Advice: Stay or Walk Away?

[BellaMeilan]

9 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

Incredible lengths I guess. I mean, anything in my power. Why, did you have a question/example in mind? I mean I would definitely at the very least not fuck things up with her by not listening to her and blocking her out. And I feel like your boyfriend is on the verge of doing just that.

He has been through a lot and I certainly understand his emotional shut downs and I am patient. We actually have a great relationship overall. But, if I can help him with his confidence and realizing he is more than his penis, it would be awesome. 

[BellaMeilan]

7 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

I actually agree with what she is saying here, and I think you took it a little personally Small. She has obviously been understanding and patient. I mean, dude, they are going on 8 months right now! She has stood by this guy for 8 months without any sexual attention paid to her. Are you kidding? She is only asking the logical question of "how long can I continue to let him be consumed by this one issue." Yes, I am SPS, and yes, I realize that the problem affects me everyday, but I would never let it get in the way of a girl trying to love me! Now, if she had just met this guy and was talking about "time to man up", that I could understand. But she has been SO PATIENT. A saint!

Thank you! @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero I do believe that this is why this continues to be a widespread issue. Women like us seek to understand the issue and be patient, we make one comment and it feels like we are attacked. No one is perfect here. I didn’t mean to offend with the “man up” comment. But, I do think exchanges like the one that I had with Small would discourage women from speaking up and joining a forum like this. Sometimes people speak from slight frustration and not trying to be offensive. It got to a point where that exchange was unproductive and emotionally exhaustive. 

I am glad you and others have been objective and despite my unintentional offense can see what I am trying to say. Thanks @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero

[BellaMeilan]

7 minutes ago, Small said:

@BellaMeilan

Well that settles it. Do what you feel is right for you. The only reason I engaged you again was because of your "man up" comment. As a small penised man on an SPS platform, i wouldn't let the pope himself speak to my colleagues that way. I believe that ends our correspondence. My best wishes to you. 

Same to you. No hard feelings but I think you took the comment personal. It was not meant to be offensive but it is just frustrating. Maybe some are so used to women being shallow that even the ones who aren’t are put into that box. We come here to learn and openly exchange ideas not to feel that we are being attacked because of a misstep that I clearly apologized for. I think this is why women would avoid joining forums like this and actively engaging. Best wishes

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

If only there were more Bellas in the world. You have no idea how amazing it would be to meet a girl like you who has shown so much compassion and love on this issue. I can tell you are genuinely concerned and that you love your boyfriend. Like I said, I really wish he knew how lucky he is. Most girls wouldn't have lasted a week in your position. I almost cried for a second time a few minutes ago reading your posts, Bella. It's so beautiful to see love in its purest and truest form. You have no idea how much I pray the girl I eventually date is even close to how you think on this issue. Pure and utter compassion and sympathy...it's rare to see but amazing when you do see it.

[BellaMeilan]

1 minute ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

If only there were more Bellas in the world. You have no idea how amazing it would be to meet a girl like you who has shown so much compassion and love on this issue. I can tell you are genuinely concerned and that you love your boyfriend. Like I said, I really wish he knew how lucky he is. Most girls wouldn't have lasted a week in your position. I almost cried for a second time a few minutes ago reading your posts, Bella. It's so beautiful to see love in its purest and truest form. You have no idea how much I pray the girl I eventually date is even close to how you think on this issue. Pure and utter compassion and sympathy...it's rare to see but amazing when you do see it.

Thank you @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero. I am not perfect but I am trying because I truly love him and I know that he loves me. It is an everyday struggle and I realize that I am probably not what he is used to, but I am showing him that I am not bailing at the first sign of trouble. We all have insecurities. We all have issues. When I met him, I met an amazing person. His penis was not even an issue. We established our connection and he raised the issue in the beginning so I guess if I wanted to I could bail. I’ve never experienced an SPS issue before so I am new to this. I almost left the forum and deactivated my account because I felt misunderstood and attacked. I never meant to offend anyone and realize these issues run deep. I don’t want to hurt anyone here either. I apologize. It’s hard when someone you love struggles with an issue that you still love them for. Then, for him, not to feel worthy of my love also hurts too. There is no other guy that I want to be with in the world. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

