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same ol' same ol'



Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops!

Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really.

And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im not even sure if i like and certainly dont love. He just asked, and like a idiot I said yes, coz it was easier than saying hell no, not in this lifetime ya friggin' weirdo.

To be fair its not him thats weird but possibly ME!

I mean what nearly forty year old does anyone know, that runs round like a teenager looking for nothing but the next laugh, and bit of excitement, knowing the consequences but not giving a stuff about them anyway????

My therapist probably thinks Im as mad as they come, and is almost certainly correct on that score. Especially when all I can do is smile and grin like a stupid cc, when I recollect the crap Ive been up to of late.Even though I know its wrong. It just dont stop me!!!!

Even now as I sit here typing, trying to - I dont know give myself some sort of reality check, a huge part of me is thinking about just going out tonight and bullshitting my way to yet another hangover in the morning and no doubt embarrasing myself beyond caring.

I actually wonder if I even care anymore what happens, a part of me must surely care a little or why would I bother even typing in here, or continue with councelling. But whats the point if I cant even try hard enough to keep myself outta bother, gotta ask what good could it possibly do?

I thought that this year would be different for me, and in a way I suppose it kinda is, Im just finding new ways to mess up whats left of my life - Yay me!

I sound pathetic.


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Hi Big Sis,

Things havnt realy been rough - just a tad all over the gaff. And me behaving stupidly hasnt helped my situation any - if at all. I kinda did what ever it is Ive been doing, and now things are a tad messy.

Suppose I just need to do a bit of self house work :) and clean up my act a lot!!!

Yep I love reading, only nonsecal, unemportant stuff thats funny tho, I havnt the brain power for anything I gotta really concentrate on - go figure.

And yep, plenty of paint, thats something else I started and never got round to finishing, decorating my place - I lost heart in it. My pottery group is going well tho :)

Hope yer ok Big Sis, sorry Im in a bit of a bum mood lately

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Funny books are my favorite! Do you like PG Wodehouse? That Jeeves could clean up our lives :D

Are you doing pottery on the wheel or slab or??? Sounds very cool!

Hope you have some signs of spring. We are still under piles of snow.

I always love hearing from you...

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Hi Sue. Is there anything you know of that brings this on? Did something happen? Do you like to write at all? I know sometimes for me if stuff feels too hard, it helps to write something with a bit of fantasy in it just to give myself a little break from the stress.

Have you considered talking with your new fiance and telling him you've reconsidered?

It's good to hear from you. I hope things look brighter for you soon.

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thanks for everyones kindness :), its good to hear from you all, ive missed you.

think, huh, that seems to be the problem lately, I dont think - well not properly.

things just seem to be getting way too much, and quite quickly. the engagement is still on - cant seem to find the words to tell him to just sod off. sounds harsh I know, but its true. and its how I feel. and thats well and truely trapped. its getting harder to have time to myself. s'pose I could run away, i am kinda good at that. and it sure as hell beats being manipulated into doing things I just dont want to do.

ok - stopped whinging now - sorry :(

and big sis, im doing pottery on the wheel - its megga fun - and messy - there is a art to it, and i havnt quite mastered it yet!!! :D

Hope everyone is doing as ok as they can be

take care

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Would he go to premarital counseling with you?

Tell him it takes time to form a lasting healthy relationship, and see if he can handle that. Is he a dangerous possessive type, DaisySue? :(

Love the idea of messy clay whirling round :D:D

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Hi Big sis,

Nah, dont think that counseling is even in his vocabulary - hes not that sort of guy. I suppose he is nice enough, just a tad controling, but not in a violent way, just in his behaviour. Hard to explain. thank goodness he lives in a different town to me, so atleast I get the week days to myself. Well sorta, he drives for a living, so he usually pops by unannounced, feels like hes checking up on me, and ive even started to pretend Im out - just so that I dont have to deal with him. I just need to find the courage to tell him that this relationship aint happening, wish him well and send him on his way. If only its that easy!

On a plus, i turn 40 this weekend - my life is due to begin! :D

(cant believe im so old already!!!!)

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Wow!!!! What lovely cakes!!! Yum, Yum :)

So aparently my life has finally begun - yay me. I dont feel any different, or any older - go figure. Maybe it takes a while for my grown upness to begin ! :D

Had a ok weekend, with cake and presents and everything, even had a sorta party - where I managed not to get drunk. But even then, it felt like just like any other day of the week. reckon I was just in a grump - oops.

The man in my life is doing my head in - hes got it into his head that its perfectly ok and normal to want to be with me 24/7. I suppose I should be grateful that there is someone out there that likes me enough to want to be with me. And in a way to start with I kinda was - hmm, but that was then. I know I should just call things off but like I said things arent that simple - when are they ever in this damn world. Fear, nerves and anxiety have a bloody lot to answer for ( obviously my own stupidity has a few things to answer for too) :(

On a plus I have discovered a few things about myself,

Im ratty, rude and not very nice - especially when I dont get my own way.

I dont like others controlling me in my life and prefere to be left on me todd and to me own devises.

I am capable of being independant - as I can screw up all by myself without any help what so ever.

but mostly, that what ever I do these days, its gonna turn out a mess - so I may aswell live in a apron! :)

Im breathing - so things cant be bad :D

Have fun all :)

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aww, Beth what a cute picture :) :)

Hi ya Big sis, hope that you are okay hun. Nope still engaged :( dunno how to get out of it - especially now :eek:!

tryna just ignore that part of my life till it goes away - somehow. Not sure that tactic is working out so great, but im keeping at it :D uess I always was stubborn - oops.

counselling is going okay - discovered that if I dont talk about anything too deeply it dont affect me as much, perhaps thats how people learn to cope with shite, they can just somehow switch off from all the pain - or atleast not admit to it, or share it with anyone - hmmm progress :)

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Whoa things have been nutso for me!

hoping for a calmer week.

How is pottery class? Is there any sign of spring in the UK? We still have snow piles, but today and tomorrow are supposed to warm up.

Painful events in the past is one truth of life. So is what is happening presently... that is real too. Maybe finding some kind of middle road? Our thoughts and feelings can get carried away, but in the middle road we are here now and doing what we can.

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