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Blog Ralph

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Ralph

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Still improving. I was able to cook for myself a couple times this week. That's always a good sign; it means I have the energy to take care of myself. Wish I could normalize my sleep now. Having problems with insomnia and then not wanting to get up when I finally do get to sleep. I signed up for a keyboarding class through parks and recreation which hopefully will get me out and meeting people who share my interest in music. Have almost a social life now, nothing going on during the weekends but stuff to do almost every night during the work week. I don't see my friends very often, not that I have that many, but this is more like hanging out with new people that I only consider to be acquaintances.

Nonetheless I am isolating over the weekends which I need to address. I am having a hard time staying clean, the obsession with using has been in the forefront of my mind for a couple days now. If I had it around I'd probably be relapsing regardless of the consequences. Except I'm not drinking and I do have that in the house. I really want my drug of choice but I don't have a hookup. I even have cravings to start smoking again although I quit 13 years ago. I think I'm using porn as a replacement as I am going to it more and more often lately.

I want to replace the time I spend on that with something that leads to achieving a goal, either taking more classes or practicing music. I just need to build the structure into my life and I am procrastinating that because I don't know very well what I want to do. Maybe I'm trying to do too much too fast. I want to pretend I'm all better now but I'm only slowly dragging myself out of basically doing nothing. Maybe I'm going too slow though too and should challenge myself more. I don't know what to do.

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Hi Ralph. :)

Maybe it's okay to not put too much pressure on the healing process and yourself?

I did want to thank you for your contributions here. You have a calm and intelligent voice. I hope you are able to connect with that to help yourself as well.

Take care.

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I am trying to help myself, but patience has never been a strength of mine. I'm working on that.

I'm glad my contributions are seen as helpful. I generally respond to threads when I am feeling more clear, but tend to write blogs in whatever state I'm in when I decide to check in. So I could seem more calm in the forums than I do on the blog because I won't respond to someone's forum topic if I'm in a bad state myself.

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