I never until now connected this dream to SPS (and maybe it's wrong to connect it, for I feel like the acceptance and comfort I felt in the dream went way beyond physical acceptance) but the most intense dream I ever had was 5-6 years ago I feel like, and all I really remember about it (besides the feeling) was it was me crying (or was I crying, I don't remember,) but my face was partially rested on her chest and she was holding me and whoever this female was. (She was young, I could tell that my subconscious was telling me she was "the one" or the girl that I had been looking for my whole life) but we were in this golf course parking lot (a lot of my dreams take place out where I grew up, in fact the forest behind the house out there is a sacred place, all I have ever wanted to do is to show a girl my forest and play like children in it) anyways, so I'm crying in this girls arms and feeling the biggest sense of relief I had ever felt in my entire life. Like I had finally found her, like...the level of comfort. It's unfair to try to put in words like I will right here when I say it was like everything was going to be okay, I was safe, she understood me and accepted me for who I am (again, unfair to try to put in words, it was an acceptance like nothing else). It was, man, it was the best dream by far I have ever had. Anyways, sorry to ramble on, but I guess what I am trying to say is I dream of being able to feel that way with another female human being like I did in that dream. To be able to cry in her arms, and for her to not think "eww...weird" or to overly try to comfort you, or to try to say things outloud to try to make you feel better, all the girl in that dream did was HOLD ME. And, gees, that is quite sad. Now you can see how lonely I truly am lol. okay, I am finished lol.

[BellaMeilan]

3 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

I never until now connected this dream to SPS (and maybe it's wrong to connect it, for I feel like the acceptance and comfort I felt in the dream went way beyond physical acceptance) but the most intense dream I ever had was 5-6 years ago I feel like, and all I really remember about it (besides the feeling) was it was me crying (or was I crying, I don't remember,) but my face was partially rested on her chest and she was holding me and whoever this female was. (She was young, I could tell that my subconscious was telling me she was "the one" or the girl that I had been looking for my whole life) but we were in this golf course parking lot (a lot of my dreams take place out where I grew up, in fact the forest behind the house out there is a sacred place, all I have ever wanted to do is to show a girl my forest and play like children in it) anyways, so I'm crying in this girls arms and feeling the biggest sense of relief I had ever felt in my entire life. Like I had finally found her, like...the level of comfort. It's unfair to try to put in words like I will right here when I say it was like everything was going to be okay, I was safe, she understood me and accepted me for who I am (again, unfair to try to put in words, it was an acceptance like nothing else). It was, man, it was the best dream by far I have ever had. Anyways, sorry to ramble on, but I guess what I am trying to say is I dream of being able to feel that way with another female human being like I did in that dream. To be able to cry in her arms, and for her to not think "eww...weird" or to overly try to comfort you, or to try to say things outloud to try to make you feel better, all the girl in that dream did was HOLD ME. And, gees, that is quite sad. Now you can see how lonely I truly am lol. okay, I am finished lol.

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero One morning we woke up and he was laying in my arms. I just held him and let him know everything is OK. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

7 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

I almost left the forum and deactivated my account because I felt misunderstood and attacked. I never meant to offend anyone and realize these issues run deep. I don’t want to hurt anyone here either. I apologize. It’s hard when someone you love struggles with an issue that you still love them for. Then, for him, not to feel worthy of my love also hurts too.

Nooo don't do that. Look, Bella you have seen first hand how sensitive guys are about this issue. I mean your boyfriend has trouble even talking about it with you. It's natural for some guys to hear a girl say "it's time to put up or shut up" and take it personally because that exact phrase (or the meaning of the phrase) may have been used against him in the past. From the posts he made afterwards, I could tell that he might not take your compassion seriously. You have to understand that us SPS guys are used to girls just brushing our issue off like it's nothing. (And that's the worst thing you can say when a SPS guy opens up to you about his condition and you say someting like "I'm sure it's not that small" or "The guys in porn make you guys think you're small but you're not." I only hope that when I do talk to whoever I eventually (if it ever happens that is) date, she is as understanding as you. But the fact that Small took offense to such a comment shows that this shit is really hard and that you were wise to come on here and ask us about how to approach it. Imagine the pain your boyfriend must have been in after this ex cheated on him because of his size? A girl who is selfish and ugly on the inside would say "fuck him, I'll move on" (and I think that's what Smalls might have been thinking you were meaning by that comment) but only a girl who is truly beautiful, caring, and accepting would actually put the months of time in and come on a SPS support website (which I had no idea existed until today lol)

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

5 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

One morning we woke up and he was laying in my arms. I just held him and let him know everything is OK.

