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Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately.  Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way.  Got some forward momentum here too.  Yay!  

So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.   

After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.   

My other tidbit is, we're pregnant.  RT is over the moon.  Its pretty early stil so ..... Shhhh, just in case anything happens.  


So life has been busy, but enjoyable.  


Those are the big things-  

What's been going on in you're lives?  





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This is such great news! I'm so happy for you, Jai!!!:D I'm happy for both of you. RT sounds like a wonderful man. 

Family home. :-) Working on your home can be fun. 

I'm well, life is pretty calm right now.

I wish you all the best. It's so nice to hear from you. Take care of yourself.


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Oh my GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:)

Thanks for sharing your momentous news, JaiJai!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been slammed to the wall busy, but that will improve soon. Looking forward to getting lost in gardening and nature, and soon!

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Well, I'm not pregnant ... :-P  Now, that would be news.  :-)

I'm happy you're happy, and momentum-ing forward.  {Not going to able to satisfy spellcheck on that one word.}  How are you feeling about the prospect of tiny pitter-patterings?  {Seems to be my day for neologisms.}

All real estate involves drama, though.  It's built in;  it makes you appreciate closing, so the lender loves it.


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Sleepless.  Not able to be on any medication while pregnant- and its killing me.  Absolutely exhausted.  Struggling with lots of cataplexy.  Work is insanely busy and im just barely hanging on.  January feels incredibly far away.  Hell the last 2 hours feels more like 8.  

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That sucks, Jai. :( It's awful when you can't get adequate rest and now you need even more energy too because of the baby. Are there any medications that are safe or will be safe when you get further along in your pregnancy? Can you take any time off of work to rest?

Sending you strength. 

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Thanks Beth... 

There's nothing for sleep unfortunately.  God knows ive tried.  The sleep doc basicslly said pregnancy for a narcoleptic is hell and most go on disability.  


Because i'm self employed, i dont qualify for any employment insurance.  And im the only one at work with the designations to supervise the program anyway.  I'm required to be there at certain times. 

so no easy outs, unfortunately.  

Just going to have to tough it out.  Not looking forward to that.  

Edited by JaiJai
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Aww thanks Finding...

Well, my employees are sort of my team.  ?

And they've stretched pretty far.  They're awesome, and are helping a ton.  The stuff that's my responsibility, I just have to do though.   

Ive honestly never tried, nor thought of trying any of those.  Well i tried meditation- not for help with sleep though- and i wasnt particularly successful at it. ?


I'll have to look into it more.  I have 5 weeks of summer camp starting next week to make it through.  After that it should mellow a bit.  

Thanks for the ideas!

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I'm glad your employees are helping. I hope things get a bit easier and you are able to rest. 

Maybe it helps to look forward to the cool milestones along the way? Hearing the heartbeat at around 10 weeks, I think? Feeling the first movements somewhere between 16-20 weeks. It does usually take longer with the first baby. This feels vague at first, but before long it gets pretty crazy. E and A never stopped moving. :o Before long, you'll be reading The Perfect Ride and But No Elephants to your little one. :)

I hope you are sleeping soundly as I write this. Zzzzzz.....


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Sleep comes and goes.  

Why aren't you asleep?  You're awake as often as I am! 

Yes, i am trying to look forward to the milestones.  I have to be honest though... At this point it all feels very abstract.  

I took 5 pregnancy tests... Over a period of 3 weeks, just to have a piece of evidence it was true. ?

 It was confirmed with a lab test prior to my taking the final 2 'clear-blues', but the confirmation was reassuring none the less.  

I have a dr's appointment thursday next week... Maybe that will help bring it home.  

RT is so funny.  He read somewhere that around 20 weeks the baby can start hearing your voice, and told me he wants to start reading stories to my belly at bedtime then.  ? 

I honestly think this is hysterical and outrageously endearing at the same time.  He's not a super chatty fellow, so it may be nice to just listen too.  

We discussed the first book being 'the BFG' by Roald Dahl.  The movie coming out reminded me of it- he had never heard of it, and i dearly loved reading that book as a child. 

I think we're both excited to find out the gender.  Then the great name debate will really get underway. ? 

So far a few possibilities, but neither of our favourites.  

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What you're feeling is natural and common, I think, and I felt that way as well. When you hear the baby's heartbeat and have your first ultrasound, it may feel much more of a reality. :) I recall how amazed I was at age 22 by how perfectly formed our son was at only 12 weeks gestation--head, fingers, hands and a beating heart...

My h used to put classic music and headphones up to my belly, lol. I agree that an expectant dad who is enthusiastic and very involved can be quite endearing. How cool for both of you.

