet the perfectionist in me wants to be perfect and not have this condition in the first place. Then again it's a slippery slope to accept things - should I let people take advantage of me just because hey nobody's perfect?

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I'm no medication expert, but I believe certain medications help make necessary connections in the brain. So perhaps there is a different way to consider them? Can you find a place of acceptance with yourself in this?

Take care.

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Well, if you take it to extremes, a human is a remarkably inefficient chemical process that wears clothes. So, not going to be perfect, no matter what.

That's no reason to let people take advantage, though. They're just chemical bags who dress funny, too. :-)

Instead of slippery slope, I'd call it a continuum, a spectrum. Everything's a continuum, in that sense. And our job is to pick a balance point on each one, and the sum of all those choices is ... us.

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The perfectionist in me helped me get along when I was a kid, get approval and appreciation, and avoid the disorienting effects of disapproval and the terrors of feeling unloved. But there’s a bit of the demon in mine – it kills off other feelings in order for me to stay on the straight and narrow. I still have the perfectionist and its demon part. Sometimes, on some things, a perfectionist approach is useful.

But not in human relationships, I think, or in evaluating who we are. And if other people are not perfect, either, and among their imperfections is a tendency to take advantage of us – well, I think we can accept them for who they are – imperfect and manipulating sometimes -- and still put “boundaries” on doing certain things with and for them. I’m still very much new to all this. Boundaries and distancing – another kind of continuum, maybe? Not all or nothing.

Maybe there will be a time to get off meds when the jagged edges come together?

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I'll need to learn to accept myself on meds. Right now it's a matter of drawing the line between using drugs as an addict vs using drugs as someone who needs medicine to be well.

Boundaries - I haven't figured that out yet. I know I'm s'posed to have them, but not how to set and stick to them.

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