That is exactly what you should do after you guys first do your sexual things together. He will be in a vulnerable spot after showing (and using) his penis with you, he'll be worried about what you are thinking, he'll be telling himself "it's over, she's going to leave me". This is the time you need to grab a hold of him and become that girl from my dream! If he cries, let him cry and don't say anything other than maybe "it's okay" or what not. I know you'll do great, you are a beautiful human being! You just have to let me know how it goes!

[BellaMeilan]

7 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

Nooo don't do that. Look, Bella you have seen first hand how sensitive guys are about this issue. I mean your boyfriend has trouble even talking about it with you. It's natural for some guys to hear a girl say "it's time to put up or shut up" and take it personally because that exact phrase (or the meaning of the phrase) may have been used against him in the past. From the posts he made afterwards, I could tell that he might not take your compassion seriously. You have to understand that us SPS guys are used to girls just brushing our issue off like it's nothing. (And that's the worst thing you can say when a SPS guy opens up to you about his condition and you say someting like "I'm sure it's not that small" or "The guys in porn make you guys think you're small but you're not." I only hope that when I do talk to whoever I eventually (if it ever happens that is) date, she is as understanding as you. But the fact that Small took offense to such a comment shows that this shit is really hard and that you were wise to come on here and ask us about how to approach it. Imagine the pain your boyfriend must have been in after this ex cheated on him because of his size? A girl who is selfish and ugly on the inside would say "fuck him, I'll move on" (and I think that's what Smalls might have been thinking you were meaning by that comment) but only a girl who is truly beautiful, caring, and accepting would actually put the months of time in and come on a SPS support website (which I had no idea existed until today lol)

Yes, thanks @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero You’re right. I just felt extremely guilty about the comment that I didn’t mean in that way. Wow! I read your other posts and you seem to understand both issues perfectly. I could have said “I’m leaving” but coming here and reading others experience made me understand it’s deeper than I expected. Sometimes, I think when he shuts down, he knows that I will come running to him to validate and encourage him. I just don’t agree with body shaming and I want him to be comfortable with himself. I love every part of him truly. I just need to be a little more patient with him, I think. Yes, I realized SPS is a sensitive issue and I just don’t want to say the wrong thing to him or anyone here. My desire is to learn and educate myself not to hurt.

[BellaMeilan]

9 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

That is exactly what you should do after you guys first do your sexual things together. He will be in a vulnerable spot after showing (and using) his penis with you, he'll be worried about what you are thinking, he'll be telling himself "it's over, she's going to leave me". This is the time you need to grab a hold of him and become that girl from my dream! If he cries, let him cry and don't say anything other than maybe "it's okay" or what not. I know you'll do great, you are a beautiful human being! You just have to let me know how it goes!

I think this is part of the reason that he wanted to establish the foundation first. He probably feels that if I am more in love with him. I am less likely to leave. He seems open to using toys and he talks about his desire to please me orally. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

Wow. After my 30 minute epic cry earlier (which you can read all about on my second post of this page, and then nearly crying again seeing that there is indeed beautiful human beings left in the world (well, perhaps only one, this Bella), and then that opened my emotional flood gates and I wrote about that dream. THE DREAM? I haven't told anyone about that ever. But what I had in that dream, it's all I have EVER WANTED.

I guess what I am trying to say here is it's really cool that I have somewhere that I feel safe enough to talk about this kind of stuff. Especially when I know there are amazing people on here listening. And now there is a record of my thoughts. At least anyone can go and basically read my thoughts. They can see what I was thinking and see how much of a toll this issue has taken with me. And they can see what I truly desire most: that girl from the dream.

 

[BellaMeilan]

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Crying is good for the soul. I think you’re awesome!

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

3 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

I think this is part of the reason that he wanted to establish the foundation first. He probably feels that if I am more in love with him. I am less likely to leave. He seems open to using toys and he talks about his desire to please me orally. 

