I can't find a reason to live

AlexandraOFG · November 8, 2016

I can't seem to find a reason to live anymore. Everything is black. I am so scared. I am so scared. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel numb. My life is just shit. I'm so tired. I want it to end. I can't stop crying. I can't calm down. I feel like I'm trapped in this forever. It'll never be okay. I'm so scared. Please help me..

LaLa · November 8, 2016

Hello, Alexandra, welcome!

I'm so glad you came here to write about your feelings and thoughts (instead of not communicating and / or "acting out")!

I hear you . I understand that you feel like anything won't get better - we do feel that way when we are depressed and/or hit the bottom. It's a part of our problem, but it's not "a fact"; it's not true. Life is hurting now, but it can change and it will, if you stay and sustain the present.

Would you tell me what made you feel this way? What happened, who hurt you, ...?

Do you have someone to talk to about these problems?

Have you already tried psychotherapy?

I have many questions for you, I hope you'll be here to reply and to reflect on what to do to change your situation.

Best of luck!

Hugs!

AlexandraOFG · November 8, 2016

1 minute ago, LaLa said:

Hello, Alexandra, welcome!

I'm so glad you came here to write about your feelings and thoughts (instead of not communicating and / or "acting out")!

I hear you . I understand that you feel like anything won't get better - we do feel that way when we are depressed and/or hit the bottom. It's a part of our problem, but it's not "a fact"; it's not true. Life is hurting now, but it can change and it will, if you stay and sustain the present.

Would you tell me what made you feel this way? What happened, who hurt you, ...?

Do you have someone to talk to about these problems?

Have you already tried psychotherapy?

I have many questions for you, I hope you'll be here to reply and to reflect on what to do to change your situation.

Best of luck!

Hugs!

To answer your questions, it's very complicated. I have depression, anxiety and ocd. All of this together isn't helping me. I feel like I'm dying. I am so ashamed of myself. I am scared of getting out of bed, going home after school.. I'm just scared of everything. Who hurt me? My father. Donald Trump. Humans. My ex, who decided that it was a good idea to try to rape me. Lot of people. It's tiring. So so so tiring.

I do not have anyone to talk about any of this, that's why I'm here, letting it out.

I did, once, that's how I knew about my depression, insomnia, anxiety and ocd. But now I can't. It's way too expensive for me.

I keep looking for solutions, and I can't find any and I'm terrified and sad and numb and I feel like its WWIII in my head.

LaLa · November 8, 2016

Thank you for your clarifications, Alexandra!

I have to go now, so I'll write more later (hopefully). For the moment, I mostly want to let you know we're here to listen and to support you.

1 hour ago, AlexandraOFG said:

I feel like its WWIII in my head.

It's a very vivid image ... Can you look at this all like at an illness that you have, like when you have a physical illness, so it's "something bad happening in your head", but it can be slowly "moved out"; you can get rid of it, although it'll be complicated, mainly when you don't feel motivated - that's the most tricky part... I hope we can help with that a bit...

Could you at least be prescribed a medication against the anxiety? It's always easier to try to find solutions when overly strong emotins don't intervene...

IrmaJean · November 8, 2016

Hello, Alexandra, and welcome. My name is Beth. I’m sorry you're struggling so much.

It's good that you reached out today. We're here listening. I'm sorry that you don't have support at home. I hope there are some options for mental health care available to you.

I hear that you have been hurt and you feel afraid and tired. Maybe it helps to consider each moment in time and not think too far ahead? What action can you take today to help yourself?

I hope you continue to express yourself here at your level of comfort. Light and love--->>you.

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

23 hours ago, LaLa said:

Thank you for your clarifications, Alexandra!

I have to go now, so I'll write more later (hopefully). For the moment, I mostly want to let you know we're here to listen and to support you.

It's a very vivid image ... Can you look at this all like at an illness that you have, like when you have a physical illness, so it's "something bad happening in your head", but it can be slowly "moved out"; you can get rid of it, although it'll be complicated, mainly when you don't feel motivated - that's the most tricky part... I hope we can help with that a bit...

Could you at least be prescribed a medication against the anxiety? It's always easier to try to find solutions when overly strong emotins don't intervene...

I don't know why but it /won't/ stop. I am so tired. I am so so tired. I want to end it. I have to end it. I don't have money to get medication or even see a psychologist. It's useless to fight. I can't do it.

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

21 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Hello, Alexandra, and welcome. My name is Beth. I’m sorry you're struggling so much.

It's good that you reached out today. We're here listening. I'm sorry that you don't have support at home. I hope there are some options for mental health care available to you.

I hear that you have been hurt and you feel afraid and tired. Maybe it helps to consider each moment in time and not think too far ahead? What action can you take today to help yourself?

I hope you continue to express yourself here at your level of comfort. Light and love--->>you.

I do not have any mental health care available.

