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Apart


Ralph

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Boyfriend came and went, had a good visit and not depressed now although I feel the pain of separation. If I stay sober today then it will be 15 days clean. I really, really want to get smashed but don't want the hangover and don't want alcohol to interfere with my meds, so I am going to stay clean and see after thirty days whether my mood symptoms improve or not.

When I am not suicidal I start thinking of what my life should be about. You know if it's not going to be about dying at a relatively young age, it should be about something more than just work, buy, consume, die, as the bumper sticker so aptly puts US lifestyle.

But what is there to live for? Lost my interests due to depression, working on recovering those, but still doesn't seem a reason to live - just for music or some other pleasure. I guess this can work for the particularly talented but I am not one of them. Wrote a plan here a while ago, need to find that and see how I'm doing. Need to learn how to plan in general. Gets overwhelming as soon as I try when I have tried recently. Well, current plan is to hit the gym and get active to prevent depression from coming back. Then assess strengths and somehow get laundry done. Every once in a while I feel like I can get through this. I'm trying to train myself to think like that more often.

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Ralph, Lana, I have asked this before but I will ask it again. "If you knew for certain that you were placed on this Earth to be someone's Angel, to save a life, to save the World, would you treat yourself with greater care? Love yourself a little more, be more patient with you?" Then my other question was and still is, "Do you know with any certainty that that is not the case?"

You both contribute so much to this forum and perhaps you are both already responsible for saving a life or two. It makes it difficult to believe that you don't carry the same worth into your real lives and cannot find value and purpose.

Be good to you and live for the hope of an answer

:)

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Frazzled, hi :)

Thank you for your input. I usually have these kind of thoughts when I am depressed. I comes and goes. I get busy with life and push them away.

To answer your question.... If I knew for sure what my purpose in life is, then yes, but thinking wether or not there is a one, does not do me any good. Sometimes it feels like I am just moving through my life as a robot who does not know any better.

And btw, thank you! So glad to have you here :)

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Glad to be of help Lana. I think we all feel that way sometimes, like automatons running around like bees in a hive just a bunch of drones with no purpose unto ourselves. I think that comes from spending too much time in our comfort zone or too much time out of it. But what do I know? :)

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I simply mean routines. The things we frequently do the places we regularly find ourselves. Familiarity breeds contempt and all. Then again at the end of the day there's no place like home. I guess what I am saying is that we need balance.

Me personally, I love visitors. I love to see them come and I love to see them go. I love exercise, pushing myself you know. But I also love to lounge the day away in my pajamas. I am at my best when I am away from either extreme but it is easy to stay distanced from the extremes if you are regularly pushing to create a greater distance between the extremes.

Does that make any sense at all? :)

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Yes, it sure does. I just wanted to make sure I understand what you meant. Very interesting philosophy Frazzled.

My home is my "safe harbor" where I hide from everything. This is the place where I feel balanced, except when I am in my obsessive cleaning mode, which comes from anxiety.

Sorry Ralph for using your blog to my advantage :)

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Ralph wrote (sorry I can't find how to quote it directly):

"When I am not suicidal I start thinking of what my life should be about. You know if it's not going to be about dying at a relatively young age, it should be about something more than just work, buy, consume, die, as the bumper sticker so aptly puts US lifestyle."

I’m having a tough time with this one, too. I’m off my depression meds and personality issues are getting better (I think) but then what?

My cats don’t seem to have any problems like that. There are 5 of them – a mother and 4 of her offspring. The 4 “kittens” have known me since they were born and vice versa. I look into their eyes and they look into mine and they are definitely people in there. But most of their lives are full of cat things – naps, territory surveillance and defense, etc.

With all our wonderful intelligence and civilization, life for most humans isn’t so much determined by what we do to survive physically. We have the human being chore of finding meaning.

I think it would be great if I could just find the right book to tell me what to do. I’ve tried religion and 12-steps (no, I’m not an addict, it is another program) but my own individual belief system makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve come across. I can’t be a true believer in any of the other systems.

