Advice: Stay or Walk Away?

[LostBoy]

7 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

I also have another question if any of you are comfortable answering. Have any of you ever talked to your family about this, particularly your father’s? Is SPS hereditary? Did any of your fathers experience this? How did they deal with it? Have any of you felt suicidal? How did you eventually come to accept yourself? Any feedback would be great @YOTH @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero @BarryUK @lostboy1 @Victimorthecrime @johnlucas

I personally have spoken to no family members about this, aside from my wife early in our relationship. I don't think my father suffered from it or at least I never recognized that he did. He seemed to have no mental health issues whatsoever and considering that I showered with him when I was very young he had no apparent self image issues.

[LostBoy]

8 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

I think herein lies the problem or one of them. Most of what I have read here and just general research is that most SPS would love to have a supportive partner. But, to women, sometimes we feel like it’s self sabotage. Because you get the woman of your dreams and you constantly question her intentions. As I have stated, I understand in the beginning. But, after the trust and relationship are established, (and yes, there is still work to do) this shouldn’t be at the forefront as much. Any relationship is give and take. Women have additional things that we have to take care of in addition to our relationships like family and careers. We shouldn’t constantly have to give give give and not receive. Why is that OK just because a man has SPS? 

What if I am going through my own issues at the time that life brings. I may need a strong partner in that moment but if I am always tending to his needs then I am always giving. Women have insecurities too and need support too.

It’s amazing because the other young lady, who I can tell from her post is very caring, who has been in a relationship with a man that she believes suffers from SPS and has frequently ghosted her and disappeared, much of the advice that I have seen was more focused on his needs as opposed to hers. Why is it acceptable to ghost someone and she has to continue to make concessions for someone that hasn’t proved they are worthy of that sacrifice. Time is valuable. Why waste time on someone that seemingly treats a woman like this. Is this OK because he has SPS? No it’s not. This is the reason why I asked her in the most respectful way does she struggle with self esteem or insecure issues. 

I would like to understand from the many people in her and my thread an answer to this. 

As I mentioned before, SPS is a mental health issue so it does not have to be logical. Just like any other mental or physical disability you need to decide whether you're ready and willing to take on the extra effort and baggage that comes along with a disability.

As for the ghosting, I don't like it when people use an excuse (mental or physical) to treat someone else poorly. Saying that, I'm sure I have treated others wrong, in the past, due to issues around my SPS. It doesn't make it right, just a fact.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

1 hour ago, lostboy1 said:

A number of different things can trigger me. Examples include: Seeing one of her exes somewhere, getting turned down by her for sex repeatedly, or her being distant. None of these are necessarily her fault but they still provide triggers. I've been triggered off of movies we watched that show a guy naked. We use toys during sex, and I initiated this long ago to ensure she reaches orgasm, but sometimes using the toys will even trigger me. I've caught her masturbating before and that's triggered me.

Man, this is scary stuff. I mean, as much as I like the fact that I could meet someone like Bella, I had never thought about all of that. Getting turned down for sex? Yeah, that would hurt me, especially if she was masturbating during that time. Watching movies/TV and seeing the big dicks. Sigh, just when I thought I was maybe feeling a little bit better about things, you had to remind me that I will never be good enough or satisfying enough for a girl. She'll always be wondering (or even worst, wanting) about having sex with a bigger guy. lostboy, when you and your wife are watching TV/movies and a big wang comes up on the screen, does she do or say anything or try to comfort you? Does she remind you that she loves you for who you are and that she likes your dick (are you the guy who said that his wife said she loved his dick and that made him almost cry?) or is she really quiet about all of that stuff and pretends like your SPS doesn't exist?

[BellaMeilan]

