Oh, Jai, the waiting must be awful. I hope things move quickly once you are in the hospital and you are okay physically afterward. I hope you and RT can draw strength and comfort from one another. I hope the call comes soon... (hugs)

I hear you about sharing this sad news with others. Each time you do it, you are forced to confront the reality of it and to go through this again and again...and reexperience the pain. I wish there could be an easier way to share your loss with others... :'( Sitting with you.

The car commercial...:(

I hope you will continue to reach for what you need. Keep expressing and venting and feeling. We are listening. My shoulder is here for you, friend. Lean and cry as needed. I know we are not in person, but I hope you feel my care. And if  it might help to talk verbally, just let me know.

♡ ---->> you

So very very sorry for your news

Dear one, we are here for you!

Thanks guys...

home tonight.  Spent 24 hours in the hospital. 

Yesterday at 10 am, i delivered our baby girl. Her umbilical cord had become twisted around her neck.  This ultimately caused her death. 

Im not sure why, but i have hugely mixed feelings about her cause of death.  

There was a lot of talk about what went wrong.  And I'm relieved we found out, i'm relieved it isn't something genetic that could prevent us from trying again.... But i'm devastated that she was a perfectly healthy baby, who was just too busy in the womb and endured an accidental death.  

I realize - in moments of sanity, that there is nothing i could have done to prevent this.  But in moments of grief, i am rocked to my core- that this was the one little human i was charged with keeping safe... And still couldn't.  

You should have seen her guys.  She was a perfect tiny human being.  

I'm so so sorry. :'(

I hear that you are having many mixed feelings and difficult, painful feelings. Sometimes the limits we have really suck...especially when such limits mean there is often nothing we can do to prevent terrible things from happening to the people we love the very most. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.

Standing by you and with you, Jai.

She was a perfect little human being... I'm sure your baby was beautiful. If you would like to share more about your sweet little girl, I am here and listening. 

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear baby girl, Jai.
 

(((((((((((((  Jai  )))))))))))))

Thanks, 

Struggling in quiet times... Better when im busy.  Feeling down right ill right now. 

After effects of having the Dr remove the placenta 'manually'?

(aka -violent personal assault- imho.) 

chat later...

That sounds very painful. I hope you can rest and take things very easy. Maybe too call your doctor if you have any concerns?

Sending my care.

Yes, calling the Dr is on my list for later today.  

Painful doesnt quite encompass this particular experience of having the placenta removed manually.  

Warning- graphic biological details ahead! 

It involved inserting her hand past my not fully dilated cervix and into my uterus to scrape the placenta from the uterine lining.

Hands dont easily fit past cervixes, so in order to reach all areas of the uterus, it also involved using her other hand to force to uterus down by ramming with her other hand from the outside of my abdomen.  The two hands met in the middle and bit by bit the placenta was removed from the uterus.  

This procedure took about 20 minutes in all.  It was primarily to avoid doing surgery.  But, honestly, I would have opted for surgery instead of that.  

All i could do was stare out the window and check out as best i could.  Aided by the laughing gas mask i was wearing, and an earlier shot of morphine.  

Upside- no surgery.

Downsides- very very sore, high risk of infection. 

=\

Ouch ouch ouch!! That sounds excruciating as well as potentially traumatizing. :-( Your body has been through too much, Jai Grief also takes a toll physically. I hope the doctor can help with the pain and/ or put you on antibiotics to help prevent infection. 

 ((I'm sorry you are going through so much))

I'd like to be back at work, the distraction would do me good.  Physically, i'm surprised how crappy i still feel.  Hoping things turn around soon. 

Thanks for the kind words. 

I think we have the same wake time...

I hope you begin to feel better physically, Jai. I also hope you can get back to work soon. 

Thinking of you.

That is a lot to heal from

Im always awake Beth.  =j

Except im also mountain daylight savings time.  So Its 5:30 am here currently.  

Out east... You must have 2, maybe three hours on me?  I know Nova Scotia is 3 hours.   

Anyway..  Doesn't matter.  I know you keep crazy hours too...

Meh...  I take back the work thing.  Kid broke his arm on the playground yesterday, gonna be up to my neck -writing reports and licensing crap. 

Boooo... 

IJ- actially I did get 2 bags of antibiotics through IV before i left.   Except that that doesn't seem to help my boobs,  nor prevent picking up a virus...  Which my hacking and wheezing seems to suggest that's exactly what i did. 