When my late husband was alive I didn’t need to belong to any other social groups, although we did participate in a church. Now I feel alone and purposeless. My beliefs suggest that, maybe, eventually, God or Higher Power or just the Universe will cause a sense of purpose and direction to form in me. It hasn’t happened yet. But maybe, like falling in love, until it happens you can’t know what it is. Sure is hard longing for something and not finding it, though.

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devil'sdaughter wrote:

my own individual belief system makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve come across. I can’t be a true believer in any of the other systems.

DD, I like that. I think we all could use a belief system of our own.

Ralph, all you can do is what you believe to be best for you. Push yourself to do the hard things and keep your friends handy for the times when you feel weak. Even if those friends are just us :) The Forum's not so bad at providing a friend or two

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DD, I adore cats and had dozens while I was growing up. They are amazing to observe.

I have always felt that being open to potential makes just about anything possible. Very challenging if one is in a deep depression, though. My life took on an entirely new and eventually very positive direction as a result of something that was initially quite devastating to me. That painful experience led me to the path I walk on today. I found my way to me. I have to say it's pretty cool.

Maybe it's also about being open to oneself?

I hope you feel better, Ralph.

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Ralph, Lana, I have asked this before but I will ask it again. "If you knew for certain that you were placed on this Earth to be someone's Angel, to save a life, to save the World, would you treat yourself with greater care? Love yourself a little more, be more patient with you?" Then my other question was and still is, "Do you know with any certainty that that is not the case?"

When I was very young I thought I could and should save the world. I grew up to learn the world isn't interested in being saved. If I was here to save a life then it would seem more possible. If I knew what my purpose was I would probably work to get it fulfilled right away so I could get it over with, which again is a wish for life to be over but not to bear the stigma of suicide.

Would I treat myself with greater care? I wish I knew how. I believe that every human being deserves to be treated gently and with respect and I am trying to do that for myself as well as for others. I guess I still have a ways to go in learning how though. Still the point is nobody lives forever. What I'm trying to figure out is what do I want to do with my time while I still have my health, otherwise I'm just sitting around consuming and waiting for death. Maybe until I can figure it out I can focus on being the best person I can be but that seems like I'm still directionless.

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Being the best person you can sounds good, Ralph. It isn't directionless, it is hopeful. Even the attempt to be more than you are, regardless of aim, is in itself a sign of faith.

Take care

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Ralph, I just came across this as I was researching for my classes. I don't think it really matters if you believe in God or what you call Him if you do. Descartes makes a lot of sense if you can figure out what he is saying. Anyway I thought of you when I got to this part and thought I'd share.

When asking whether God's works are perfect, I ought to look at all of them together, not at one isolation. For something that seems imperfect when viewed alone might seem completely perfect when regarded as having a place in the world. Of course, since calling everything into doubt, I haven't established that anything exists besides me and God. But, when I consider God's immense power, I can't deny that He has made — or, in any case, that He could have made — many other things, and I must therefore view myself as having a place in a universe. (Descartes, Meditation IV: On Truth and Falsity).

I hope you understand and can use this :)

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I understand this. Descartes makes sense to me. However, he is talking about finding a place and I am looking for a direction. Victor Frankl says the individual must answer that question (give his/her own life a point), but I think the answer is not so much given as it is discovered. I need to discover my own, and soon.

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Are you thinking in concrete purposes Ralph? I kinda think that the point or purpose of life is indefinite, flexible. And maybe instead of looking for it as if there is/has been one now and thus far, you could create one that will do until you find another (or it finds you).

This morning, as most others, I got out of bed because it hurt me to continue to be there. I have school work to do and my house is a mess due to painting and new carpeting so MY purposes for the day are to learn, to clean and I always try to find a pearl in the day, something that stands out as a silver lining sort of like where's Waldo :) I always find it too. Maybe not in the moment, sometimes it is in retrospect. Hindsight IS 20/20

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It hurts me to get out of bed, not stay in it ;-). I was thinking about a personal mission, you know like world peace or end hunger or advance scientific knowledge type of thing. I feel like I need something big like that as a central anchor to organize my life around, yet I can't find anything that resonates with me enough to generate that level of commitment. You are right that I needn't assume it to be singular and unchanging, and maybe it could be something a little more achievable than uniting all mankind. Still, one must have dreams in order to get out of bed.

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