Well, it makes sense that every point of view has its opposite, and if I didn't have (at least) two conflicting ones, there would be no problem.

But what I'm hoping for is a less polarized approach to life. One possibility is that there could be a third party who gets involved, who listens to and accepts both opposites, and works on mediating between them. That's what "parts therapy" (formally called Internal Family Systems therapy) suggests: that there's a part they call Core to which one can go, a center from which a calmer perspective reigns.

It's worth a try, anyway.

Yup. Otherwise, all the prices would have to be in whole dollars. :-P

this part is also fearful...

...One possibility is that there could be a third party who gets involved, who listens to and accepts both opposites, and works on mediating between them.

do you know anyone that could mentor or be a role model for a third party that has insight into fear especially?

It is odd, to me, that I see this in myself but...

Anyway, I hear and feel your pain. I do hope you find your core to go to where a calmer perspective reigns, or you find a mediator and a mentor.

"do you know anyone ...?"

The Panda Warrior? Her bunny pupil? A part of me gets very sad when I ponder the meaning of true courage. Possibly, one who's been exiled for having it ... Nothing is more dangerous to a fearful leader than a follower with true courage.

The leader, then, might have some vulnerability that he fears. Maybe there is room for all feelings and parts. The trick is finding a way to balance everything. Maybe embracing courage helps him rather than endangers him? No one has to lose a voice if we are open to all the parts. Anyhow, I've been trying that (being open to all of myself) and it seems to help me (when I am able to do it) feel more balanced and less conflicted.

The leader is probably a pretty young child. To him, there's room for all the other parts, but they are rooms that lock from the outside, and he has the key.

Sorry to be sarcastic, because you're right, of course, about balance. Still, I don't feel ready for the high wire. ;-) And embracing courage isn't the problem for him, it's embracing danger. I'd do fine trying to balance on a wire three inches off the floor ...

What does he fear in the danger?

The danger!

Okay, so he's not that articulate, and he's probably aware that it'll seem small if put into words.

So it feels minimizing to be forced to do so.

I know I probably sound annoyed. It's just that it turns back to "comforting" again. It's not comforting to put your fear into words, to face it squarely. It's because of comforting, that a person can face it. But there's no comforting to start the process, and therefore no trust that there will ever be any.

It would always be up to him whether to share or express himself. I would never want him to feel minimized in any way.

So maybe then the need to connect with comfort would be first?

Embracing vulnerability and confronting fears. I understand that's hard to do. I still find something beautiful about vulnerability, though. Seeing it in others evokes in me the very thing you're wanting to feel for yourself. The desire to comfort.

I don't know if I'm understanding exactly right, but I want to. I know things work differently for each person. Comfort is something that I can connect with so I was hoping maybe I could help.

I hope you find your way on the path to it.

It sounds as though this part of you stands alone.

There are things we cannot face alone that we can when others are with us.

Possibly, he has never really felt anyone else standing with him. That might be one way of defining "comfort", after all.

Not that no one is standing with him, or trying. Just that the message hasn't got through.

I keep looking back at this.

It's not comforting to put your fear into words, to face it squarely.

Maybe this is a place where another part of you can stand with him? Maybe 'comfort' is something that has to be cultivated as self-compassion does.

Your friends stand with you too. Perhaps when he's ready the message will be clearer to him. That takes as long as he needs it to. We're here.

It's probably because I know my friends stand with me that I'm able to start into working with this guy after forty-plus years. So thank you, seddy, and everyone else who cares about me.

There's also a fear that the fear will turn out to be trivial when put into words, though. The fearful leader knows he'd be in disgrace if that happened. And so, he has yet another fear to work through.

leader, are you clear on who you are leading?

there is such a sense of social context in your blog entry, yet at the same time so much aloneness

if you are alone, who are you leading?

if you are among friends, we walk side by side...

The fearful leader (which is a pretty good part name, for the moment) probably believes we aren't completely safe unless alone. He even exiles parts of me that are too "other". When we were lost, back when I was six, his first thought was to hide rather than seek help.

so he's the leader in ensuring you are alone?

When necessary for safety reasons. So, under threat, or when confused or disturbed.

One of my behaviors, at extreme moments during marital fights, was to just start walking ... away. Direction, survivability, common sense realizations that I'd have to turn around and come back ... none of those were enough to suppress the impulse just to be somewhere else.

Have you ever known him to walk toward something or someone?

"Him"? Attribution is difficult; not sure who led. But he didn't stop me from walking towards some someones. It probably only requires isolation when the threat assessment is higher.

When the threat is high, we may need to be with others to survive.

Then he might not survive.

I was six and lost, and the impulse, his impulse, was to avoid being found.

I've often thought that some other part took a hand, because I hid behind a clear glass door, but the impulse to be as invisible as possible during the danger period can't be denied.

It sounds dissociative maybe?

I say that not to be scary but because that's how I get when I am at my worst and feeling threatened by others.

Is fearful leader afraid he is in trouble?

It's hard to say whether it's "dissociative". All parts work sounds a little dissociative, to me.

Dissociating from the rest of humanity, maybe.

Maybe he's hiding from punishment, from having gone too far and expecting the worst. Not totally sure that it's a punishment from the person he wants to find him (like parents in the childhood getting-lost scenario) or whatever bad thing befalls children who get too far from home. Hiding would be effective against both.