went to physio today. he said by now the shoulder should be much better, which it isn't. He is worried that there may be a tear somewhere. Which would mean surgery. Which would mean, career on hold.

the morals of the troop is way low now folks. it's hard to keep a focus in my healthy plan ironically. Even thought I resist the destructive moods and behaviors as much as possible.

Continuing analyzing my life, and how I am to turn it around. I know it is possible and there is no need to get that down. It's just the little grimlin in my head working overtime to undermine my good thoughts. I fight. It's hard.

Today, my friend didn't even call to cancel the hike we were supposed to do, so it compound the bad feelings. But, I called another friend and now I am heading to her place. I haven't seen her in such a long time. It should be good.

I just don't want to let myself slip into this bad, bad place a was in several years ago. I dread it. When things go not so good for me, I really have a hard time keeping the chin up. but I will fight with all my might folk! I swear!

And, I hope you believe in me. Trust me, it's really though at the moment. Really though. I resist asking for financial help from my mom. I don't want it. She has not much money. She's worked extremely hard for her money, and I haven't been really there for her. I know it isn't my fault necessarily. I have to take care of my own, and when people bring me down without wanting to, but still do, I have to get away from that. It's my own survival that is at stakes. If push comes to shove, I will ask for help. But I believe I still have some other options at the moment. Everybody has their own problems, and I am an adult. so.

I do ask for your help though, in just thoughts. You guys, people who have been reading me, are wonderful. And I do appreciate it 100%. You know. A read. I know you guys do what you can. And I will do what I can as well. I wish I was stronger... But at the same time, I know I am really strong. I have pulled myself out of some crazy sh&((&t, and I can do it again. I can see a dim light at the end of this tunnel. And I will hold on to that with all my might.

Peace.

T