Jump to content
Mental Support Community

I've been disowned...


langsa
 Share

Recommended Posts

Yes, I'm being disowned by my mother. My father long since disappeared, and the other people in my family don't get along with me. So now I have no family.

I'm a 17-year-old girl and I go to a boarding school. I'm in my senior year, and I'm not doing so hot. I failed two classes last marking period, and the same two this marking period. For this, my mother disowned me. I have the full email my mother sent me for those interested.

All I ask is for some moral support.

Edited by langsa
Addition
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is totally unfair, langsa!! Is that even legal? In our country you would still be a minor at 17. There are many of us here that suffer from lousy family relationships, so yes, we can share in your pain. Is this an emotional break with your mother or is she withdrawing financial support too? Can you still live at your boarding school?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there,

I to was disowned by my family at the age of 15. My mother sent me to live with my suicidal father because she wanted to stay married to the man who was beating me up and molesting my sister. Nice. My father's psychiatrist told him that I was too much stress and that he should "get rid of me". My dad sent me a letter while I was on vacation telling me I wasn't welcome back home and that he'd send me my things. Again, nice.

I floated around a while, living in friends homes and youth hostels until I finally got out of high school, then went to college, believe it or not.

Where I'm going with this is that you can survive this and you will be fine, just don't do what I did. I didn't talk to anybody about what was going on in my head, about all the pain and heartbreak I was feeling, about how lonely and useless and unlovable I felt. I just stuffed it all way down deep and let it fester. It was years later that I finally came to grips with all the crap that I was hiding. I still deal with it from time to time, and I am convinced that if I'd just spoken to someone early on, and I mean really spoke to them, just dumped it all out there for someone else to hear and react to, I would've been much better off.

I know it's hard to be rejected by those who are supposed to be there no matter what, but it doesn't make you a broken person. They are the ones who are not dealing with things well, not you. You are being asked to do something that not many young people have to deal with, but, it is your opportunity to find out what you are made of.

I came up with an analogy for myself, perhaps it'll help illustrate what I'm getting at.

I compare self esteem to a fire that keeps you warm and lights your way in the dark. When we are young, our parents are supposed to stoke that fire and make it strong so that we can go out and face the world. When they don't help us create that fire, we tend to latch on to others who seem to have a bright flame... we use the fire of others to light our way and to make us warm, but that can be dangerous, because if that other person leaves, we're left in the dark again, cold and alone. You've got to find ways to stoke your own fire... to create a strong sense of self and self esteem... don't focus on the sad, hurtful things that have happened, or are happening. Focus on your strengths and the things you like about yourself. Being a teenager is hard enough without this extra burden, so be kind to yourself, and know that it's alright to be angry, sad, confused, scared... but it's also alright to ask for help and to reach out to others.

I hope this helps in some way,

Take care,

Jimmyfay2

Edited by jimmyfay2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree you need to speak with someone about this. Can you talk to a school counselor or a teacher about your mother's message to you? This is rather heavy material, and it is important that someone at school can give you some support. For anything, if you have a problem and you don't speak up, no one can give you the help you need.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hi Langsa,

I agree with Kaudio, this is heavy stuff and you are very young. There must be a guidance counselor of some kind at the boarding school?

From my experience with this, sometimes young people start failing their classes because they get scared of graduating and facing the real world. They are not aware of this, of course, but it is deep down. Is it possible this is true of you?

What country do you live in and where is your father? Why were you sent to boarding school and has your mother always been this way with you?

Please tell us more about yourself.

Allan :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • 6 months later...

My heart goes out to you, yes I've been there too... Everyone I've ever known has disowned me at some point. I have a husband and a son, but I can't help but feel it's only a matter of time before they too disown me!! It's only natural I guess, given such an early and thorough rejection from the people/person who were supposed to love me more than anyone/thing on earth.

Do see a counselor, you definitely need guidance. If the counselor tells you something discouraging ask someone else! Keep asking!!! I gave up, and oh I wish I'd had someone to tell me ASK SOMEONE ELSE!

