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Addicted to SPH


Lodz
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I've talked about this some here, but only opened up to a couple of you guys about my problem with compulsively seeking out small penis humiliation (sph).

I have had fantasies about it since I was in high school, when i realized how small i was. But of course, i was too scared to even pursue normal sex and dating, let alone sph. I dated and got a girlfriend in college, but became so obsessed with penis size that i started seeking out well endowed men for discreet sexual encounters. Mainly i wanted to focus on them and their pleasure, and just be in proximity to that type of masculine sexual prowess. But they always wanted to see me naked, and tended to be turned on sometimes despite my size and sometimes because of it.

I started seeking out the ones who preferred a small dicked partner. Some of them were rather abusive verbally, and this turned me on, but also scared and hurt me. It became so the arousal and the fear and hirt were linked, and that is still with me to this day. What changed is that it stopped hurting and scaring me when men did it. But that didn't make me stop. It made me seek out darker more extreme situations.

And eventually i also sought out women for sph as well. I continued to see men as well, because i could get that hit without fear. With women it was a much more serious thing. When they said i was too small, it meant something. I did it for the sexual hit, and for the arousal and amusement my partners, but also to face a fear, to prove something to myself.

Eventually, I tried cuckolding, and ended up in a two year relationship with a woman who had very compatible sexual interests. She indulged my sph daily, and we had other men join in fairly often. I was convinced that this behavior was helping me cope with my size insecurities. I found that during this part of my life, i was not acutely worried about my size, as i had previously been. Yeah, there were mkments when i was reminded how society views men my size, but i was able to brush it off. I had found a niche, where my size was actually an asset.

But that relationship came to an end, because i was out of control. I was on a sex rampage (recklessly promiscuous anonymous hookups with men and near constantly seeking hookups online), and even my nympho girlfriend couldn't tolerate it. The last straw was when she looked through my phone and saw i was messaging with other women, lying about my relationship status.

After she left me, i went on an enormous rampage. Prostitutes, orgies, you name it. Nothing was enough. I needed constant arousal to distract me from my pathetic reality. Finally i caught an std (a curable one) and got into therapy and sex addiction recovery.

Since then, i have had many relapses, but nothing that extreme. I've dabbled in porn and online intrigue more than a 'normal' peraon would. I've cheated on my wife as recently as 2.5 years ago. And i've enjoyed had many extended periods of sexual sobriety.

But the thing that makes sobriety hardest is knowing my dick is small, and there's nothing i can do about it. I was using a bathmate pump and phallosan stretcher, but stopped seeing results so i stopped and it went back down to its old, even smaller, size. On top of that, it turtles inside me worse than ever. This is depressing for me. I'm now back under 4" hard in both length and girth, and afraid that if i start pumping again, i'll just be worsening the long term size of my penis, both flaccid and erect. I think if i hadn't had this 4 month relapse, i would have kept pumping and i wouldn't be so small again. This relapse consisted of engaging in various forms of humiliating conversations with others online about my size. When i'm doing that, i don't feel like i need to be bigger. But when i stopped (and i always have to stop or i'll fly off the deep end and catch aids or make my wife leave me), i am left empty, feeling extra small and ashamed. 

I don't know what to do.

But today I am safe. I am sober. I am healthy. I have a loving wife and two amazing kids. I just have a hard time seeing past my insecurities, my penis and the illusions of my fantasies.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow!  Interesting.  You nail the sph mental illness below:

>>>but became so obsessed with penis size that i started seeking out well endowed men for discreet sexual encounters. Mainly i wanted to focus on them and their pleasure, and just be in proximity to that type of masculine sexual prowess. But they always wanted to see me naked, and tended to be turned on sometimes despite my size and sometimes because of it.>>>>

I didn't even get hard with the guy, but was in ecstasy.  I definitely wanted to be in "proximity to that type of masculine sexual prowess."  I let him do anything, but fuck me in the ass.  I would let the guy do anything so I could experience up close how sexual he was as compared to me.

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On 3/11/2019 at 1:36 PM, TheDane said:

That is and interesting story. I always wondered whether sps is a coping mechanism.

Out og interest. What kind og orgies did you participate in, and what was your role?

Gay orgies. I was the submissive suckboy for hung tops, basically. Sorry to be graphic.

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