Blahhh..  Must sleep... Please!   

={

We're Eastern Daylight Savings Time here (for a short time longer this season) so we're 2 hours ahead of you, I believe. I have found that if I go to bed between 8:15-8:30pm, I can usually sleep a solid 5 hours or more, but I still tend to wake very early between 1 and 3 am. If I try to go to bed even just 15 minutes later, it can ruin an entire night of sleep. Strange, eh? It was funny, though...I had just woken up and picked up my phone and it buzzed because you had posted in your blog. So I thought we must be waking at the same time...:o

I hope you are able to get some restful, restorative sleep. Your body has been through a lot. Your breasts will hopefully feel less painful in time. I'm sorry about the virus. Those can really drag a person down. You need some soup and a hug.

Ouch on the broken arm...I hope the break was not too serious and doesn't involve too much paperwork for you when you return to work.

It's good you were given IV antibiotics. Infections suck. I'm glad steps were taken to prevent one from occurring. I never felt so bad in my entire life. 

Sleep. Rest. Heal. (((Jai)))

Thanks... 

Sure trying to heal. 

Down today.  No reason in particular.  Maybe not feeling well physically is making me feel less grounded and more emotional.  

Hoping tomorrow is better. 

I'm sorry you are having a down day.   Sitting with you.

Sending you a nature walk, JaiJai... thinking of you!

Thanks for the hugs.  I could use a nature walk in real life.  Have to make time for that today.  Spending a little to much time wandering around my own head lately.  I'd hate to get lost in there.  

I hope you are able to get outside and connect with nature, Jai. I hope too you find it clears your mind. I think of you.

Do you enjoy photography, Jai? Taking pictures in nature can be soothing.  ((((( Jai )))))

Wow... Struggling today.  Tired of reading my own negative crap too.  Would like to post something positive for a change, but I would be working hard to convince myself more than anything.  

Truth is, I break down crying multiple times a day (usually when I'm alone, thankfully) without really a justifiable reason.  My thoughts are off.  I am constantly playing out scenarios in my head that end in some horrific fashion.  They usually involve losing someone or Someone I love dying, or becoming ill.  

One of the things i was thinking today was, maybe someone or something was trying to prevent me from having a child, since I would likely get what my mom had, and end up torturing and abandoning my family with an illness.  

The scenarios are endless.  And Im aware its not rational, but thats not stopping me from thinking them and getting upset about the craziest things.  

I feel frayed.  RT is a quiet guy.  And neither of us seem to have anything to say but small talk to each other.  I usually instigate the conversations but i just dont know what to say anymore.  I feel like im making things harder for both of us.  

Long days.  Pretty tired still. 

(((Jai)))

I don't think grief necessarily follows a linear pattern that would seem to make any kind of sense. I always do a lot of replaying in my mind, creating all kinds of scenarios, what ifs and why nots...sometimes thoughts seem irrational and it just feels crazy confusing. :-( It's searching for some answers, whys, trying to make sense out of some things that may never make any sense, to feel some control when we rationally know there are things we can't control...It's messy and painful.  It brings our fears and vulnerabilities to the surface.  I do think that all of the thoughts and questions that run through our minds may be part of the process of coming to accept what happened. Sending care to you.

It's always okay to cry....it's a release and you probably need to. :'( 

I also think that each person grieves in their own way and may have different needs so possibly RT's experience may be different from yours. I know that E tends to stay quiet and I have a need to endlessly express. Are you able to get out and spend some quiet time together? Presence can be healing even if neither of you know what to say right now.

I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling. I am here listening. I hope today brings some moments of serenity.

Don't underestimate the power of hormones to mess with your thinking. Your body could really be struggling to rebalance in that way.

Ya this a good point finding, hormones... I was given something of a heads up about post-partum and emotions, at the same time as a bunch of other info was given to me, and I was already having contractions so i think a fair amount of it washed right over my head.  But they said something about that.  I remember thinking- post-partum is for people who have babies... So i don't really apply.

But i guess your body still has to return to a pre-pregnancy state.

To say we grieve differently is the tip of the iceberg, IJ. We do everything differently it seems.  But hes been consistent at least. 

I feel withdrawn, and pessimistic.  Im hoping things just work themselves out and i get back to my usual soon.  

Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement guys.