1 hour ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

No, I have never talked to any of my family about this. And only a few friends know (and, no surprise here, they don't take me seriously and say things like "it's probably fine"). Yes, SPS is most of the time hereditary but not all the time I'm sure. Yes, my dad has SPS, but he was lucky and I don't know if you saw one of the other threads on here, the 30 year old guy whose dad is religious, but his dad was saying how lucky he was to have lived in a generation where you could marry your highschool sweetheart (and that is exactly what happened with my dad, although my mom left him but not until 35 years of marriage and she didn't leave him because of his SPS, but I know for a fact that her new boyfriend calls her a sex goddess (I saw one of the cards he gave her, chilling), and I'm sure he is way more experienced in sex and way bigger. In fact, one time I did mention it over the phone to my mom, I was like (very subtly) "Yeah I bet it's nice to be with someone bigger" (I didn't say that, I don't remember how I hinted at it) but the point is she just chuckled and didn't confirm or deny it (basically saying "yes", I know my mom, she is likely the only reason I am still alive. If she was to say, suddenly die tomorrow or anytime soon, I would be on suicide alert, like serious suicide alert. And that brings me to your next question: Yes, many guys have killed themselves over SPS. Maybe not just because of SPS, but SPS was a big factor. I know that it would be a big factor for me. But i tell you what, Bella, just knowing that there exists a girl like you out there in the world has drastically reduced the chance I ever kill myself. So if you are in fact a 45 year old (or 14 year old) male just messing with us all (and particularly me) on here, please don't reveal that, it would crush me.

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero I am not a troll nor am I trolling. I was born a woman. This is a real issue for me that I am trying to find out about. No worries!

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

Just now, BellaMeilan said:

I am not a troll nor am I trolling. I was born a woman. This is a real issue for me that I am trying to find out about. No worries!

I didn't think so, it's just, and this again goes for most SPS guys, when they do find a girl like you, it's like too good to be true. They feel like it has to be fake. No one could actually love someone with a 3-4.5 inch cock.

[BellaMeilan]

3 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

I didn't think so, it's just, and this again goes for most SPS guys, when they do find a girl like you, it's like too good to be true. They feel like it has to be fake. No one could actually love someone with a 3-4.5 inch cock.

I understand and no offense taken @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero. It is just not in my character to do something so cruel. I am definitely a woman and I lurked on this site for a while because I didn’t feel comfortable and almost felt like I was betraying him. Trolling people as someone I am not is disrespectful considering that this is a real issue, it is not a joke and so many people have opened their lives and struggles to me. Trust me, I am not that kind of person.

I am late on responses but I am getting there.

[Lodz]

@BellaMeilan, have sex with him as soon as possible. This seems like a case where @johnlucas' school of thought applies very well.

You think you're abstaining to show him that sex isn't the most important thing to you, and that will ease his worries. That's not how we work. The message he has received is that sex WITH HIM isn't that important to you (and it logically follows that if you were with a confident guy with a bigger penis, you'd be getting nailed nightly). What you need to do is tell him you WANT HIM. Tell him you want HIS PENIS. You want him to TOUCH YOU. Tell him, it's okay if he's nervous or he can't perform. Give him permission to be clumsy and "bad" in bed, and make sure he gives himself that permission too. Tell him you don't care if he can't get hard or penetrate you or please you with his penis. You just want to experience him as he is; fears, flaws and all. And tell him you WANT HIS PENIS specifically, but you'll suffice for just letting him eat your pussy, use his fingers, whatever, if he's not ready.

I overcame my fear of sex (for the most part) by letting myself be shitty at it, because I had a girlfriend who told me it's okay. Her patience gave me permission to fail and to explore and grow. I can't thank her enough. She was kind of domineering sexually, and I appreciated that. She told me what to do and I did it. Your guy might be kind of like me (if he's got a submissive side and enjoys sph on some level like it seems).

BTW, how do you know he has a small penis if you haven't had sex yet?

[LostBoy]

1 hour ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

when you and your wife are watching TV/movies and a big wang comes up on the screen, does she do or say anything or try to comfort you? Does she remind you that she loves you for who you are and that she likes your dick (are you the guy who said that his wife said she loved his dick and that made him almost cry?) or is she really quiet about all of that stuff and pretends like your SPS doesn't exist?

I'm not the guy who said that. I dont think my wife has ever openly said she loved my dick.

She is typically quiet and just acts like she didn't see it although it is typically impossible to miss.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

You didn't answer my other question. How does she act or does she say anything when a big wang comes up on TV/movie? So I take it your wife has never really accepted your SPS, she just kind of pretends it doesn't exist? And you haven't talked to her about any of your SPS since you first met her when she dismissed it?

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

29 minutes ago, Lodz said:

What you need to do is tell him you WANT HIM. Tell him you want HIS PENIS. You want him to TOUCH YOU. Tell him, it's okay if he's nervous or he can't perform. Give him permission to be clumsy and "bad" in bed, and make sure he gives himself that permission too. Tell him you don't care if he can't get hard or penetrate you or please you with his penis. You just want to experience him as he is; fears, flaws and all. And tell him you WANT HIS PENIS specifically, but you'll suffice for just letting him eat your pussy, use his fingers, whatever, if he's not ready.

