It's bonfire night here in the UK and tbh i dont think it means much more to most of us than having fun with fireworks n stuff.

but you know what? im sat here crying really hurting and feeling sh!t because i dont have my kids with me..they're with their dad holding sparklers, watching all the fireworks, eating pie and peas, toffee apples, parkin etc and they should be with ME!

and it hurts so fcking much..i cant describe how much.

and all because of this cr@p, how pathetic is that! does being thin mean more to me than my babies? it must do or my head wouldnt be so fcked up and they would be here with me..trying to be thin must be more important than anyone right?

it must be im living proof of it, cos if it wasnt then they would be here and i would be nagging them about their sparklers telling them keep back from the fire dont eat too many toffee apples and treacle toffees dont get muddy bla bla bla...least thats how it feels right now.

i hate this and ive had enough! ive just sat there looking in the mirror naked (not something i do often) seeing bones then fat then bones then fat and on and on and despite how disgusted i am i still think is it really worth it? and my answer is NO it's fcking not.

im sorry if im not making sense im hurting im ashamed and a whole load of other stuff and i just need someone to understand, not someone who says hey donna let me give you a hug you're ill you cant help it, lets pretend we understand and offer to take you to the gps bla bla bla but someone who really really understands.

i dont want to be a 'bpd' whatever the hell thats meant to be, i dont want to be some stupid cow who wants to be thin but i dont want to be fat either which is a bit dumb when im already 91 fcking lbs! i want to be a normal mum,one who puts themselves first not a divvy and not somebody who needs to get slim thin whatever, but i dont want ANYBODY to tell me to stop trying to get slim..see im selfish and put fat before my kids..fckd up or what!!