I am trying soooo hard to do that. But it's not working..I dont f-cking know why. I can't. I'm exhausted.

LaLa · November 9, 2016

Alexandra, I hear your pain... :sad_huggy:

Please, stay with us...

I have some time to write now, you may wait few minutes for my next post if you want to...

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

1 minute ago, LaLa said:

Alexandra, I hear your pain...

Please, stay with us...

I have some time to write now, you may wait few minutes for my next post if you want to...

I am so tired. So tired. I can't do it. I feel numb and sad and tired and I just keep trying and I can't understand what the fuck is happening into my head. So many thoughts, so many hateful things towards myself. I can't believe it. I am so exhausted of fighting against myself. I can't do it. I can't fight anymore.

LaLa · November 9, 2016

You wrote in your first post:

On 11/8/2016 at 8:11 PM, AlexandraOFG said:

Please help me..

I see it as a sign, given probably by your unconsciousness, that you still want to live. Is it possible you don't want to die, but only to get rid of the fear, self-hate, exhaustion, hopelessness? I see you can't figure out how to do it now, but it doesn't mean you won't later... [to be continued]

Edited November 9, 2016 by LaLa

LaLa · November 9, 2016

You're exhausted and confused by all the thoughts. You feel the need to fight, but you're momentarily blinded by depression and anxiety, so the only way you can see is suicide . But perhaps you could, for some time, try just not to fight, not to do anything about it - no self-harm, no killing, perhaps, to some extent, even no worries (?). In some situations, becoming numb is a temporary protective relief...

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

2 minutes ago, LaLa said:

You're exhausted and confused by all the thoughts. You feel the need to fight, but you're momentarily blinded by depression and anxiety, so the only way you can see is suicide . But perhaps you could, for some time, try just not to fight, not to do anything about it - no self-harm, no killing, perhaps, to some extent, even no worries (?). In some situations, becoming numb is a temporary protective relief...

You think that should help? I am fighting the feeling of being numb.. Maybe I shouldn't, for a bit at least.. Maybe it'll let me rest.. I am terrified, and I can't sleep. I will try to feel less things, so I can rest. because this is driving me crazy.. I'm so scared. Can I do it? I feel like I can't do it..

LaLa · November 9, 2016

I know it's not exactly "a decision" - to become numb; it either comes itself or doesn't, but... I think there are ways how one can sometimes try to achieve it (?). But I understand if it doesn't work for you now; I'm just sharing ideas as some might be potentially useful ...

25 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

I do not have any mental health care available.

Could you specify why? Are you living in a country where it's totally unavailable to a part of the population?

Are you sure there aren't some ways to get help? For instance; you're now suicidal and in all "standard" countries this is a condition that qualifies you for going to the emergency room and being hospitalized. I know hospitalisation doesn't sound like a "nice" perspective , but it could at least help you to calm your exaggerated emotions and to start to discuss your possibilities for help with professional mental health caretakers.

8 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

I am fighting the feeling of being numb

I'm a bit confused; you don't seemed numb to me, you seem agitated, full of fear, ... - just the opposite.

8 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

You think that should help?

I don't see it as "a cure", of course; I see it as a way (not ideal but sometimes the only one possible) how to survive some hours or days before "something gets better". And as a way to calm down to become, hopefully, able to think about some things without the dangerous interference of fear and intense acute self-hate.

Edited November 9, 2016 by LaLa

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

1 minute ago, LaLa said:

Could you specify why? Are you living in a country where it's totally unavailable to a part of the population?

No, I'm in France. The thing is, I am in a really poor family, and seeing a psychologist, or any mental health care one time, means I can't eat for lunch or dinner. I can't afford it.

3 minutes ago, LaLa said:

Are you sure there aren't some ways to get help? For instance; you're now suicidal and in all "standard" countries this is a condition that qualifies you for going to the emergency room and being hospitalized. I know hospitalisation doesn't sound like a "nice" perspective , but it could at least help you to calm your exaggerated emotions and to start to discuss your possibilities for help with professional mental health caretakers.

As I said, money. I don't have money. And my mother doesn't believe it is a true thing happening. I understand her. She doesn't want me to be like this. She just refuses it and stopped talking about it anytime I try to talk to her about what is happening. I stopped trying. And well, I do not want to be in a hospital.

5 minutes ago, LaLa said:

I'm a bit confused; you don't seemed numb to me, you seem agitated, full of fear, ... - just the opposite.

It's really weird. In my head. Sometimes, I feel like I don't feel a thing, and others, I just feel everything. And I am fighting the moments when I 'don't feel a thing' because it scares me. I never thought of it as a temporary relief.

6 minutes ago, LaLa said:

way to calm down

I will try. I need that.

LaLa · November 9, 2016

Thank you for your responses, A.! I'm glad you're willing to share more about you .