Get your education. You lack family, you lack funds. You MUST get something noone can take away from you. I wasn't astute enough to realize this. You must do everything you can to stay in school and do as well as you can. Don't give a hoot if people tell you "oh that's a worthless degree" if it means something to you it's not worthless. Even if you don't work in that field it will show any employer anywhere that you jumped through certain difficult hoops and it will help!

Most importantly, be your own parent. Tell yourself kind things about yourself. Treat yourself as if you are your own cherished daughter. It may sound silly but someday you might be a mom yourself, so you'll have had practice not acting like your mother.

Good luck and take care!

Jane

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, I'm being disowned by my mother. My father long since disappeared, and the other people in my family don't get along with me. So now I have no family.

I'm a 17-year-old girl and I go to a boarding school. I'm in my senior year, and I'm not doing so hot. I failed two classes last marking period, and the same two this marking period. For this, my mother disowned me. I have the full email my mother sent me for those interested.

All I ask is for some moral support.

Langsa,

I am very sorry you have to experience such terrible rejection ! I don't understand how a other could disown their child for class failure. I am wondering if your mother has some of her own personal problems going on? Perhaps she is dealing with issues of her own that she feels stressed out over, and taking it out on you?

If your mother is emotionally unstable , this could mean why she is having a difficult time coping with any of your stuff too? Or she sees this as a reflection of herself, failing as your mother , therefore taking out her anger directly onto you.

I do not know what is going on with her, however, it is effecting you now. This is why I feel so bad for you. If you can separate your mothers "issues" from your own , maybe it will help you cope .

Now is the time for you to do aLL you can to take care of yourself, and try your best in your classess.

I'd aso like to suggest counseling to you , so you may have the support and guidance needed into reaching your goals. Try to stay positive and focused in school . Talk to a counselor, and share your thoughts and feelings, because they do matter, you matter.

cathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are not alone - my parents just disowned me last June. I am still grieving the loss. Please realize that there will be a greiving process and that a counselor can help you thru this. I still struglle with the anger, guilt and shame for being who I am (lesbian)which they blame for their decision, but this is not the reality of the situation. I am choosing to say to myself - why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I will choose my own family. Don't think this makes the pain go away, but I have found many other caring people who accept me and support me. Including this community. You are not alone and hopefully you will find the support offered here of asssitance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through! I don't get how a parent can do that either. My father also disowned me when I was 17, with my mother and sisters ligned up to watch as he reemed into me... I was lucky in that my mom and sisters continued to contact me, and with time things became better with my dad as well.

Adults can do crazy things, things they eventually regret, so know that one day things could be different. But for the time being you need to find someone you trust to discuss options with, to get support and to just talk about what you are living. There are many social services out there and a school councellor may be a good option to begin with.

Do you have any other adults in your life that can offer support and advice? Grand-parents, aunts. Try to reach out to them if you can, blessings come when we reach out ... Just make sure you don't isolate, that's really important. It is so easy to do but it is not healthy when we are going through intense emotional situations.

Good luck and keep reaching out!

Edited by Symora
typo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow. wow. wow.

i had my own issues similar to yours. I been trying to reach my mom to reconcile things. it is hard when you feel rejected by someone who society and culture tells us are supposed to love and care for us throughout our life. its sad, but my best advice is to dig deep and get through your graduation, find a counselor to help you cope with your emotions. Don't let them sit there! I made that mistake!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hi TTjack,

You said it perfectly:

I been trying to reach my mom to reconcile things. it is hard when you feel rejected by someone who society and culture tells us are supposed to love and care for us throughout our life.

The fact is that there are parents who are not loving and are very rejecting. Some of these parents are ones who demand that children (even after they reach adulthood) obey and do as they are told, and there are parents who are just plain mean, sadistic and rejecting.

Yet, the Ten Commandments tell us to "Honor Thy Mother and Father." Is this always possible? I have seen too many cases of abuse that is why I am asking this question.

What do you all think?

Allan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The question you ask requires a complicated answer.

Here is my basic answer:

You cannot honor someone who doesn't honor you.