Oh that's good to hear, Bella. I was afraid he had barely talked about any of that with you. Well, at least he has because that will go a long way if you make use of my "I just want to please you, do you want to please me?" line. (The reason being he has already talked about pleasing you, so of course he would have to say yes, or so I hope he does). His approach is very similar to many guys (maybe all?) who have SPS which is to hold off on sex for as long as possible and during that time, get the girl to love you so much that even when she is inevitably disappointed by your size, she won't just take off because she has invested time into you and may even love you (much like you love him). I myself would not want to have sex until at least the fifth or sixth date (and that's only after I know for sure that's what she wants), however, I don't know, maybe it's because I really want to learn how to please a woman, or I love how beautiful a girl's naked body is, or the whole "you're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry" (I use that Radiohead line a lot because girls skin...oh my god. My weakness. When I was in gradeschool and "dating" this girl, my girlfriend, my only girlfriend ever (pre-pubescent, see this shit didn't matter it was great), the girl I eventually got my 30 seconds with later on when our bodies matured lol. Anyways, what I would do with her is we would lie down together and I would just put my hand under her shirt and go up and down her back with my hand. That sensation: girl's skin. Oh my God. Anyways, because of all of those factors I could never see myself going 8 WHOLE MONTHS without at least getting you naked, Bella, lol.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

1 minute ago, BellaMeilan said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Crying is good for the soul. I think you’re awesome!

Oh, Bella, you don't even know. You are so great. I am going to go to sleep now. I feel a lot better than I did when I wrote that Facebook post though, and it's all thanks to you! Good night! Hopefully I will run into that girl from my dreams tonight! I'll let you know if I do! Tata!

[BellaMeilan]

3 hours ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

Nooo don't do that. Look, Bella you have seen first hand how sensitive guys are about this issue. I mean your boyfriend has trouble even talking about it with you. It's natural for some guys to hear a girl say "it's time to put up or shut up" and take it personally because that exact phrase (or the meaning of the phrase) may have been used against him in the past. From the posts he made afterwards, I could tell that he might not take your compassion seriously. You have to understand that us SPS guys are used to girls just brushing our issue off like it's nothing. (And that's the worst thing you can say when a SPS guy opens up to you about his condition and you say someting like "I'm sure it's not that small" or "The guys in porn make you guys think you're small but you're not." I only hope that when I do talk to whoever I eventually (if it ever happens that is) date, she is as understanding as you. But the fact that Small took offense to such a comment shows that this shit is really hard and that you were wise to come on here and ask us about how to approach it. Imagine the pain your boyfriend must have been in after this ex cheated on him because of his size? A girl who is selfish and ugly on the inside would say "fuck him, I'll move on" (and I think that's what Smalls might have been thinking you were meaning by that comment) but only a girl who is truly beautiful, caring, and accepting would actually put the months of time in and come on a SPS support website (which I had no idea existed until today lol)

I think herein lies the problem or one of them. Most of what I have read here and just general research is that most SPS would love to have a supportive partner. But, to women, sometimes we feel like it’s self sabotage. Because you get the woman of your dreams and you constantly question her intentions. As I have stated, I understand in the beginning. But, after the trust and relationship are established, (and yes, there is still work to do) this shouldn’t be at the forefront as much. Any relationship is give and take. Women have additional things that we have to take care of in addition to our relationships like family and careers. We shouldn’t constantly have to give give give and not receive. Why is that OK just because a man has SPS? 

What if I am going through my own issues at the time that life brings. I may need a strong partner in that moment but if I am always tending to his needs then I am always giving. Women have insecurities too and need support too.

It’s amazing because the other young lady, who I can tell from her post is very caring, who has been in a relationship with a man that she believes suffers from SPS and has frequently ghosted her and disappeared, much of the advice that I have seen was more focused on his needs as opposed to hers. Why is it acceptable to ghost someone and she has to continue to make concessions for someone that hasn’t proved they are worthy of that sacrifice. Time is valuable. Why waste time on someone that seemingly treats a woman like this. Is this OK because he has SPS? No it’s not. This is the reason why I asked her in the most respectful way does she struggle with self esteem or insecure issues. 

I would like to understand from the many people in her and my thread an answer to this. 

[BellaMeilan]

@YOTH @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero @Victimorthecrime @johnlucas @BarryUK @lostboy1 Please see the questions I posed above I would be interested in your feedback on this issue and anyone else not tagged that has some insight. Thanks!

[BellaMeilan]

I also have another question if any of you are comfortable answering. Have any of you ever talked to your family about this, particularly your father’s? Is SPS hereditary? Did any of your fathers experience this? How did they deal with it? Have any of you felt suicidal? How did you eventually come to accept yourself? Any feedback would be great @YOTH @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero @BarryUK @lostboy1 @Victimorthecrime @johnlucas

[LostBoy]

5 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

For me,  the answer would be No. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly down for years and years and years. I am simply saying why lose a good woman over an insecurity that she embraces. After a while, it would get mentally draining. 

