Psychologically Ruined

[JakeC21]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and just looking for some help. As my name suggests I'm 21 and have yet

to have a girlfriend mostly due to my penis size. I've had my share of opportunities to have a girlfriend

and/or sex but have never been able to get over my anxiety. I'm a perfectionist and have never been able to

live up to my physical ideals. Nothing is ever good enough for me, I'm 1 inch too short (in regards to body

height), too skinny, not handsome enough, and of course don't possess my idea of a perfect penis.

I've heard the typical responses that size doesn't matter and it what you do with that counts. Well let

tell you it does matter. I'm the youngest of three children (two older sisters) and raised by a single mother.

These three women who have raised me and had a tremendous influence on my life were far from shy about

expressing their adoration of well endowed men. If they did have the "unfortunate" experience of being with

a smaller man they would laugh and talk trash on him to all their friends. They would never leave the smaller

man because he was still useful for buying them dinners and clothes but they wouldn't have sex with them ever

again. Instead relying on their well endowed "man on the side" to take care of their needs.

My feelings of inferiority have even lead me to experiment with penis enlargement techniques and

devices. Starting with manual stretches and jelqs and now hanging weights from my penis. The only thing I've

experienced from all my efforts is discoloration which is now another source of anxiety.

My issues do not only revolve around size but also performance and lack of experience. It seems that

everyone has already done so much sexually at my age and now I'm just too far behind.

[LaLa]

Hello, Jack, welcome!

I'm sorry you've been struggling and feel ruined...

Being a perfectionist can, indeed, be quite hard... But being a perfectionist is not having a trait for all your life! Your perfectionism developed for some reasons, but you're the one who can change it, who can "accommodate" yourself better for living a less painful life. You may need somebody to accompany, support and maybe also help you with this challenging task. Have you considered some counseling and/or some reading about similar issues and/or more general, yet related, psychological issues?

It seems that your discontentment with your body hasn't reach the level of obsession (but I cannot tell for sure; maybe it's a wrong conclusion from your relatively brief description!), but it might become one and that would be more difficult to heal...

I see that the reasons of it seem relatively clear (which may be a good sign - it may be easier to work with, to change!) - the contemptible attitudes of your closest relatives. Unfortunately, women like them do exist and it's possible that you'll meet some of them. However, although this attitude is the most familiar to you (and the guys in the SPS forum often mention experiences with the same attitude in women), it doesn't mean that it's the most pervasive or that you couldn't find girls/women which will like and love you as you are and for who you are. You certainly have a lot to offer, you certainly can be a good partner - but it's true that your irrational fears (although they have obvious reasons) may prevent you from being yourself, from letting your potential flourish, thus maybe also from having a satisfying relationship. So it's essential to challenge your fears, maybe also to learn more about love, to know yourself better - to begin acknowledging your qualities and accepting your body as it is. Believe me, there are many woman who don't care about perfect body. (BTW; just look around you in a crowd / in the streets: Do you consider everybody in a couple to have a "nice" body?? Yet they have found somebody who loves them and is also attracted by their body.)

Being a virgin in 21 is perfectly OK. (You may have a look in the "Virginity" forum here, it's quite eyes-opening ...) What can be a problem is becoming too worried about it. It can either prevent you from trying to date or, on the contrary, lead to some absurd urges to "change it asap". It seems to me that the most important for you is to first change your self-image. As I said, it's not a simple thing to do at all and it would benefit from an appropriate help. It's great that you've reached out for some advise here and I hope you'll get some useful insights. But I would recommend also seeing a professional...

What do you think?

Take care!

[JakeC21]

>"You may need somebody to accompany, support and maybe also help you with this challenging task. Have you

considered some counseling and/or some reading about similar issues and/or more general, yet related,

psychological issues?"

< I've never considered opening up to anyone about this issue especially due to the intimacy of my anxiety.

I'm more concerned about paying for college right now. I know they have therapists at my college but I

wouldn't feel comfortable speaking about such an issue with someone so close to my daily activities.

>"(BTW; just look around you in a crowd / in the streets: Do you consider everybody in a couple to have a

"nice" body?? Yet they have found somebody who loves them and is also attracted by their body.)"

< In my (messed up mind) I don't feel like people should be in a relationship and don't deserve love if they

aren't perfect. I know it's an improper way of thinking but it's the way I think.

[LaLa]

I've never considered opening up to anyone about this issue especially due to the intimacy of my anxiety.

I'm more concerned about paying for college right now. I know they have therapists at my college but I

wouldn't feel comfortable speaking about such an issue with someone so close to my daily activities.