THIS ^^^ Bella, this. This guy knows what he is talking about. Like I was telling you, you need to drop that line I gave you and then tackle him, rip his clothes off (or go slow, whatever works), all of the while reassuring him it's okay, and that you are a patient lover and what not. You're such a kind heart, I know you will be able to seduce him lovingly with no problems!

 

32 minutes ago, Lodz said:

I overcame my fear of sex (for the most part) by letting myself be shitty at it, because I had a girlfriend who told me it's okay. Her patience gave me permission to fail and to explore and grow. I can't thank her enough. She was kind of domineering sexually, and I appreciated that

Duuuude, bro, you are so lucky. That is exactly what I would want a girl to do with me. And I also think it's the right way for any female with a SPS boyfriend to proceed to get him over that initial barrier at the beginning (or in Bella's case, middle) of a relationship. Man, are you still with this girl? You are SO LUCKY.

[LostBoy]

1 hour ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

You didn't answer my other question. How does she act or does she say anything when a big wang comes up on TV/movie? So I take it your wife has never really accepted your SPS, she just kind of pretends it doesn't exist? And you haven't talked to her about any of your SPS since you first met her when she dismissed it?

I answered it but you may have missed it. She basically just ignores it and acts like she didn't just see a large penis on tv. Very quiet.

She was uncomfortable discussing it when we were first married. I brought it up once more a couple of years in and she basically dismissed it like I was just being silly. I dropped it after that.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

10 minutes ago, lostboy1 said:

I brought it up once more a couple of years in and she basically dismissed it like I was just being silly. I dropped it after that.

Well, maybe it is, I mean, how small are you? I understand why a lot of my friends dismiss it because a lot of guys are going to think they have small ones no matter what even though the average is around 5 to 5.5 inches.

[Lodz]

2 hours ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

Duuuude, bro, you are so lucky. That is exactly what I would want a girl to do with me. And I also think it's the right way for any female with a SPS boyfriend to proceed to get him over that initial barrier at the beginning (or in Bella's case, middle) of a relationship. Man, are you still with this girl? You are SO LUCKY.

No, she was just someone I dated for a little while and had no real feelings for. I guess that's one reason I felt comfortable trying things out with her. I wasn't as afraid of the consequences. Plus she was very open about her own body image issues as an overweight woman, so she got the picture when it came to my SPS. She absolutely helped me become comfortable enough with my body and sexuality to embrace my submissive side. Randomly, a couple years later, I saw her on a dating site and her profile said she was looking for a well endowed man. I wasn't mad though.

[LostBoy]

58 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

Well, maybe it is, I mean, how small are you? I understand why a lot of my friends dismiss it because a lot of guys are going to think they have small ones no matter what even though the average is around 5 to 5.5 inches.

I'm very small. There is no doubt that she just wants to avoid the elephant in the room.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

10 minutes ago, Lodz said:

Randomly, a couple years later, I saw her on a dating site and her profile said she was looking for a well endowed man.

Damnit, man. I wish you wouldn't have told me that. That sucks! I'm glad you were able to take it as well as you seem to have.

 

11 minutes ago, Lodz said:

Plus she was very open about her own body image issues as an overweight woman, so she got the picture when it came to my SPS