So, it seems France is a country where it's totally unavailable to a part of the population . To be poor shouldn't mean not to have access to healthcare (and this is a part of healthcare)!

4 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

And my mother doesn't believe it is a true thing happening. I understand her. She doesn't want me to be like this. She just refuses it and stopped talking about it

I'm sorry she's in such a denial! It's so frustrating when people who love you pretend to care but in fact just ignore reality... I understand that you gave up. And I imagine that your attempt to suicide would be also a way to show her that you've been very serious. Yes, it could change her mind, but... it also might not succeed to do so and it's really not worth trying.

May I ask also why your mother seems key in this? Are you still a minor and / or is she the only person who could give you money for therapy?

8 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

I do not want to be in a hospital.

Of course; most of us don't. But if you were mentally healthy and had, for instance, a car accident or a complicated pneumonia, would you also say "I prefer to suffer at home, I don't want to be in a hospital"? What's the difference? Are you sure there is one? Would you tell a close friend who would suffer from a mental illness and was offered to be treated in a hospital "Don't go, it's unpleasant to be in a hospital!"?

11 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

Sometimes, I feel like I don't feel a thing, and others, I just feel everything. And I am fighting the moments when I 'don't feel a thing' because it scares me.

Thanks for explaining. I think I understand it now. And yes; numbness can be scary, too . But our attitude can make some difference - if you tell yourself "this is at least a relief, this is a way how my brain tries to cope with the overwhelming emotions, it's natural and understandable", instead of "this is scary; I should feel something and I don't - something's wrong withe me", it could help. Because it really is a way how our brain tries to cope with overwhelming emotions and thoughts. It needs some rest sometimes and it can, in some cases (not everybody experiences the same!) it can do it this way. It's not something to be scared of.

Do you have some soothing music you like? Can you lie on/in your bed and listen to it for few hours, for instance? (Perhaps sleep will eventually come...) Or, when you feel hate or agression or even fear, you could try some physical activity (nothing exhausting and/or difficult (as a long intensive run, for instance)!! That could be dangerous.). When it's possible, going for a walk to a park (or "another" nature) can be very helpful (it's even scientifically proven).

I know those are not "solutions", but they are at least ways how to cope when you're acutely feeling overwhelmed by what's going on in your head. I hope you also have some moments when it's going better and when you're able to think more rationally about the options for receiving help and perhaps also change some things in your life for better...

Andromeda · November 9, 2016

Hi

I totally know how you feel. I suffer from ocd and depression and this is living Hell sometimes. Im from poor family too so I never had option to go to psychiatrist and take medication. I had moments when I feel numb too. But things can get better. Well there are days that may be awful, but you just have to keep fighting. I know its hard and painful battle and sometimes you just want pain to stop, but dont give up.

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

6 minutes ago, LaLa said:

May I ask also why your mother seems key in this? Are you still a minor and / or is she the only person who could give you money for therapy?

I have no idea.. Yes I am minor, and yes she is the only person who could give me money. Me and my father don't talk anymore.

7 minutes ago, LaLa said:

Would you tell a close friend who would suffer from a mental illness and was offered to be treated in a hospital "Don't go, it's unpleasant to be in a hospital!"?

You're probably right..

8 minutes ago, LaLa said:

Do you have some soothing music you like? Can you lie on/in your bed and listen to it for few hours, for instance? (Perhaps sleep will eventually come...) Or, when you feel hate or agression or even fear, you could try some physical activity (nothing exhausting and/or difficult (as a long intensive run, for instance)!! That could be dangerous.). When it's possible, going for a walk to a park (or "another" nature) can be very helpful (it's even scientifically proven).

I don't really have soothing music, but I do listen to music for hours at night. It's distracting me. I wish I could, but I'm scared of going out. I know it's stupid, but I'm afraid of people. I do not enjoy human contact at all, except with some friends.

10 minutes ago, LaLa said:

I hope you also have some moments when it's going better

I used to have some. Now I don't

AlexandraOFG · November 9, 2016

Just now, Andromeda said:

Hi

I totally know how you feel. I suffer from ocd and depression and this is living Hell sometimes. Im from poor family too so I never had option to go to psychiatrist and take medication. I had moments when I feel numb too. But things can get better. Well there are days that may be awful, but you just have to keep fighting. I know its hard and painful battle and sometimes you just want pain to stop, but dont give up.

Don't give up either.

LaLa · November 9, 2016

9 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

I wish I could, but I'm scared of going out. I know it's stupid, but I'm afraid of people. I do not enjoy human contact at all, except with some friends.

It's not "stupid" at all. See it as a symptom. It has its (hidden) reasons (=it's understandable) and it can be cured.

Not enjoying human contact (except friends) can be a part of a "so called normal" personality. Being afraid of people... means you have some very bad experiences with some of them; do you?