I have been married many years (over 15) and spoke to my wife, in the beginning of our relationship, about my penis size concerns. She was quite dismissive of the topic so I chose not to bring it up again once I realized that she wasn't comfortable with the discussion.

Many years later, I'm on this forum because I still have SPS. I have good periods and bad. I have done things in my marriage that almost sent my wife packing all stemming from SPS.

I say all of this just so you understand that this is like any other mental health issue. While it can be controllable, it is likely a life time sentence for him. There are very few therapists that specialize in SPS and no real in person support groups. Most guys, including myself, are not willing to talk to a therapist about this, especially if they have never really treated this problem.

I'm not trying to influence your path forward. I just wanted to make sure you realize that no amount of acceptance on your side will cure the problem. It may bury it, potentially for many years, but it sits just below the surface and can resurface very easily if triggered.

 

[BellaMeilan]

13 minutes ago, lostboy1 said:

I have been married many years (over 15) and spoke to my wife, in the beginning of our relationship, about my penis size concerns. She was quite dismissive of the topic so I chose not to bring it up again once I realized that she wasn't comfortable with the discussion.

Many years later, I'm on this forum because I still have SPS. I have good periods and bad. I have done things in my marriage that almost sent my wife packing all stemming from SPS.

I say all of this just so you understand that this is like any other mental health issue. While it can be controllable, it is likely a life time sentence for him. There are very few therapists that specialize in SPS and no real in person support groups. Most guys, including myself, are not willing to talk to a therapist about this, especially if they have never really treated this problem.

I'm not trying to influence your path forward. I just wanted to make sure you realize that no amount of acceptance on your side will cure the problem. It may bury it, potentially for many years, but it sits just below the surface and can resurface very easily if triggered.

 

Thank you @lostboy1 for your perspective. I am understanding more. I never considered it to be a mental health issue. Wow! I understand what you mean about the therapist and no one having the background to properly treat it.

Two additional questions if you are comfortable, if not I understand, you said you did things that almost made your wife leave are you comfortable giving more insight? Also, what types of things trigger your SPS? If she gives you constructive criticism on a non SPS issue just anything is it hard for you, do you withdraw?

[YOTH]

@BellaMeilan I've posted about it on here before, it's somewhere in the dusty archives of misery haha. It was a case of not wanting the pain anymore so I had to get my own back. It gets overlooked a lot but loving yourself or having your own feelings supercede anyone else is the best thing for everyone around you. People are happier when you're happy, that's just fact. When enemy No1 is yourself there's absolutely no hope. I'd bashed and beaten myself so hard over the years that there was barely anything left. As soon as I looked in the mirror and said "I've got your back nobody else matters, I've got you". Things slowly started to turn around. I was number 1 for the first time in 20 years. After that you have to find a state of peace, somewhere to go to. Once you have it you have come back to it every time you're down. it may take time, minutes, hours, days, but you come back. When you hate yourself people follow suit, they sense it. When you love yourself people sense that too and treat you accordingly. It's not once healed forever healed, it's heal and keep forgiving. People can be cruel, but so can I. As you see them you see yourself. I've just left a job because of this, it was too stressful on top of the work. But I let it go, I had to. The alternative is let it consume you all over again. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

7 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

I think herein lies the problem or one of them. Most of what I have read here and just general research is that most SPS would love to have a supportive partner. But, to women, sometimes we feel like it’s self sabotage. Because you get the woman of your dreams and you constantly question her intentions. As I have stated, I understand in the beginning. But, after the trust and relationship are established, (and yes, there is still work to do) this shouldn’t be at the forefront as much. Any relationship is give and take. Women have additional things that we have to take care of in addition to our relationships like family and careers. We shouldn’t constantly have to give give give and not receive. Why is that OK just because a man has SPS? 

What if I am going through my own issues at the time that life brings. I may need a strong partner in that moment but if I am always tending to his needs then I am always giving. Women have insecurities too and need support too.