Yep, that's one thing I have noticed. So, I don't watch porn very often (I hate porn, well 99% of it) but like, since I am fucking alone and if I don't masturbate at least once or twice a week I will cum in my sleep (which, I don't know if you've ever had that happen, but it hurts, I suppose if you were able to make it so your pajamas/blankets were in a permanent tent state it would be okay lol), anyways, I cannot (anymore, this has just been the case the last few years), I no longer can watch porn with ridiculous unrealistic dick sizes. It is an absolute turn off and I hate it. If the dick is normal sized (5-6 inches, aka way bigger than mine), that's fine, but anyways, I have discovered that there is quite a bit of small dick porn that isn't SPH (which I don't like, personally), there's even some playlists that people have put together on PornHub (maybe a guy that might lurk on here put them together) that is strictly just small dick porn videos. Anyways, the point I am trying to make it more often than not, the girls that are banging (or more often blowing) these SPS guys are chubbier. And I have (well, I guess had, she has blocked me from Facebook after our last little argument which had nothing to do with SPS), anyways, this girl who is a friend of mine that lives in my area, (I considered her my confidant), she was literally over 300 pounds (in fact, right before she blocked me she had just weighed in at 350), but she was super duper into me back when I first met her 3-4 years ago, and I know she truly would not have given one single little shit about my issue because (this is if I were willing to get naked and do sex things with her, which I was not, but if I were) I would not have cared about her issue (morbid obesity) either. Overweight/obese women are one of the few pockets of population that might be understanding and accommodating to our issue because they know what it's like to have a crippling body issue that is with you every day and night. That's why I was so bummed to see that she later wanted big dicks either. Although, honestly, I don't know how big your girlfriend was, (and I'm trying not to sound super rude or crude here) but I don't think my dick was big enough to get through her rolls of fat. It would have been the most awkwardest fuck ever. But I guess that's why God invented oral sex lol.

[BellaMeilan]

17 hours ago, YOTH said:

@BellaMeilan I've posted about it on here before, it's somewhere in the dusty archives of misery haha. It was a case of not wanting the pain anymore so I had to get my own back. It gets overlooked a lot but loving yourself or having your own feelings supercede anyone else is the best thing for everyone around you. People are happier when you're happy, that's just fact. When enemy No1 is yourself there's absolutely no hope. I'd bashed and beaten myself so hard over the years that there was barely anything left. As soon as I looked in the mirror and said "I've got your back nobody else matters, I've got you". Things slowly started to turn around. I was number 1 for the first time in 20 years. After that you have to find a state of peace, somewhere to go to. Once you have it you have come back to it every time you're down. it may take time, minutes, hours, days, but you come back. When you hate yourself people follow suit, they sense it. When you love yourself people sense that too and treat you accordingly. It's not once healed forever healed, it's heal and keep forgiving. People can be cruel, but so can I. As you see them you see yourself. I've just left a job because of this, it was too stressful on top of the work. But I let it go, I had to. The alternative is let it consume you all over again. 

Thank you @YOTH

[BellaMeilan]

20 hours ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

No, I have never talked to any of my family about this. And only a few friends know (and, no surprise here, they don't take me seriously and say things like "it's probably fine"). Yes, SPS is most of the time hereditary but not all the time I'm sure. Yes, my dad has SPS, but he was lucky and I don't know if you saw one of the other threads on here, the 30 year old guy whose dad is religious, but his dad was saying how lucky he was to have lived in a generation where you could marry your highschool sweetheart (and that is exactly what happened with my dad, although my mom left him but not until 35 years of marriage and she didn't leave him because of his SPS, but I know for a fact that her new boyfriend calls her a sex goddess (I saw one of the cards he gave her, chilling), and I'm sure he is way more experienced in sex and way bigger. In fact, one time I did mention it over the phone to my mom, I was like (very subtly) "Yeah I bet it's nice to be with someone bigger" (I didn't say that, I don't remember how I hinted at it) but the point is she just chuckled and didn't confirm or deny it (basically saying "yes", I know my mom, she is likely the only reason I am still alive. If she was to say, suddenly die tomorrow or anytime soon, I would be on suicide alert, like serious suicide alert. And that brings me to your next question: Yes, many guys have killed themselves over SPS. Maybe not just because of SPS, but SPS was a big factor. I know that it would be a big factor for me. But i tell you what, Bella, just knowing that there exists a girl like you out there in the world has drastically reduced the chance I ever kill myself. So if you are in fact a 45 year old (or 14 year old) male just messing with us all (and particularly me) on here, please don't reveal that, it would crush me.

This is all so sad for me because I didn’t realize that it makes people feel this way. Your mom seems like a big support system to you and I pray that she’s around for a long time as you really need her. As much as I came here for help and experiences to help me understand, it does make me sad hearing some of this. 

[LostBoy]

On ‎12‎/‎18‎/‎2017 at 10:06 PM, BellaMeilan said:

I would consider myself to be very attractive and guys consider me attractive and approach me all of the time

Bella,

When you asked me about potential triggers, I could definitely see this as a big one. While I know you have no control over a guy approaching you, how you respond and handle these advancements could make all of the difference. I'm not saying that this is true for you but some women like to be approached, even if they know it will go nowhere, and they have a tendency to innocently flirt to keep the interest up from other guys.