I'm sorry it prevents you from going out - the soothing power of nature is often underestimated... Yet, every phobia can be cured, at least to some extend. Some can even be alleviated by your own efforts, without psychotherapy, as far as I know. The best would probably be to start with a friend who would accompany you. Is it better when you're not alone "in a crowd" / on a street, but with a friend?

May I ask how bad is your phobia? Can you at least go out when it's inevitable, can't you? So... the trick could be to convince yourself that going for a walk is inevitable because it's one of the few "healthcares" that is free.

18 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

I do listen to music for hours at night. It's distracting me.

Good . Perhaps you could try to find some soothing / calm / slow music, even sad; something that would provide some relief, not just distraction. For instance, I've loved songs that made me cry when I listened to them. (Crying is a form of relief, too...)

21 minutes ago, AlexandraOFG said:

Now I don't

What does "now" mean? How long do you feel this way without getting any better?

I'm sorry I have to go off-line soon; I hope I'll see you here tomorrow and later...

Take care!

AlexandraOFG · November 14, 2016

On 11/9/2016 at 11:07 PM, LaLa said:

May I ask also why your mother seems key in this? Are you still a minor and / or is she the only person who could give you money for therapy?

I have no idea.. Yes I am minor, and yes she is the only person who could give me money. Me and my father don't talk anymore.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:07 PM, LaLa said:

Would you tell a close friend who would suffer from a mental illness and was offered to be treated in a hospital "Don't go, it's unpleasant to be in a hospital!"?

You're probably right..

On 11/9/2016 at 11:07 PM, LaLa said:

Do you have some soothing music you like? Can you lie on/in your bed and listen to it for few hours, for instance? (Perhaps sleep will eventually come...) Or, when you feel hate or agression or even fear, you could try some physical activity (nothing exhausting and/or difficult (as a long intensive run, for instance)!! That could be dangerous.). When it's possible, going for a walk to a park (or "another" nature) can be very helpful (it's even scientifically proven).

I don't really have soothing music, but I do listen to music for hours at night. It's distracting me. I wish I could, but I'm scared of going out. I know it's stupid, but I'm afraid of people. I do not enjoy human contact at all, except with some friends.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:07 PM, LaLa said:

AlexandraOFG · November 14, 2016

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

It's not "stupid" at all. See it as a symptom. It has its (hidden) reasons (=it's understandable) and it can be cured.

You're sure it isn't stupid? How can it be cured?

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

Being afraid of people... means you have some very bad experiences with some of them; do you?

I do.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

The best would probably be to start with a friend who would accompany you. Is it better when you're not alone "in a crowd" / on a street, but with a friend?

I don't have many friends. And I'm not comfortable with going out with them either.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

Can you at least go out when it's inevitable, can't you?

Yeah I can. It's hard, but I can.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

to convince yourself that going for a walk is inevitable because it's one of the few "healthcares" that is free.

I try already but it doesn't work.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

Perhaps you could try to find some soothing / calm / slow music, even sad; something that would provide some relief, not just distraction. For instance, I've loved songs that made me cry when I listened to them. (Crying is a form of relief, too...)

If you have any that I should try, tell me. And I can't really cry. I never have the occasion.

On 11/9/2016 at 11:40 PM, LaLa said:

What does "now" mean? How long do you feel this way without getting any better?

Now means that before I used to have good and bad moments, like everyone. Now it's just.. Not working anymore. I started feeling this was 3 years ago.

Sorry for the very late reply. I was in a hospital.

LaLa · November 15, 2016

5 hours ago, AlexandraOFG said:

You're sure it isn't stupid?

Would you call it "stupid" if you had a physical illness? This is very similar; you have a psychological disorder and having fear going out is a symptom. I encourage you to seek at least some on-line resources (some people say it's possible to get better with them even without actual psychotherapy. so it's worth trying). For instance:

http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/how-to-cure-social-anxiety

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/what-is-social-anxiety/411556/

or https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/personal-stories/how-i-achieved-my-cure-panic-disorder-and-agoraphobia

etc. - you have to search and choose according to your particular situation.

5 hours ago, AlexandraOFG said:

And I can't really cry. I never have the occasion.

This may be a part of your problems . There are depressed people who can't cry, I know. I don't have "an advise", I just wanted to point out that perhaps you could "explore" more this issue - the reasons and perhaps the ways to "let yourself cry" when you're very sad...

5 hours ago, AlexandraOFG said:

If you have any that I should try, tell me.

There isn't anything you "should" try . I just suggested searching for something and trying. I cannot know what you may like and dislike - tastes are so various, so different!

I "used", for this purpose, songs in my mother tongue that I can't share because you wouldn't understand and so they wouldn't have the effect. But I can share some examples in English that come to mind (I don't have any tips in French, sorry). I'm trying to propose a very "diverse" offer, but it's still very much reflecting my own taste, so... it's possible you won't like it .