"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV)"

I have many questions. How does the text account for people who are so unfortunate? What about people who were never fully trained on the ways of the text because of poor teachers? What if as sinners we all just naturally fail because we are destined to be a sinner anyhow and ooohhh THANK GOD Jesus was sent to earth to save our soul from sins. We are all going to heaven! Murder away and don't respect your parents children!!!!! No need to understand the text anyway we all go to heaven. Free pass to heaven as long as you accept Jesus as your savior and are dipped in toilet water. In my current state of intelligence and understanding someone 5000 years ago wrote something that some how tells me how I should live today that doesn't even take into account the control and helplessness induced by our environment. Obey. Obey. Obey. You'll get a long life. :confused: and :mad:

If I wasn't taught to believe in this stuff, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hi TTjack,

Well, I did not mean to get into a religious discussion or a discussion of scripture. I was really trying to tell you that it is not your job to reconcile with someone who has treated you so badly. It is her job to reconcile with you. However, I understand the importance of this to you.

I just want to press the idea that you are an OKAY person. It is not your fault that you were treated so badly.

Allan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ASchwartz - I only now really understand that those things are not my fault. It took a while to not be so harsh on myself and even today its like growing out of that part of me where I'm not blaming me for those things that were difficult for me in my life. I wish I wasn't 25 and dealing with it. I wish I dealt with it when I was well prior to my 20's because none of this stuff really 'hit' me until I was around 22 where I came out of the college years, the bar scene, my first corporate job, and then it just all sank over my shoulders. The earlier years after I just pushed through and stuffed down all the emotions and, but when I accomplished my goals, I was like WTF who am I and who doesn't know who they are at 22?

JulianP - You nailed it on the head. Every one of your points are dead on.

You make a very good claim about honoring yourself and describing how to deal with someone or something that will most likely never make the effort to reconcile with yourself. After all how do they know what you need to do that? Another thing you hit on the head was the intellectualizing and religious ideas. I spent a lot of time focusing on understanding 'life' rather then focusing on living it. It is scary to look ahead because you don't know whats coming and it is easy to look behind because its a safe place, like you mentioned its a loyalty spot, you don't have to embrace and open up to the new possibilities, you can say stuck in a story that has long gone and doesn't really matter now unless you make it matter to you now, if that makes sense. My problems are emotional in nature, in general i am rigid emotionally, i'm happy and have fun, but I tense up and have fluctuations and can easily become frustrated and focus on the wrong things, and have a hard time enjoying and accepting happiness. it is easier and more familiar to be angry, sad, negative, and freak out in the negative then it is to be happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi TTjack,

You said it perfectly:

The fact is that there are parents who are not loving and are very rejecting. Some of these parents are ones who demand that children (even after they reach adulthood) obey and do as they are told, and there are parents who are just plain mean, sadistic and rejecting.

Yet, the Ten Commandments tell us to "Honor Thy Mother and Father." Is this always possible? I have seen too many cases of abuse that is why I am asking this question.

What do you all think?

Allan

NO! it has been my experience that this is not always possible. My background has taught me what is best is to cut off those ties. Be resonsible for your own life and future. Stop the craziness of the control a abusive parent may have had on you as a child and still as an adult, because it is never worth the misery and heartache, of these type of toxic parents .

The pain seems to stay deep inside , however, it can be managed by moving on and achieving your own goals and achieviments.

Oddly , the same parents may suddenly take interest when a woman gives birth . A new baby , seems to spark their attention . However, in no way is it a given right for your abusive parents to enter back into your life.

My point is , that as your life changes and becomes full enriched and you start your own family , it is no invatation to welcome your parents back .

Take care of yourself and your needs, and do not let your parents ruin your life. Parents do not always no best . Esp. when their is abuse involved.

I was out of the house at 16yrs old. Back again in my early 20's then kicked out because of a severe eating disorder, these were foster parents > I had already been taken away from my biological parents at a young age due to extreme abuse only to be brought up with more . Life is not easy .

However, you learn to survive. Survive by making good choices for yourself and always keeping your goals within reach. Know that you are a good and wonderful person , and deserve so much better , and more in your life. Surround yourself with good, positive people. Build a support system around you , that people care about you and you can trust, lean on in rough times .

That is how you survive. Toxic parents and families suck , however you can arrise above it, and live a happy , successful, life .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...