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Five years after my first serious OCD crisis.Why memories still hurts?I cant forget crying and running in the rain trying to stop these bad thoughts.I cant escape from feeling that Im too bad person. :(


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I'm sorry you still feel like this :(...

Why would you be "a bad person"? Is it just a general feeling, or you have some concrete memories where you seem "bad" or where others tell you so?

Did you talk about those memories with somebody?

Take care!

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Maybe the family members are not ideal to share this kind of thoughts and memories with (?)... They might, for instance, feel that their own version of truth is put in danger and denying other perspectives.

When you talked about it - what precisely did you expect / wanted from those who were listening?

Maybe you're not ready to express how you felt, but maybe those people are not ready to "hear" it - I don't know... I just suggest you to consider also this second option, not so see a priori a problem in yourself.

Would you like to share more about it here, with us?

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Well my OCD started after fight between my parents and this thought"if I hurt somebody"came in my head and I coudnt stop it.I was crying all night feeling like bad person.Things become so worse I couldnt even be in one room with my family.Every day was nightmare for me.Ive started burning myself,because I wanted to punish myself.

I talked one night with my mother when I was out of control,my body was shaking.My head was full with pictures - me doing something bad.I dont know what I expected from her,maybe understanding.But she said Im bad and I dont love my family.This just broke me.

Next day after school is so blur in my mind.I just remember myself walking and crying.I wanted to end everything.I felt scared,confused.I cant write more,I dont feel strong enough to remember :(

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It's OK; you don't have to write more than you feel "comfortable" to remember and share.

I'm so sorry that your parents gave you this awful, wrong message :(. It's logical that we take judgements that our parents tell us, because they are for us - during childhood - the ones whose opinion matters the most. This way, many damages can be done when the parents are... well... "not good enough to be parents", so to say - unable to handle some situations, unable to support the child, understand his/her (at least basic) needs, ... However, when grown-up, we can "unlearn" what they leared us by their bad, wrong "messages" (both verbal and non-verbal). I hope that rationally, you can understand that your mom was wrong when saying that you're a bad person. She might think that she was "educating" you that way - teaching you that "it's bad to have this kind of thoughts", but she didn't see what your real problem was! Her reaction was inappropriate; you needed love and reassurance that you're good and you would not do anything bad - that those thoughts and fantasied were only a reaction to the stress in your family, perhaps your loss of feeling of safety and/or of being loved and cared for. But I think it's not very probable that you can now explain it to her - she would have to change quite a lot to be able to understand it now (did she?). However, you can understand it better. You can learn to "process" your past so that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It's much harder now, as you're still in the same environment, with your family who's (almost?) the same as it used to be, but... I think you can help yourself at least a bit by understaning more about what's unhealthy in your environment and maybe also why (did your parents have disfunctional families, too? - for instance). I know that understanding it rationally isn't "the solution", as some emotions remain and... what's the most important is a kind of emotional experience that helps you to heal not only by correcting your thoughts, but also by influencing your emotions...

I'm sorry, I don't remember if you have been in therapy... Have you?

In any case, I think that you need also to express your feelings, to share them with somebody who understands, ... It's great if it's a good therapist, as his feedback can be very valuable and powerful. But you might try it also with a close friend or here...

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Expressing feelings here has helped me a lot, even though I am also in therapy. So if you want to try to do that some more it may help. Just expressing feelings sometimes helps me . . . it’s like a way for my feeling self to communicate to my thinking self. Very strange but seems to help. And getting comments from others has also helped, if somebody does comment, even if I don’t agree with their point of view – it gives me some other perspective.

My guess . . . which may not agree with your experience, but it’s what I have to offer from mine . . is that after the fight you felt hurt. And that naturally (despite what your mother might think) leads to (a little) activation of a “fight” system in the brain. Think about it yourself for a minute. . . even though you love your family, if somebody hurts you, there’s something just self-protective that is built into us to want to protect ourselves and strike back. Doesn’t mean we actually do it. And so I’m guessing that’s what happened after the fight – and then, because you didn’t really want to hurt your family, you got scared when that thought entered your head.