Gender. With J, we knew at 18 weeks. With E, we knew at 34 weeks. With A, I had 4 ultrasounds (the doctor was keeping watch on a fibroid) and he still couldn't tell so we decided to wait. She was our surprise baby, though I wasn't really surprised. I felt strongly she was a girl the entire time. I picked out my first son's name when I was 18 years old, H had done the same for his first daughter's name, picked it out before we had even met. A's name was a compromise and wasn't decided until right before she was born. All 3 names then became very popular... :o I hope you have fun choosing a name. :)

I go to bed very early, usually. 8:00-8:30 pm. There are almost always work alarms going off at 2:30 AM (either his or mine) so I'm usually awake bright and early. Today I'm at work and on my break right now. I'm eating a big salad. :)

Are you having any morning sickness?

I so wish k could be here to see this. He would be so ecstatic for you. I can just see his :D:D:D

Take care of yourself, Jai.

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Morning queasy, night time queasy, afternoon queasy.  It seems random, but at least im not usually full-on vomiting. 

2/3 am I'm almost always queasy though.  So strange.  


I prefer to sleep face down on my stomach- but if im face down, around 2am- i'll be awake feeling ill for sure.  


The other problem is -my expanding bosom is incredibly tender.?  I told RT I want to cut two holes in the mattress for my boobs to sit in while i sleep face down, ?  cus otherwise, i frequently cant get comfortable they're so tender.    


Yes, I would have loved to share this news with Kent.  I'm pretty sure he's grinning, and so is my mom.  ?


Names are tough when you work with kids.. You have so many memories tied to names of kids from work.  And a few faves got tossed just because the baby name lists would list them as a top 10 name.   I'd rather there wasn't 2-3 kids with same name in my kids class.  Its kinda frustrating though.  The naming thing.  I'm sure we'll find something though. 


Gonna give sleep another go....later!

Edited by JaiJai
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I'm sure your mom must be beaming with pride somewhere too, Jai.

Morning sickness/ queasiness is definitely an all day kind of thing, yes. Small and frequent meals helped me. Hopefully this eases up for you by 3-4 months. And tender breasts are a thing too...I do think that both can be a positive sign that things are progressing as they should.

We never intended to pick out a top 10 name for our children, but it happened twice. :o

I hope you were able to sleep.

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I love hearing about the children's books you read, JaiJai :) How cool that it coming out as a movie!

Hope you had a restful weekend.

I work in a department that has had a lot of maternity leave. People generally are willing to pitch in-- after all, your coworkers work with children and know that getting a good start in life is essential! I say all that just in case it is tough for you to ask for help. This is a time to learn to let stress drip off and not sink in, sort of like water on a duckie.

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Well, in all fairess Beth, both of your kids would have been at the start of those trends and there was't as many baby name apps out then... ? 

Small frequent meals. Thanks Beth,  I shall give it a try.  Much to my frustration- ive gained about 20 pounds in the last few months.  Primarily because i'm off sleep meds.  I dont think i eat any more than previously, but if i dont sleep, i gain weight.  Im trying to be careful, but it just happens.  Thankfully it also comes off when i start sleeping again- or it should- 6 and1/2 months from now.  ? 

Like water off of a duck... Thanks...Thats a good analogy Finding. ? 

I'm trying... RT helps too.  He doesnt get too flustered about stuff.  But between us, I'm struggling with work, we re-licensed this year, we're moving out of the classroom we've occupied for 9 years, he started a business, we struggled with financing because he had just started a business so we're now both self-employed, we're moving, still carrying 2 mortgages, worrying about paying for the must-do items on the new house repair list. We've just barely scraped the down payment on the house together... I'm starting to wear.  His response, if we can manage when things are this crazy, just think- we'll be fine!  I love his optimism, but I fear the addition of a wee little person will also make things much crazier.  


I saw a chum from university today.  She has 3 kids- 7 years old, 3 years old, and 18 months.  Wow- busy.  I resolved then- 3 is too many for me, Beth! ?


Finding, i loved so many books as a kid!!  And yet i cant bring myself to get through any Harry Potter.  Hard to find time, and when i do- i fall asleep trying to read.  I've started to consider narcolepsy- its own special type of learning disability.  


I forget many of them- often something has to trigger my memory.  

All the Roald Dahl books, Serendipity, Gordon Korman, Narnia,-loved.  I recently found a book i loved called 'The Song of Pentecost'. 


Anyway- what books did you love as a kid?  Love now?  

Later guys! 

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I hear your worries, and we are listening. Blog anytime.

The technique of meditation is to observe these thoughts and worries and release them-- let them go without attaching. Breathing with the sights and sounds of the present moment. It always sounds a little silly writing about it. It comes down to can I handle this present instant? Right now is all we ever have anyway, in one sense.

My parents didn't read to me for some reason. I remember liking Harold and the Purple Crayon.

