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Fracture and slinging it


tourdelove

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So I couldn't wait anymore. The doc that originally saw me for the rotator cuff thing wasn't available until tomorrow but I just wnated to know. so I went and see another doc. she was saying the same thing, but I said NO, I want an x-ray.

Well, I have a fracture. on the top of my humerus, where some ligament attaches. argh. should have been less amiable and said that from the start... I went to the doc again after the xray, and she was like 'well, that's a surprise! you must have a very high tolerance to pain"... hum, yes I do. Any kind of pain. My brother is the same. Anyway, now my arm is in a sling. I am seeing the surgeon on next Thursday.

But it's not exactly something that works for the both of us. It got me more injured in the end. Many times. It makes me hold of on decisions while enduring pain, physical or mental, wayyy too long. And in the end, I collapse and get completely lost, because I have ignored my feelings, or my right to be in an happy relationship, to have my needs met too. What good is that?

So, again, ,like I was telling someone else here, sometimes are weaknesses can be recycled into strengths. I think that I am right. I just know nothing is created and nothing is lost... [is that from good ol' Einstein?]. Anyway, I am pretty sure I can reuse this misplaced sense of 'strength' or tolerance for pain or whatever, to good use for once. What if I used this strength that is there, and recycle it into taking care of myself somehow? I am not exactly sure how to do this completely. I have started, but it is pretty hard to retrain my brain NOT to take that pain. Use the strength to see solutions...

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Boy, you are all in pieces. How long does this cracked bone take to heal?

High tolerance to pain, or maybe a tendency to ignore your own humanity ... But if you're trying to find uses for pain tolerance, is there any way you can talk yourself into using it for emotional pain? Maybe you could do some kind of exposure therapy to C ... Okay, that could be a bad idea, I know. Just floating it.

I guess the point is, take care of yourself, and don't just laugh that off as a conventional way of saying goodbye.

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Yeap, I appear to be in pieces. I don't know how long it will be. I don't know if I will need surgery... I suspect I will. Could be short [another 2 months], or could be 6 months to a year... I am a bit freaked out. I don't have much money. I don't get insurance from my employer. But I must continue to feel that there is hope and options for me.

Yeah, a tendency to ignore my humanity, maybe. Hopefully not too much. Hopefully I can use it to go through emotional pain in the right kind of way.

Today, I mustered all I could in terms of strength to fight the fear and try and get insurance from my province to support myself while I can't work. It means forms and forms and proofs that I am injured and all that kind of fun stuff that somehow make me really anxious. But I did it. I guess I am using a bit of that mis-placed strength to good use. Somehow.

I don't know what you think of it Malign. Maybe you think I am a whiny, self absorbed, entitled person? I don't know. I hope not. They say 'never mind what OTHERS may think of you', but your friendship is important to me. So I hope I didn't rub you off in the wrong way somehow, with my reflections on 'strength'. I certainly feel like I am being whiny. And as I reflect on my shortcomings, and how it hasn't served me all that well in the past, sometimes I fear that by exposing my weaknesses, even if [i think] this is the place to do it, I fear that I may loose friendship, or respect from others? But know that I also try right now, to, yeah take care. I don't want to laugh it off 'as a conventional way of saying goodbye'... I am not sure what you mean here, sorry. And I do hope that you are well yourself.

So I'll ask: how are you Malign?

In other news, I went to a stagette yesterday. And the girl [V], who was having it was telling the story of how she met me... last year. She was saying that when she first met me, she thought I was a bitch...Because I was talking to this other girl and explaining that I was upset because my car wasn't working, and so I got late to work and had to have the car towed... Then V said 'but then you were in a good mood again, and I thought, no, she's not a bitch... She went on to say, that she thought that I had my sh$%#$t together as well...then said well 'now I know, you don't fully have your stuff together, but you are a nice person'...

Wow. What is 'having your sh__ together anyway? I don't even know what that means. I suppose it must be because I don't. I hope I have somewhat my stuff together. It kind of hurt my feelings that she said that. I kind of wanted details too. Weird. When people critisize me, I really want to know exactly what they mean, to improve myself, but is that even worth it? Or will it make me just more down on myself. Believing what other people think of me, instead of what I think of me... Maybe I should have asked what she meant. But didn't want to stir stuff at her party. Is it disrespectful from her? Why did she say that? In front of everyone too. Was that meant to be helpful? Or a compliment? Or what. I really try to have my stuff together the best I can.

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tour, sometimes people misinterpret each other, and it causes a lot of confusion if not hurt feelings. Your words are a reflective, and a person needs to slow down to catch them. I just want to say that you are making a lot of sense to me in what you are saying.

I hear you saying that your mode of being strong in the world (high tolerance to pain) turned out to be a weakness. It complicated your injury, and it has made other things go on too long before they were addressed. You are acknowledging that. Now you are hoping that that "weakness" can be turned back into a strength, this time with much better awareness of its place in your system. I think it is incredibly insightful of you :). You saw how tough endurance hurt you, now you're interested in seeing how it can be used for good...like filling out all those forms, for example.