I’m so extraordinarily sad for you that your mother didn’t understand when you tried to explain things to her. From my perspective, you really do love your family – that’s why it was so freaky to you to think “if I hurt somebody”, because you felt hurt, and so . . . you hurt yourself instead.

Maybe this doesn’t make sense to you . . . maybe that’s not the way things are for you . . . but I’ve lived with this kind of anger-at-others-turned-against-myself for a long time, and I’ve read a lot about it, and I finally pretty much know that neither I nor the people I was mad at are “bad”. Just very, very limited and confused sometimes. And that’s sad. . .but bearable, and then we go on.

I’m sorry things have been so tough but I’m glad to read some more about how things have been for you my friend.

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I'm sorry that you are feeling upset. :(

Have you been diagnosed with OCD, Andromeda?

It sounds as though the conflict with your parents was quite traumatic for you. Did you mean watching your parents fight or that you were arguing with your parents? I'm sorry if I'm understanding wrong.

I think it's important to remember that thoughts are just thoughts and do not attach to your person. I'm sorry that your mother said what she said to you. :( Her words most likely reflect her lack of understanding of your experience and they do not reflect on you or your worth as a human being. No other person can tell you how you feel; only you know how you feel.

Are you able to do anything now that helps you to achieve balance when you are feeling such distress?

Take care.

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Thank you all for being so kind with me.

Ive never been on therapy.My family was sure there is no need.So Im not diagnosed with OCD,but I read a lot about it.I have obsessions and a lot compulsions(rituals).Compulsions make me look really strange in peoples eyes.My father even hit me,because he think I just want to be interesting.He cant understand that Im doing them,because I feel a lot anxiety.

Im trying to believe Im not so bad.But its hard.I think I understand it with my mind,but my feelings are so mixed.

IJ,I watched my parents fight.But this was something normal in my family.

Lala,my mother always said that she had good childhood,but I dont know anything about my father.I dont know his family they live in another country.But he acts strange and he is aggressive sometimes and Im sure something was wrong with his family

Well,I think I achieve balance when I write.Sometimes I write only words without so much meaning,but this makes me feel more calm.

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I'm pleased that you feel balanced and calmed when writing! :) Maybe it would be helpful to write more ;)! I like to read what you write, I like to get to know you better (and "it seems" I'm not the only one here ;).)

It's good that you've read a lot about OCD; it's usually better to gain such insights into our troubles - mainly when there's nobody who understands and could explain it to us in person. I'm glad that you already know that it's not your fault that you've behaved the way you have (-the rituals...). It's just a maladaptive coping mechanism.

Would you mind to describe your "rituals"?

If therapy is unavailable to you, you might look for a good self-help book. Maybe there are some mentioned in the "Recommended reading" thread here - I'm not sure if there are some exactly about OCD, but surely about anxiety, ...

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Frequent low levels of trauma, such as the experience of watching your parents fight, can have a lasting effect on a person. I'm sorry you went through that. :(

Compulsions and rituals are behaviors that relieve feelings of anxiety, I believe. Do you know what you are feeling anxious about or is your anxiety more generalized? I agree that learning more about what you've been struggling with can be empowering to you.

It's great that you find writing helpful. I find it very helpful too. It helps me to process my feelings and sometimes I even figure things out as I write. If writing feels calming to you, it offers you a tool to use during times of stress.

I hope your day is serene. Take care.

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Just a remark:

I'm sorry for a sentence in my previous post - I was wrong, so now I deleted it. I don't know why I had forgotten for some time (-while writing the post) that you had mentioned self-injury :( and I wrote that I hope you hadn't self-injured.

Do you still self-harm, or it's a past, just memories, now?

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You dont have to be sorry,Lala.

Last time when I self-injured was in January.Im trying to distract myself with something.But I want to do it every time when I feel bad. :( I dont know if I feel worse I dont think I will be strong enough not to do it.

My rituals are most cheaking something,Repeatedly opening of some books.Sometimes I read one page a lot times and so on.These rituals makes me tired.Im always late when I have to go somewhere and I cant sleep if everything is not "right".