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I'm sorry things feel stressful right now, Jai. :( E and I went through some difficult stretches for sure. There was one point shortly after J was born that E lost his job. We had a new house, a new mortgage, and a new baby...tough times. He had the same mindset back then that RT does now, that everything would work out. I, on the other hand, was very anxious and worried. Our situation did improve greatly when we relocated to NY. I hear you that it's frightening to have so much responsibility and also have to wonder just how everything will get paid for. I hope things ease up for you and you feel more comfortable with the changes.

I remember the day when E realized we could no longer 'divide and conquer' as he would say, lol. That doesn't quite work when there are 3 to look after and only 2 parents. And if you take their friends to an outing, you end up with 6 to supervise, gads! :o Those are fun memories, though, too. I love being a mom! :)

I remember my mom reading a book to me when I was very young called Little Girls. Very sweet. Inside the cover, my mom had written who gifted it to me. I still have it too. :-)

All 3 of our kids are bookworms and especially the girls. I still remember the day when daughter E figured out how to read. A book called My Camp Out perhaps? I could see her eyes light up and then she was off. She's been reading ever since. :)

I don't think I knew what an app was when our kids were born, lol. :P

I think I put on 40lbs with daughter E and she was over 9lbs at birth. I believe I gained 30+ lbs with J and A, who both weighed in at a little over 7lbs. I'm not sure what doctors are recommending now, but when I was pregnant a 30-40 lb gain was expected. Maybe ask your doctor at your appointment if you have concerns?

I hope you are able to get some rest. Wishing you well, Jai.

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"I've started to consider narcolepsy- its own special type of learning disability."

I was thinking, if you were trying Harry Potter, maybe narcolepsy could be seen as a form of literary criticism.  ;-)  Maybe part of you is saying, "You don't have to read it if it doesn't keep you awake," so you don't have to feel bad.

Yeah, my advice is to avoid names that are really popular.  I knew a bunch of Dakotas, Brittanys, Trevors, Tylers, Sarahs, etc. at the store.  You don't want the kid to have a weird name, but they need one they can feel is their own.  That said, there were also lots of Alexs (my first name, which I don't use), of both genders, so it's also survivable ...

I tend to look at stress in a weird way:  it actually means you want to be (fully involved) in life, enough to tolerate the fact that life isn't easy.  That's what's known as a good thing.  :-)

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Ya, i think my biggest concern, IJ, is how early on ive put on weight.  And how effortlessly.  Which is why i suspect its narcolepsy weight, not pregnancy weight.  


4 more days and we take possession of the new house- im mostly looking forward to having  the futon again, so at least if Im up in the night, i have my own place to toss and turn.  


Ahh yes, im keenly interested in being fully involved Mark.  Im also not interested in dealing with the fall out of problems it will create if i dont stay vigilant about staying involved right now.  


Perhaps i should endeavor to employ this effect harry potter has, on my sleeplessness?  Unexpected benefit. ?


Harold and the purple crayon... I'll have to look for that one. 


Thanks guys... 

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Hey kids, 

Been a roller coaster here lately... As life is so apt to be.  

Been tired, but managing.  Last week had the detailed ultrasound.  Found out it's a baby girl.  Heart rate was 144. All fingers and toes accounted for.  Yesterday went to follow up with the Dr.  He started off with, 'everything looks great, everything is normal and on track..'  Yay!  

And then he went to look for her heartbeat and couldnt find it.  Sent me for another ultrasound which confirmed the baby has died.  

We're heartbroken.  

Tomorrow i'll be induced to deliver.  


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Oh no....

I'm so sorry, Jai. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear baby girl. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through. I hope you and R can comfort one another during this painful time.

Sending my love and care to you. I am thinking of you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm here if you need to talk.

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Thanks for your kind words, wishes and hugs guys.  You're right, there's really nothing to say and nothing to do.  

I'm pretty much cried out.  

We're now in not-pregnant/ pregnant purgatory as we await the call from the hospital to go in.  24 hours a day.  We keep getting bumped cus we're not a medical emergency.  

Waiting sucks.  I am incredibly anxious.  Never did it occur to me that i would go through the process of child birth to have a dead baby.  The thought of it alone is emotionally exhausting. 

After the delivery, i'm all worked up about having to tell people.  I wish no one knew we were expecting at all.  It would make this so much easier.  Our close family and friends know we lost the baby, but now the daunting task of everyone else.  Everyone from neighbours to co-workers, to kids from my work knew that we were having a baby.  

Anyway, i guess i'll worry about that after i get the delivery out of the way.  Tomorrow I'll spend some time packing up baby stuff, so its not a constant reminder.  Right now everything feels lke a reminder. 

RT started to tear up watching a car commercial this evening. It was about how safe the car is for taking you newborn home from the hospital.  It just feels like everything has changed.  

Anyway. Just sad and venting.  

Had some tunnel vision, and dont even know how you guys are all doing.  Hope you are well... 

Thanks for the shoulders.  

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