If you shoot the guys down immediately and don't be "overly nice" to guys so that it potentially invokes come ons then this would likely be best. Guys are more astute than most women think. He will watch carefully how you handle these situations and if he feels threatened by your response then this could definitely trigger.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

1 hour ago, lostboy1 said:

When you asked me about potential triggers, I could definitely see this as a big one.

So Bella do you have any guy friends besides your boyfriend? Just be careful and take extra precautions if you do. If your boyfriends sees you sharing a smile or a laugh with another guy, it will crush him.

[LouisZ]

A note to all:

Don't ever tell an informed man that knows statics and data that he is big, when indeed he is not.

That is a may be interpreted as a facetious and contemptuous lie.

[YOTH]

@LouisZ My missus is always telling me I'm huge. You're massive she says, unbelievably fat. The word 'girth' and 'chunky' are thrown around regularly. Thank God she's talking about my cock and not my gelatinous physique. 

[Sea182018]

Bella,  I would like say it’s awesome you are chiming in on this to Help him.  I’m not the smartest man in the world but I will Throw my two sense in the mix.  This is a life long journey for him,  it is also not your job to fix it, he has to overcome it.  I’m not saying that as an insult but as someone who has struggled to overcome it myself,  it’s difficult.  For me the defining moment was when I realized that some of my jealous behaviors were pissing her off and I was like I don’t want to lose her she is the only person who has truly not cared about my size.  I decided to man up and be as strong as I could . I am now in the best shape of my life,  I am more confident,  I still have weak moments but I erase them the next day.  

I used to get so jealous all the time.  My wife is a social butterfly and she has dated a lot of men before me.  She also likes to dance and I suck at dancing.  She is the type of girl that will go dance with some other man at a bar who can dance just so she can enjoy it with someone who knows what they are doing,  but then she will walk away and bring that pent up energy into our bedroom lol.  

She is also friends with other men, some of them flirt with her from time to time because guess what,  she is beautiful and guys like beautiful women! It used to drive me crazy but I realized that this woman knew about me and chose to marry me knowing full well what she was getting.  How could I destroy that with my jealousy and insecurity?   She emus loyal to me and never ever has made size an issue even when I used to.  

You should tell your man to come on here for help.  It has helped me so far.  Don’t wait around forever though,  you sound like my wife,  you deserve to be happy.  Support him but if he isn’t making positive changes and realizing he has you,  it’s only going to get worse.  

 

[BellaMeilan]

23 hours ago, Sea182018 said:

This is a life long journey for him,  it is also not your job to fix it, he has to overcome it.  I’m not saying that as an insult but as someone who has struggled to overcome it myself,  it’s difficult.  For me the defining moment was when I realized that some of my jealous behaviors were pissing her off and I was like I don’t want to lose her she is the only person who has truly not cared about my size.  I decided to man up and be as strong as I could . 

 Support him but if he isn’t making positive changes and realizing he has you,  it’s only going to get worse.  

 

@Sea182018 Hi Sea, it has been quite a while since I posted, but I appreciate your comments so much, especially a man that struggles with these issues. I did not take offense to your statements and I very much agree. We actually broke up for a while because, while I supported him, I couldn’t “fix” the issue, I knew that he would have to do that on his own. 

My main objective was to find out about this issue. I learned a lot here and found this community, for the most part, is very kind and supportive. I didn’t realize that this issue is tied to mental illness. 

There were things that absolutely made me want to end things because I was so busy catering to his needs to make sure he was OK, that my needs were not being met (non sexual needs, BTW). I had dealt with the insecurity, the “shutting down” and I grew tired. 

You’re right until he was able to attempt to conquer this on his own (it’s funny that you say “man up” because I said that exact phrase and it created a firestorm amongst some members), there would be nothing I could do. He said he knew that someone like me was hard to find and I was “the one”. He also felt insecure because guys consider me to be beautiful and that created more issues. I had to let go. Sometimes you have to lose something to realize what you had. I always knew that I was a good woman and total package, but he had to lose me to appreciate that.

We are working through the issues and I’ve seen progress, but I can only take it one day at a time, I have to allow him to conquer this on his own, otherwise, it will always be a problem. 

I also did not put my life on hold and dated during our breakup.