Things that makes me anxious are different.Most worse of course is that if I dont do some ritual I will hurt somebody.I know how stupid it is.But anxiety is unbearable when Im not doing ritual

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Wow - it's great that you haven't done it since January! :)

Have you read some advises how to cope with SI urges? Have you tried some? Maybe the next time an urge like this comes, you could try to overcome it and see that nothing bad will happen.

I know the feeling of wanting to punish myself. However, you can also do it by much less cruel means - give yourself two slaps for instance... (?)

Those rituals are interesting. Would you mind to talk about them a bit more? For instance; have the books a significant meaning for you? Do you read something special, or just anything "to keep your mind busy"?

You said you've read a lot about OCD. Have you seen also some advises how to overcome it?

As far as I know (but I'm a laic, of cource), it's important both to overcome the underlying anxiety and to get rid of the ritual itself. But it depends on the source of the anxiety - if it's mainly "in you head", it's easier, because then you may use some technics to get rid of the ritual and seeing that "nothing bad happens without it" would be a good proof that you don't need it and you can cope without it. In your case, it seems that your family is the main source of the anxieties, although they seem "re-directed" - simply said; you don't fear the family members and their impact on you, but rather... (you know) So, elimination the rituals without having a new, better coping strategy could be, in my eyes, potentialy "dangerous" / not beneficial. As far as I know, this "new coping strategy" should include your understanding, higher awarness about the anxiety and it's reasons and the real risks/dangers - as, for instance, now you're scared that you might hurt somebody, so what you should "learn" is also that you would not hurt anybody; that you can imagine it, you may be angry at some people, but this all is unable to force you to do them harm against your will. Please, do notice and appreciate that the very strong and exhausing reaction of your mind (-the rituals) to the very idea that "you perhaps might hurt somebody" is the best proof that you don't want to do it. And as you don't want to, nothing in you mind could force you to do it.

It occurred to me now that you might try this alternative strategy for the moments when you feel like potentialy hurting someone: You migh buy something similar to "a woo-doo doll" (or it may be any kind of "suitable" object) and in case the will/urge would come, you might do it to that doll instead. I imagine that you wouldn't need to, for instance, read one page of a book on and on, because you would know that: "If I begin to realy feel an urge to do harm, I will do it to that doll, not to a person, so I don't have to fear it." Maybe it's stupid, I know. But maybe it would be an interesting experiment revealing something new about you. What do you think? ;)

BTW, what about the self-help books?

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I dont know what else to say about my rituals.I think Im still not ready to stop them.Maybe I really have to learn more about anxiety,before I try.I understand that my rituals are proof that I wont hurt people i love,but I cant control my feelings.Im so scary sometimes :(

I love reading I read every book I can find.

Ive never read a lot about self-harm,but maybe its good idea.Like I said when I want to SI ,not always,but most times writing helps.I write all feelings and thoughts in my mind.I dont know if this is best way to achieve balans,but its better than SI.

In my country I think its hard to find self-help books,but if I find it will be interesting to read it

Maybe when I feel too scared idea with the doll will help

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In the context of SI: You may try this:

And the self-help books: They may not be in bookstores, but I think you may purchase one on-line: I imagine that Amazon (for instance?) sells books to "every" country (we use it and our country is not very far away (and "very different") from yours ;), that's why I suppose that maybe it's also available to you)...

It's great that you love reading! (BTW, I was asking about the rituals just to know if it's important for you (-if you can focus on it) what you are reading in that moment, or only the activity itself. I mean if reading helps you to enter "another world" and escape from your own reality. But I don't want to be "obtrusive" with these questions :o; just write what you feel like writing/sharing!)

most times writing helps.I write all feelings and thoughts in my mind.I dont know if this is best way to achieve balance

Writing has always (many years already) worked for me, so I can relate. I still need to write a lot. So I would say: It's one of the best ways! But it's surely just subjective ;). Just do what you feel is helping you without hurting you...

Take care!

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