Yes, most of us had/have big problems with sharing intimate issues with somebody in person. (I can speak from my experiences. I've been in therapy for 2 years and I didn't tell the therapist about some issues until after several months - and as far as I know, it's quite common when too intimate/delicate issues are concerned. The therapists know it, they know everybody needs his/her time to get ready to talk about some things.) Now you might ask: "What would be the weeks or months before telling him good for??" Well, they would be good for talking about some of the issues (as your perfectionism in general (or in some other areas), then just some parts of your body, just some of the anxieties about dating, ... and some of the influences of your family) and, mainly, for learning to talk about it, to think about it differently and for building a sufficiently trustful relationship with the therapist so that you'd become able to talk about the so far hidden issues. (You could even explicitly say "there's something I don't want to mention so far, but occasionally I'll mention it like "THE issue" or "my family influence in THE context", ...")

I see that their "closeness to your daily activities" might feel uncomfortable. But it would be very improbable to meet the therapist by accident at school - and even when something like that happens (it sometimes happens to those who only live in the same city, no need to such a closeness), it then becomes one of the topic of the therapy session and the unpleasant feelings about it can be resolved.

In my (messed up mind) I don't feel like people should be in a relationship and don't deserve love if they aren't perfect. I know it's an improper way of thinking but it's the way I think.

OK, but this doesn't contradict my argument: Even if you think they don't deserve it, you can see that they do get it .

Well, but of course the aim is to challenge this thinking. It's a good start that you acknowledge that it's improper!

Maybe you could try to explore here (by writing about it) everything that made you feel that way in your childhood. You've mentioned only the way your relatives talked about other men. But what about you? How they used to relate to you and talk about you??

BTW, there is also some literature (also on-line) about children raised without father (I'm one of them, my mom has never been married and we lived alone - just we two) and it can be very interesting and eye-opening. Try to google "paternal deprivation", for instance.

[Strawberrypam]

Hello i am new here too. The way you look at yourself is not good. Everybody has issues about their own body, and people always tend to think the grass is greener on the other side. You need to learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself. And size really isn't an issue. Actually the men I been with that were bigger were the worst in sex and it hurts too. I guess they think just cause its big they don't have to do anything. Its not very hard to please a woman and you are young you still got a lot of banging in your future. Women love foreplay, making out, bite here, nibble there, lick this, lick that, groping her breast and butt, oral sex to get her to cum then start humping her. and if you don't feel like you are pleasing a woman just ask her what she likes, I am sure she will tell you.

Its pretty cruel how your sisters and mother talked about men i guess it was just girl talk. I heard lots of women talk about penis size and most don't really like them big, it hurts and you can't really enjoy it unless she's a masochist and has psychological issues but thats another issue. I suggest get a girlfriend and experiment with her. Try to be open sexually. Try different things and see how she responds. Sex is way better when you actually love that person.

ITs good that you care about your appearance but be happy too and try to love who you are. Most women find confidence super attractive (thats why you sometimes see fat ugly guys with good looking women). Sex is not about penis size or breast size etc its about feeling comfortable, enjoying it and learning new experiences.

[JakeC21]

"You've mentioned only the way your relatives talked about other men. But what about you? How they used to relate to you and talk about you??" I was never close to my mother and oldest sister but I was and still am close with my sister who is 5 years older than me. We are like twins. The only memorable negative comment I ever received from my family was that "no one likes a pizza face." They told me that as a way of motivating me to take care of my acne when I started breaking out during high school. I don't think they understood how self-conscious I already was and that comment only made things worse.

I have an additional question. If and when I decide to start dating should I explain to her my insecurities about my size or should I not mention it and hope she enjoys what I have to offer? Would my insecurities turn her off or influence her opinion on my body?

[LaLa]

I'm sorry they had such a comment, but they probably didn't mean it as harshly as you interpreted it. They supposed, wrongly, it was motivational. There's no reason to consired it important or expressing everybody's opinion.

To your question: It depends very much on the girl. I don't think there's "one right answer". I suppose that it's probably better not to show much these insecurities and just let her to make her own opinion first. Then, when you'll become more intimate (also psychically, of course), you may tell her more about it - the insecurities probably will be already smaller then. But that's just my opinion...

[Victimorthecrime]

So am I to understand that your mother knew you had a small penis and engaged in conversation w your sisters ridiculing men that they knew to possess small penis?

If that truely is the case I would cut them out of my life immediately and permanently.

[Wastedlife]

My sister and mom make jokes sometimes about how small dicks cant satisfy women and laugh at them, they say real man have big ones...not knowing they are fucking killing me inside since I got a small one...I really hate this life. I got everything a guy would want except a decent size penis and I cant enjoy anything because of this one little failure of nature...

[malign]

Is it possible that your sister and mother are not representative of all women? Also, could this not be entirely without motive on their part (if they know your size, and particularly your concerns about it, they could be deliberately trying to hurt your feelings)?

I'm not offering my own opinions because I know they don't help. But maybe it can help you, to question your own assumptions. There are few absolutes in real life.

[Jeep]

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