Sometimes people are going to miss your point…that’s because you are a deep thinker! Don’t let that discourage you.

I once tried to make it as a female machinist, by the way. I injured my hands and my hearing. My surgeon recommended that I just get out of that line of work. It was tough news to take. I went back to school and am now working in an area that is many times better suited for me (occupational therapy assistant).

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Yah, thanks Finding. I totally get that. It's all good. Thanks for sharing the story about your career! I think that's awesome! Strong women out there! woot woot. I don't know what is going to happen yet with the shoulder. I may or may not continue on that path. We'll see. I had a moment of panic and neediness there for a bit. But I am ok now... :)

In other news, I just read something interesting about 'ruminating' and sucking the energy out of other people, as I was worried that I had exhausted my friends patience there for a bit by constantly being down, not smiling, and telling my sad story everytime they'd ask.

It's funny [maybe not haha] that I have never actually learned to not be a bummer around friends. I thought you should answer truthfully when asked 'how are you?' So I was telling them oh, I am not too good, this, and then that... I guess in the hope that they would help me see the light, or help find solutions or something. But I just realized that it never really happened. they have helped a bit, but mostly, I found the solutions.

Ruminating is not feeling. When you feel sad or whatever, you feel sad, in that moment. And you ask yourself: 'why am I sad? what do I need right now to fix this?' not 'this is so terrible...I will never ___'

What helps right now is my lil affirmations that block this ruminations. My T told me again to learn them by heart and use them for each situation to block rumination, and feelllllllll the feelings, instead of THINKING about the feelings. She also gave me homework: write each day what I am grateful for. That helps me see how it's not that bad. So I can, by myself, Put myself in a better mood where I can actually get what I need and find my own solutions. And also enjoy the time with my friends and LAUGH! As it's meant to be!

ouffff

T

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Oh, and, I may be all ruminating again here...for the record. But you know, feel free to remind me to go back to the affirmations and FEEEEEEELLLLLing the feelings, NOT THIIINNNNNNKING about the feelings [aka ruminating].

And when I will go out with friends. I WILL answer truthfully: I am good...They'll then say, OMG, but what about your shoulder, and you're single still, and you're ___. Yah, but, it's all on the way of getting better. All is good. I live in a beautiful place, I take care of myself, and I have food on the table and a peaceful place to sleep. SWEEEEEEEET

World. Here I come.

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tourdelove, it is SO HARD to turn around a mood, and you are finding ways to do it! I really liked your discussion of rumination, thinking the feelings instead of feeling the feelings. When you let yourself feel, you are brought into your body, into the present moment, which is the only time and place that change can happen for these feelings...(OK that last part is my understanding anyway). Sometimes those feelings just need to be heard and then they can shift. That's 3 courages, one to feel and one to speak the feelings when appropriate. Then one to allow space for change. You've got them all! :)

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Hey thanks for the encouragement Finding. Yah, I think I just had a breakthrough last night. It's hard to keep my mind on the right path sometimes, but I will keep that one going as long as I can! Perhaps it will stick with me this time, and I will ruminate less and less, until I don't do it any more. I would love that! That would mean, another thing down on my list of growth. It is so very important, and I know it.

It is hard to turn around a mood, especially if I have let myself go down the ruminatory path...Then I get very down and mopey. And it takes a lot of coaksing and 'come on T, come on, stop it, it's not that bad. your ok, come on...'. It may take days, and some good event to turn my mood around. And, it shouldn't be like that. I want to be able to catch it just at the start, when my mind is just going down that so easy and slippery slope. And snap out of it. Some people do it automatically. I know I will need some more training, but, at least now I understand the difference between thinking feelings out, and actually feeling them, when they happen, instead of re-triggering myself on and on, because of a bad habit of rumination. I don't need to be a cow if I don't want to anymore! ah!

Sometimes, it's as if I want to retrigger myself, it's like I want to feel all down on myself, on freakin purpose, even though A] it doesn't solve anything B] it is extremely painful C] it annoys friends D] it limits my ability to enjoy the moment and percieve and enjoy what's good right now. Because the moment the feeling is gone and the event is over. It's the past. Therefore, I insist on living in the past hurts sometimes. Why? I think, when I am down, it is because I've learned that it's a way to get sympathy, or comfort, or encouragement from people. I know where I've learned that [...] but it doesn't matter. What I have to remember, is that, this unconscious, sort manipulation on people rarely produces the expected results. If I do get sympathy, or whatever, it is either that people are trapped by the same sort of deal themselves, and still use it as well. OR, in some more hopeful cases, some people truly know that even thought it shouldn't be done, they understand the process, and still give me what I need, in the hope of helping me to snap out of it. Luckily, I have experienced that second option, and always wondered, why are these people so strong? Well, I suppose they don't get caught up, they know exactly what's going on, they are just being empathetic, not sympathetic. Very different, and very amazing. but regardless, I know it is not a behavior to keep on using. And, now I know why some people can't be even empathetic to it. It's not that they necessarily are being uncaring. They just don't buy into it. Or can't handle it. Which is, in a way, great! It just shows me when I am mopey and I need to snap out of it! Save yourself. I say! And I do!

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