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Complicated


Ralph

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Not sure where I am at the moment. On the one hand it feels like I am doing better, but on the other hand I've withdrawn deep inside my comfort zone in an effort to avoid my demons. I'm feeling suicidal again but I've learned not to take those thoughts too seriously. It just feels like I'm all alone at times and nobody would miss me, so why do I stick around? I feel a lot of guilt and regret for past decisions I've made that took my life on a downward turn, yet I still think and behave in much the same way. I'm doing okay, but barely. I feel I could have been so much more if I could just focus, but then again maybe mediocrity is the best I'm going to accomplish. It definitely could be much much worse. It's hard to make sense of it. Who was I when I had a bright future? Got to get back to that person if I can.

I have to think I am overall doing better though because I've been sober for the past two weeks. I'm taking a short class on Buddhism right now and looking at suffering in a new way, but there are old habits that make it hard to change.

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"Who was I when I had a bright future?"

Who were you when you stopped seeing that you still do? :-)

It's the same future, I would suggest. Just your view of it has changed ...

I'd try to lose the word "mediocre" as well. You are the same person, whatever course you set. Now, if you don't like your present course, that's fine. You choose; change it if you want. But you remain the same person, so maybe the value judgments apply to behavior rather than who you are inside.

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