Bella, good morning! Yes, I totally agree with you. You have done everything you could have done (and more). You have been sexually neglected for 7-8 months and have remained true to him. It's just so damn beautiful and I love that there is a girl like you out there. But to ask you to go any further, especially if he won't even talk about it or try to let you work on the issue with him (and by work on the issue, I mean, you know, WORK on the issue *wink* wink*), is just unfair and like we both agreed earlier at some point it's put up or shut up. Either, you are willing to work with me on this issue and come out of your shell, or this problem is going to be with you for the rest of your life (to the point of affecting the relationship negatively), and to expect me to stay by your side while you shut me out and not treat me like a true lover, is unfair. Now if you had just met him, that would be different for as you have seen on here SPS is a serious thing, but you have put your time in, and I feel like you almost have to put your foot down and be like "I'm taking off your pants now, relax, it will be okay, trust me, it will be more than okay, it will be wonderful. It's okay. I love you. Trust me, it will be okay. You will love it."

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

7 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

Have any of you ever talked to your family about this, particularly your father’s? Is SPS hereditary? Did any of your fathers experience this? How did they deal with it? Have any of you felt suicidal?

No, I have never talked to any of my family about this. And only a few friends know (and, no surprise here, they don't take me seriously and say things like "it's probably fine"). Yes, SPS is most of the time hereditary but not all the time I'm sure. Yes, my dad has SPS, but he was lucky and I don't know if you saw one of the other threads on here, the 30 year old guy whose dad is religious, but his dad was saying how lucky he was to have lived in a generation where you could marry your highschool sweetheart (and that is exactly what happened with my dad, although my mom left him but not until 35 years of marriage and she didn't leave him because of his SPS, but I know for a fact that her new boyfriend calls her a sex goddess (I saw one of the cards he gave her, chilling), and I'm sure he is way more experienced in sex and way bigger. In fact, one time I did mention it over the phone to my mom, I was like (very subtly) "Yeah I bet it's nice to be with someone bigger" (I didn't say that, I don't remember how I hinted at it) but the point is she just chuckled and didn't confirm or deny it (basically saying "yes", I know my mom, she is likely the only reason I am still alive. If she was to say, suddenly die tomorrow or anytime soon, I would be on suicide alert, like serious suicide alert. And that brings me to your next question: Yes, many guys have killed themselves over SPS. Maybe not just because of SPS, but SPS was a big factor. I know that it would be a big factor for me. But i tell you what, Bella, just knowing that there exists a girl like you out there in the world has drastically reduced the chance I ever kill myself. So if you are in fact a 45 year old (or 14 year old) male just messing with us all (and particularly me) on here, please don't reveal that, it would crush me.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

4 hours ago, YOTH said:

@BellaMeilan I've posted about it on here before, it's somewhere in the dusty archives of misery haha. It was a case of not wanting the pain anymore so I had to get my own back.

So...I'm a little confused. So your wife almost left you because you had such a low opinion of yourself? And then when you stared in the mirror and said "I AM MAN HEAR ME ROAR" (or what not) and began to be more comfortable with yourself things got better?

[LostBoy]

6 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

Thank you @lostboy1 for your perspective. I am understanding more. I never considered it to be a mental health issue. Wow! I understand what you mean about the therapist and no one having the background to properly treat it.

Two additional questions if you are comfortable, if not I understand, you said you did things that almost made your wife leave are you comfortable giving more insight? Also, what types of things trigger your SPS? If she gives you constructive criticism on a non SPS issue just anything is it hard for you, do you withdraw?

It's definitely a mental health issue and it falls into the Body Dysmorphic Disorder category and while there are a good number of BDD counselors in metropolitan areas there are extremely few (most places none) that specialize in SPS. The main reason is likely that most of us are too ashamed to go to a therapist to have this discussion. Anonymity is our best friend and worst enemy.

I will send you a private message to give some further details on the way I screwed up over the years but I'd rather not share them on the open forum.

A number of different things can trigger me. Examples include: Seeing one of her exes somewhere, getting turned down by her for sex repeatedly, or her being distant. None of these are necessarily her fault but they still provide triggers. I've been triggered off of movies we watched that show a guy naked. We use toys during sex, and I initiated this long ago to ensure she reaches orgasm, but sometimes using the toys will even trigger me. I've caught her masturbating before and that's triggered me.

In the end, none of my triggers are my wife's fault, although many involve her, they are my issue to deal with and control.

If he truly has SPS then chances are it will not go away. He may learn to deal with it and cope but you need to be aware that it can always resurface and it may not take much, if anything, of significance for it to happen.