So, to respond to you finding, I am ok, all in all. I am still sad. I still want Y. Even if he rejected me just like that. Which means he's not right for me. I hope it goes away soon this feeling of wanting what I can have. It's surely not healthy. I still feel like I f* it up for being too needy and not self-confident.
And I saw him last saturday, and he ignored me. I felt angry and I grabbed his arm and said hey, hi!!!! He was drunk and said it wasn't the best time to talk. he was trying to get a ride with his friend. I held him up. It's not like we had a conversation. We talked 'at' each other more like.
I said, I received your email.... He responded 'ya, I know, I heard. It's a small town!' he had a fake smile on, was cold to me. He said 'I'm not angry at you, havent said anything bad about you, but it's like that with me, it's black and white, you put me on the spot and I was out'. he made a gesture with his hand like slam bam, like something hiting the floor and exploding.
I said, why do I even try to talk to you! You're not interested one bit. You rejected me like an old piece of garbage! I was angry at that point. by his smile, his gesture. His phone call he had to take. No time for you!!!!
I said, I just wanted to know . I don't even know you that well I said, I wanted to know if you were into this or not. He said, exactly, we've known each other for what? a month and a half? Maybe after 2-3 months ok ,but now??? you brought it on to yourself!. You think I am needy? or .... I said... I was fighting back the tears by that point. and then he had to leave.
the day before, at a dinner, I said to my friend R that Martine, his friend, sucked, in front of this other girl Cat I didn't know knew her.... I guess she went and repeated the whole thing to Martine, who told Yannick. I said sorry to that Cat girl about talking bad about Martine. I said, she was being very cold and ignoring me the day Yannick broke up with me... I know she likes him in the more than friends kind of way... What the hecks so good about this guy that all girls fight over him???? I wish I was different and see the light. I wish I hadn't talked bad about martine! That was so wrong!
I did write to Yannick, Finally. I dont' know why. I felt guilty. I wrote:
I hope you're well. I am sure youre busy, but I hope not too stressed. On my side, Im good. started working again. I like to be busy too!
I just wanted to let you know I am sorry about our conversation of the other night, and for everything. Things don't always turn out....
But I prefer being real than too proud and stubborn. I don'twant to stay upset with someone.
I was upset when I talked to you. Upset to be tossed aside like an old oil change. Anyway. Like you said, it comes out all wrong when it's like that. I take my part of the blame for what happened, but taking itall would be unrealistic.
I can't change your opinion, or your way of analysing things. The only thing I can change is my own opnion and look at my mistales without blaming myself. stay true to my own feelings, and move on. I have to stay true to my sens of balance and momentum and ask also, when I feel something isn't quite right. I didn't get the answer I wanted. That's the way it is. You may have been burned more than I in your life. I may not be used to it, but I accept it. And I won't bash myself any longer, or you for that matter, because of a misunderstanding or a dead end.
Keep on smiling cus you have a great smile. Keep going with your business, I think you are doing well. Keep on training and taking time for yourself, it seems to do you well. But make sure to be gentle with you, so that you don't get injured....
and then I went on a date tonight with another guy. He was nice, handsome, suceeds well, I was really happy to meet him, and that he picked me, but I am not into it somehow. He doesn't do any sports. Just a hard, hard worker, smart, to be sure, but very conventional. Maybe too much for me. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't have known that if I wouldn't have gone on a date with him.
Well, this is my truth. There you have it for the bashing.